hermes says:
and then mayb abit later i'll have to ask u to go to bake wif yen to buy me a new bag of breadcrumbs to pass to someone
hermes says:
^^
Landstalker's compass says:
do i look like felicia to you?
hermes says:
lolololol
hermes says:
nope.. u just look like the outside of siam paragon now
Landstalker's compass says:
COZ NOT EVEN FELICIA DOES THAT!
Landstalker's compass says:
LAMER
Landstalker's compass says:
LAMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRrrrrr
Landstalker's compass says:
*POKE POKE POKE*
hermes says:
cant reach.. nyahaha
hermes says:
come leme give u a maths ques
hermes says:
feel free to ask ur maths teacher hehehe
Landstalker's compass says:
zzzzzzzzzz
hermes says:
see how long u take first la ok
Landstalker's compass says:
ask lah
hermes says:
if u give u..
hermes says:
(a-x)(b-x)(c-x)........all the way till .. (z-x) =?
Landstalker's compass says:
yeah?
hermes says:
yea. wat does all that equal to?
Landstalker's compass says:
zzzzzzzz
Landstalker's compass says:
that will take a bit
hermes says:
not surprising la... my senior took half a day to find the ans
hermes says:
ganbatte~~~
Landstalker's compass says:
i'll think of it on the can
Landstalker's compass says:
where ideas work best!
hermes says:
lol
hermes says:
u know arr.. that fusheng (mr lamer ) always uses my can to poop and lausai and all that crappy stuff
Landstalker's compass says:
LOL
Landstalker's compass says:
AWWW POOR THING
hermes says:
and he close the door after he';s done
Landstalker's compass says:
DOES HE SQUAT ON THE SEAT?
Landstalker's compass says:
AND LEAVE THE SLIPPERS THERE?
hermes says:
now the beautifull part is that that room has no window.. sien..
hermes says:
no thank god for htat
Landstalker's compass says:
LOL
Landstalker's compass says:
GG
Landstalker's compass says:
HE TURN LEFT IN UR TOILET WITH NO WINDOW
Landstalker's compass says:
actually makes sense lah
Landstalker's compass says:
toilet with window in the uk
Landstalker's compass says:
imagine you're glued to the seat
Landstalker's compass says:
and got chilly wind
Landstalker's compass says:
get up and close meh????
hermes says:
neway.. moving on to more pleasant stuff
hermes says:
apparently the a-lvls system here in england has been sold too...
Landstalker's compass says:
?
hermes says:
try to guess
Landstalker's compass says:
to who?
Landstalker's compass says:
hmmmmmmmmm
Landstalker's compass says:
thailand
hermes says:
its a company
Landstalker's compass says:
oh
hermes says:
very famous one too
Landstalker's compass says:
cosmos
hermes says:
i wish
Landstalker's compass says:
LOL
hermes says:
den we no nid to work dy
Landstalker's compass says:
AIA
hermes says:
yea right...
Landstalker's compass says:
scholastic?
hermes says:
think more global dude!
Landstalker's compass says:
virgin?
Landstalker's compass says:
mircohard?
hermes says:
nope
Landstalker's compass says:
macrosoft?
hermes says:
nop
hermes says:
now ur being lame
hermes says:
*JAB*
Landstalker's compass says:
pear?
Landstalker's compass says:
falsefruit?
hermes says:
haih..
hermes says:
its Macdonals
hermes says:
*d
Landstalker's compass says:
WHAT THE........
hermes says:
hehe
Landstalker's compass says:
monkey with a tiara doing the heebee jeebee jig?
hermes says:
lol
Landstalker's compass says:
eh go dl who wants to be a super hero
Landstalker's compass says:
they audition american idol style for superhero roles
hermes says:
i have too much stuff for dl la...
hermes says:
tooooooooo much
Landstalker's compass says:
it's a super lame show
hermes says:
nice dramas out now~~
Landstalker's compass says:
Ice Bitch: FREEZE MOTHAF****ER
hermes says:
whee.... i feel sooooo motivated to watch now
hermes says:
LOL
hermes says:
sounds like they shud use her for ice maidens voice
Landstalker's compass says:
someone really said that
Landstalker's compass says:
it's uncensored so far
Landstalker's compass says:
OK LAH
Landstalker's compass says:
LIKE FURION SAID
Landstalker's compass says:
NATURE CALLS
hermes says:
lol
hermes says:
he says it calmer ok...
Landstalker's compass says:
eh btw
Landstalker's compass says:
answer is *********
hermes says:
darn so fast
Landstalker's compass says:
duh
Landstalker's compass says:
hardly had to think
Landstalker's compass says:
i'll ask dd over dinner
Landstalker's compass says:
lol
hermes says:
lol

