All of it came from Terry Pratchett's "Going Postal".

"you're so crooked"
"you could walk through a corkscrew sideways"


"when you get that dangerous look in your eyes"
"and the word 'Friend' comes out of your mouth"
"it sounds a lot like the word 'Pal' coming out of"
"a guy in a alleyway offering you free cosmetic surgery"

"she said you weren't a complete arse"
"which is good"

"and she gave him a look which looked like she just found him adhering to the underside of her shoe"

"and how is the free hospital"
"some people don't die"

"He starts everyday with a quater pint of gin mixed with spirits of nitre, flour of sulphur, juniper and the juice of an onion. He says it clears the tubes."
"Good Heavens I'm sure it does. Does he smoke at all?"
"No-o. It looks more like steam."

"I heard if you fail to kill me after hanging me 3 times i'm free?"
"there's a reason they gave me the nickname 1 drop trooper"

"so would you prefer to work for me or do the 2 step sicily"
"i beg your pardon?"
"oh sorry i meant the hemp fandango"
(hemp= popular variety of rope stronger than jut)