---------------------------

Notes:

In thai "turn left" is liao sai.

Try to figure out the math question. And tell me over msn don't ruin in for other ppl.

Falsefruit= apple

Somethings were omitted in this post. But omitted material does not affect continuity. And take a random guess at who that may be.

Orange light shines across the pinkish bed sheet. The glow reflecting off the pale coloured wall onto the rest of the room.

The black book in my hand is large and heavy......

Trees rustle from the sudden wind. It whips across our faces blowing hair into her face. It's cool and as if it's foretelling the coming rain.

She looks away from me quietly biting her lower lip as we lean on the metal bars.

I wait quietly for a response.

The tension is thick in the air as she doesn't say anything and I have no idea how to comfort her. It's been a long time since I've left my post.

She wipes away her tears as we still stand there in silence and as the world passes by behind our backs.

I wait still for a response as she wipes her face again while still staring blankly into space.

She tells me she'll be alright and that I shouldn't worry and I should leave if I need to.

I stay.

I hear a short but distinctly disturbing wail. It came from her. But she didn't move.

And it wasn't an audible 1. It was just picked up by something else.

It's the sound of everything inside wailing from the hardship.

And it's a wail signifying how useless I've become. How redundant I am. It speaks volumes about how I can't solve anything. How I've failed to help her because I was afraid of her.

It's bone chilling.

The orange light dances lightly on the glossy book surface. I blink and stare. I'm lying face down and sideways on my bed.

Staring at the words "Fiction" printed in very small print on the back of the book.

An Eurasian man wear dark sunglasses and a jacket is flashing a torchlight in my face from the cover of the book.

"Fiction" I read it again. Right. Sure thing.

And I knew it's going to be the first time in the series of late night rude awakenings I experience tonight.

It's dark. It's hot. Not crazy hot but the kind as if I've been placed in a Thermos to collect heat.

I open my eyes. I see nothing. I throw off the blanket. And let my senses play out.

My nose is jammed. I can see faint outlines of stuff in my room. I'm on my bed half covered in my blanket. I hear the usual rumble of stuff being prepared for daylight downstairs. I taste sour spit. No blood thankfully.

I stare at the sky. The cloudy sky. It's dark.

On the fringes it blue and there are some blank patches which are clear in the sky. It's serene yet foretelling a cloudy and probably rainy day.

I lay back down staring at the ceiling. I feel the warmth of things against my blanket. My skin is lightly sticky from bathing in sweat due to the light fever.

I enjoy the peace and calm of the morning trying to avoid thinking of the busy day ahead. Trying to avoid thinking of the games I played last night. And just stare at the ceiling listening to the gentle chopping sound of the ceiling fan slicing gently through the fan.

*Ring ring*

"Yeah I'm awake don't worry."

The call ends and I stare at the ceiling for a short while longer. 5 minutes later I get off my bed and get ready for the day.

It's still cloudy but I can feel the sun rising deep within me.

---------------------

I retreive from the shallow box a pendant.

It's made in the shape of a sun encircled by an outer ring filled with symbols.

I let it hang holding it halfway down the length of it's leather thong.

Holding it up to the light to check for any imperfections in the design.

It's dirty.

I remember when I first talked to the future owner of the pendant. It seems so long ago. So distant. When I was a mere template for what I've become.

She ended up working for me a year after we met. I taught her vaguely about capturing fleeting beauty and she learned prodigiously developing her own style.

Licensed incredibly fast. I'm thankfull for it. Because she had the license she could help me when I got into that accident.

Helped me when I was dripping with blood and limping.

Months after that I helped her solidify her relationship with her boyfriend. I knew she was borrowing my influence and I gave her full consent to abuse it.

The whole of my family including the extended family knows her name for various reasons. We've done each other a lot of favours actually. And she's also met another branch of the family.

We hardly talk anymore. But we both know we both don't have much time for each other.

I realise I'm swinging the pendant.

Oh well. Buds are buds.

I pissed the Bird off.

The unfazed. Super good at annoying people off. Bird.

After all those years of crap. 3 only actually. We've got a serious bond already.

Thing is I mentioned his bad driving very pointedly in a conversation. Saying how he's the last person on earth I'd take driving advice from and that his track record speaks for itself.

He got pissed enough to get out and slam the car door. Walk across the road and get into turtle's car.

I just waited for the traffic light to turn green then I went home to park then got into turtle's car.

He was naturally a bit pei already and probably got "overscrewed" from his parents over his driving. So I guess thats why he so pissed.

My reason for bringing it up? I was getting scolded for not jumping the traffic light. And jumping the gun is what got him screwed for all his accidents.

It's not without any reason I brought it up really. It's because I absolutely hate people telling me how to drive.

Even if my dad is telling me how to park I can get quite annoyed. The passing comment is alright. The shrieking I can handle. The "jaga speed" I can also handle.

But an outright instruction on how to drive seriously taxes my patience. I.E. "jump the traffic light" "cut out and cut back in to block the guy" "don't give him face" And doing it repeatedly begs for me to do something.

Naturally I don't have much hand-eye coordination skill. I can't play basketball. I actually rely on crazy reflexes and the ability to just repeat the same motions as accurately as a video tape. Thats how I get through life.

But driving...Ohohoh I love driving. Apart from the numbing sensation thats caused by the seat pressing into my lower back causing me to limp right after driving...I loveeee driving.

Driving is like ballet with the car for me. Manual or auto. Kancil or Iswara or Sentra or the other 2 rarely used cars. It's all good to me. It's crazy fun.

The calculations based on speed, turning radius, brake traction and tyre traction. The sheer complexity of it all unravelled in my head in a split second as I enter corners lets me enjoy the drive fully and feel the corners almost precisely.

The vibrations of the wheel, pedals(manual) and body of the car. Tells me how much pressure to apply to the accelerator, how much grip should I have on the wheel, how steady it's going to be when I brake.

I know all of it. No matter how the car swerves. No matter how near it gets to the dividers sometimes. I know all of it.

It's just crazy fun for me. I'm really fully in control of the car when I'm paying attention. And to tell me how to drive, as if I'm a complete novice, unless the person is crazy skilled like turtle. I'll get quite annoyed.

I've got a lot of experience driving. I've been driving almost everyday for the past year since I got my license.

So ladies and gents. Don't worry lah when I'm driving. I know what I'm doing lah. If I happen to drive recklessly. Don't worry I've probably already done worse.

Driving is an off limits topic between me and Bird now. Oh well.

Friday started with a phone call from Yiyun.

"Eh wake up already a not?"

I've had a super disordered sleeping habit for a long time and on Thursday I even woke up at 5 am and read an sms asking me over to sample some brownies.

Needless to say at 5am I shouted "what the??" pinched myself to check if I was dreaming because it felt so foreign and all. But still fell back into sleep. Woke up(late) and re-read it. Then went to coll. Late again.

But on fri...I actually made it really really early. By normal standards of course. Eng Joe even asked as we were talking to coll "Eh why so early?"

Sat down for physics. Assaulted by pain. Went home.

Ate the meds. Ate the food. Played 1 crap game of Dota.

Headed off to HELP and tried to get my passport renewed.

As I was parking the car...I saw a familiar face. In between judging the space on the left and right of the car I kept glancing at the face. She notice I was looking and she stared back. So.....I looked in the mirrors. You know la can attribute it to passerby curiosity. Then I looked up. Remember where I met her. Waved. And *crunch*. GOODNESS CRAP I SCRAPED THE FRONT! THE FRONT OF THE CAR! AGAINST THE KERB! OH MY AHHHH!!!!!!!

She half laughed and smiled and walked on. I still think her hair is lala.

Form counter closed. So I took the shuttle bus off to wisma. And read Daywatch(sequel to Nightwatch) while waiting for CF to start.

CG ice breakers and stuff after worship. Heard the "He's from taylors but he don't know how to sew his pants" joke finally. Hehehe EDEXCEL SUCKS! WHOOPS!

Had a really really long lunch with the HELP CF gang. Then decided to make a move before it rained.

Then went to get the passport done. Quite fast. But sigh coulda saved 150$ if I had the bankdraft for which I pay the first term for my uni.

Oh the Imigration department of Malaysia also says my thumbs are messed up.

Before I got home my cd player batt quit on me. So...No music. The stuff I'm used to listening to and I enjoy. Sigh I switched back to Hitz.fm.

Went for supper. Tisu again for turtle and bird. And I ate mee goreng daging. We were pondering the existance of daging in it for awhile.

Then fragged with kurt till 2++ am. Slept till 6:20. Got up feeling quite pei. Then 2 ppl ffk me. So had a walk and breakfast with Colin.

Got home dota. Lunch. And went out to hunt for a present for Jamie. Took awhile to decide. And I didn't have anything to go by. Didn't even do any research. Felt like I was up a creek.........With no paddle. No compass. No map.

As it was getting wrapped. I did the usual. Talk craaaaaappppppppppp. I sorta know the people at Pretty Bows. And the lady kept on insisting she saw me on Friday. But I assured her I haven't been there since earlier in the week. "Good looks are pretty common yeah?"

Came home and had to handle an explosion of a unedible recipie from India. If you look really carefully you can see where my skin is stained. My room also kena a bit.

Went over to Jamie's.

Came home. Fell asleep typing a message to Jamie.

Woke up read an sms from a friend.(wow if I ever get an sms on monday morning it's generally from you heh) And Sunday is a blur dry boring sickly day. I'm very close to a fever sadly. Hence the babling senseless post.

---------------------

Nice hair btw friend. Quite wah.

bull says:
i found my thumb
Yew (:+++< says:
underneath your feathers?

I was actually supposed to post this on wednesday night itself...But I fell asleep cause I was super tired cause there were actually 2 birthdays on the day itself.

In keeping with the usual style of putting up very few pictures and not describing anyone at all...I'm just going to say...

Happy birthday Sarah Tan. ("Kid" Laming power!)

Happy birthday Peggy. NYOH! (Delete! Delete!)

And I totally forgot what else was supposed to be in this post because I've procrastinated too much.

-----------------------

If I get asked one more time "Where is Sarah?" I will seriously immitate xinyi and scorch earth!

So many people ask wei! Aiyoh we're both single lah!

Super annoying amount of people asked when I went HELP.

Ice breaker for their CG was today and miraculously the only reason I could go was because of food poisoning/my digestive tract is really breaking down.

Sigh turns out the slander against me has really piled up in my silence.

Maybe I should have discredited the source...Hmmmm...Is that allowed?

Sigh. Quite annoying lah when people stop talking to you because this fella starts gossiping about you.

Actually the mouth isn't annoying. It's the general effect of the reaction of the crowd.

Getting mudslinged non-stop is getting tedious. However I'm fortunate enough to have people around me that know me better than that and actually help deflect it.

My usual policy is just to stand upright(even with the scoliosis) and let my character just show on it's own as living proof.

But oops. Sigh. Turns out the slander will trim my outer circle of friends.

The distant friends that I want to get to know better are slowly getting trimmed off. Hmmm...

Oh well I wonder if it's fair to retaliate.

I'm going to pull out my com's speakers and drag them to my room.

Cannot tahan wei! Too much good music! It's like being thristy 24-7 now!

--------------------------

"A tabloid once said you were gay. Do you have any comments about that?"
"Oh I tend to make up rubbish during interviews just to see if the reporter is actually listening."
"So could you go over what happened?"
"Well I told him that I was a homosexual but I had to give it up because it made my eyes water. And he just nodded and kept writing."

Brilliant. It was on top gear.

-------------------------------

Kurtwin: Eh guys I think we're losing.
Kington: Eh Kurt I didn't know you got secret I identity.
Kurtwin: I do?
Kington: Yeah. You're captain obvious.

Every few days whenever we get to frag.

--------------------------------

"How did you get here?"
"Oh we flew."
"You flew?"
"Yeah you've never heard of the flying club? To get airborn right we just take a running jump...Then we try really hard to forget about hitting the ground. If you get that right. You won't land."
"Amazing."
"Isn't it?"
"So how did you get here lah?"
"Drive la."

"If there was a law against stupidity I'm a repeat offender."

Actually no. I don't think any wise man would say that. Probably a wise guy though.

Ugh slept at 3 yesterday. Super sleepy in college...

Last night went out with Bird and Emily for supper. Lucky lah had Emily there if not Bird confirm whine non-stop about results all the way.

"Eh Bird if you wanna commit suicide...You just fly up then you stop flapping."

When we were done ordering.

"Eh Bird still alive eh!"
"I got caught in the tree."

Had a small discussion on suicide tactics in the end. I managed to turn his opinion around about the merits of jumping.

--------------------------

Alright I've got the goods. I can go Uni now.

After fretting about it for awhile I just totally forgot about it till my cousin's girlfriend reminded me about 1 week ago.

But shortly before that I came up with a contingency plan.

Screw up AS too much to get into uni and I'll do psych in Help.

Sigh still doing engineering.

Somehow it's all a bit lacklustre. After being so stressed up over it when taking the papers somehow when I got the results it was more relief that I didn't mess up than being happy I did pretty ok.

But the buildup was bad. I couldn't get up because I had daya ria and it blew apart my sleeping schedule.

So I got up at 10:30 got to coll at about close to 12.

But I was kinda worried because I asked Andrew and he said a few ppl didn't get A for econs. And he didn't get A for physics either. Which I really really needed. Even if it's 3 As and 1 B for phys I'm out of Uni because I applied to unis too high in the tier.

Then when I got to coll I found out by overhearing the Vietnamese girl talk to Eswhy...No one in their law class got above D for socio. And quite a few people screwed up math.

Scary.

I had to wait for Mr Ananda to get back to the office before I could get my results in the end so I waited till 1.

When I told my mom and dad they were quite happy about it.

But I knew 1 thing is for sure.

Those 3 As are gonna be worth squat at the rate my A2 is going.

(For the benefit of the SAM people)

A-lvls is divided into

AS (which is what we just took which is just pretty much a repeat of SPM material with more thinking)
and A2 (entry level uni stuff. The material is very different much more complex and requires a level of maturity that I don't have)

AS and A2 will be averaged out at the end of the 1 and a half year course to determine the final grade.

And as my teachers put it.

"An A in AS helps your final grade. But be sure to get an A because you're going to be hard pressed to do well in A2."

Ms. Indra is freaking right so far.

"Even with an A in econs for AS, It's still possible to get C for the final grade so don't relax."

Ms. Chian is also on the ball. I've got a feeling I'm quite dead in this department too.

Ms. Lim however just encouraged us to do well over all. Maybe cause she's given up hope on us.

Either way like my sis said "Getting the A here means you're answering the way they want you to. But it's good you realise that A2 is the real deal where you'll be tested properly. So keep up the good work."

I've gotta figure out a new way to do things. The old mechanical way of learning by copying isn't working at all in A2. With further math to contend with (I'm weak in both sections. Actually more like crippled) I'm in a very bad state to fight it.

Can't give up yet sigh.

"For every time you refuse to use your talents. It's as if you're refusing a gift from God. And even when you're refusing to use a gift from one of your friends they would feel offended. How do you think the person who has done more than just given you talents and life feel?"

They ring hard. And I realise I've gotta look for my wings again. And if I can't find them...I better have something that allows me to fly.

-------------

And oh my results at this level although they sound good...They aren't "wow" worthy actually. They're good I have to admit. But everyone knows I could lose things. And we're all still in the thick of the woods. Lets add oil(to borrow a phrase from a friend) my fellow a-lvls brothers and sisters and fill those A2 papers to the brim with something more susbstantial than crap.

Food poisoning. Sial.

Yer I don't wanna spend the night with my head spinning like some lovestruck young maiden smitten with a very charming young man(such as the delusional self image of the author of this blog).

I had a nap on the floor. But I couldn't stand the orange lamp in my room so it's now pointing at the wall and I'm living off any light bouncing off the wall.

But my mom would come in see me sweating and shout at me to go take a second bath.

The din nearly split my head clean like firewood on the chopping block.

But I woke up much later at about 11 had a bath anyway.

Came out. Then found my fragging mates.

Had a sad frag. But we were saying "If we win this 4A's tmr right"

Game was that sad.

We didn't win. Duh no possible way.

Fear for my econs now. NOooooooooooooooooo I don't wanna give up 10% of my income to my econs teacher!

Oddly enough. I'm not worried somehow. Not even anticipant. I'm just talking crap with a friend who's alvls doesn't matter anymore too.

Sigh I guess I should sleep. If not I won't be able to get up on time tomorrow.

If the results suck...I'll be home early and you won't see a post from me.

If they rock...I'll still be home early and you won't see a post from me either cause I'd be busy.

And a big thank you to the only non-alvls student who wished me blessings. You know who you are. Smsed me at 4:30. Thank you wei.

That night fragged with Bird till 4 then slept for 3 hours.

Woke up went to wish Amanda farewell. Went to church. (sorry eh friend I had to dash off so suddenly if I wasn't late I would have to stayed to help you)

Went for lunch with church members. Sent a new guy I just met to KJ station then came home to a fully occupied house again. Sigh no longer alone.

------------------------------

Looking for a roti tissue we went to a mamak just me and a pal.

Then I saw them. The people from a world that I don't quite belong but I frequently visit.

Then I saw her. Still the same. Ever cheerful. Ever smiling. As if I never walked into her life.

I talk to the others while hoping that she'd notice me waving. But she doesn't. Too busy.

Oh well. I go back over to my bud and settle back into my chair order my usual teh-o-ais. I drop her an sms asking if she's in this so and so place. My normal style of teasing when I spot her and she can't see me.

"Haha Yeah" comes the reply. But I didn't notice it.

She calls and asks me to raise a hand so she can see me. I raise my left with the tape and she doesn't see it. She's kinda short anyway so it wouldn't be easy to see my hand.

"Wave it in the air." I wave. "Can't see"

The phone call ends shortly after and my bud and I get cracking on his roti tissue and me on my cheese naan.

Minutes later her group makes to leave as me and my friend are only halfway through our meal.

I wave to them. And resume my meal.

Chewing on my naan with mint paste. Ah bliss. Sucking on my teh-o-ais. Watching 22 men chase chase a leather ball. It's all so relaxing. Even with such a crazy week. Things just seem so peaceful to just be sucking on the straw.

A tap on the ribs.

I look up. And I see her smile and wave goodbye.

"Oh well" I say to myself as I resume sucking my rapidly dwindling teh-o-ais. Somethings just aren't meant to flow that way I guess. Even after knowing her for so many years I guess we'll just never have a solid conversation.

Guess I'll never know the person behind all those smses.

----------------

Jorrel asked me soooo many freaking times in a row "Are you sure you're not gay?"

-_-...............BEI la this guy

The sunlight licks the surface of the pale green car as we speed across the intersection.

It's cool even though the rays are bright because it's still early in the morning.

But in the car...

She told him she’d rather fix her makeup
Than try to fix what’s going on
But the problem keeps on calling
Even with the cellphone gone
She told him that she believes in living
Bigger than she’s living now
But her world keeps spinning backwards
And upsidedown
Don’t say so long in the cellphone
Don’t spend today away
Cuz today will soon be

Gone, like yesterday is gone,
Like history is
Gone, just trying to prove me wrong
And pretend like your immortal

She said he said live like no tomorrow
Every day we borrow
Brings us one step closer to the edge (infinity)
Where your treasure, where’s your hope
Forget the world and lose your soul
She pretends like she pretends like she’s immortal
Don’t say so long
Your not that far gone
This could be your big chance to makeup
Today till soon be

Gone, like yeterday is gone,
Like history is gone,
The world keeps spinning on,
Your going going gone,
Like sumemr break is gone,
Like saturday is gone
Just trying to prove me wrong
You pretend like your immortal your immortal

We are not infinite
We are not permanate
Nothing is immediate
We’re so confident
In our accomplishments
Look at how dark it is

Gone, like frank sinatra
Like elvis and his mom
Like al pichino’s cash nothing lasts in this life
My highschool dreams are gone
My childhood sweets are gone
Life is a day that doesn’t last for long

Life is more than money
Time was never money
Time was never cash,
Life is still more than girls
Life is more than hundred dollar bills
And oh the town fills
Life more than fame and rock and roll and thrills
All the riches of the kings
And up in wills we got information in the information age
But do we know what life is
Outside of our conveinent lexus cages

She said he said live like no tomorrow
Every moment that we borrow
Brings us closer to the God who’s not short of cash
Hey bono I’m glad you asked
Life is still worth living, life is still worth living

We sang the whole song. Heh. We were just so high.

And whenever a "gone" came along we'd shout it extra loud. As if we're referring to the problems in our lives.

Then the next song plays....

"I'm surrounded by the sound of loud machines, And everyone's got their problems, and no one knows how to solve them....."

And we sing it all the way till I park my car.

Brilliant music.

As I walked to my car. With the sunlight reflecting of the winshield causing glare to flow into my eyes blinding me.

I thought...Aiseh I hope it starts on the first try.

And that it needs a wash.

Then I unlocked the car door. No remote so it's done from the driver's side. Then I saw...No right ear mirror.

*blink/stoning blink*

The ear is intact worh. WHAT LA AIYOH SO VAIN UNTIL NEED TO STEAL CAR MIRROR MERH?

Then I played with the mirror adjuster.

With no other car to drive I took it to coll anyway. No mishap. But I had to have Xinhuei as a spotter in the car on the way home though.

--------------------------

I got into the car. Then I looked right. Eh why my car ears folded in arh?

Then I looked at the left side.

Aiyo some smart bugger school kid musta thought it was funny to fold it in.

I tried using the motor function to unfold it. But it just whined in the casing of the ear.

So I wound down and gently pushed it open.

Then I played with the motor.

Creepiest noise came out from the right side ear.

But it works lah at least.

Sadly it's loose now by about 10 degrees both in and out so I have to keep adjusting it everytime I get in.

Unfair lah both cars also kena @@

ARGH CANNOT TAHAN!

YOU PEOPLE MUST LISTEN TO "THE LESS, LOUD MACHINES"! THE ALBUM!

THATS MUSIC!

A Dream Too Late sounds pretty good too.

---------------------

"Eh we gotta walk in a circle. Follow the path you know? So the energy is maintained."
"You mean the EnerChi arh?"

---------------------

Had a strange at first super crazy then suddenly dead serious and in the person's own words "sober" talk.

Learned quite a lot.

----------------------

Having a suddenly inflow of a lot of good music. Nice. Ear candy.

"You've got Sarah still want more arh?!" The sound goes high. Echoing gently in the orange sunlight. Loud and with a unique frequency that stands out from the other voices in the crowd. Simple. Sharp. In a plaintive teasing tone. Echoing off the pink walls and the cars parked around us. With a background noise of the collective murmur of the crowd, the sweet whisperings of the couples on the benches and the rustling of the trees in the wind.

He's talking to Fang about Sarah Poh.

(Gotcha wei! Just had to do it! And now on to the cost of dreaming. Eh Sarah don't whack me for this. Sorry. But it's worth the idea.)

---------------------------------

"That's so sweet." A flicker a shot of a close friend saying it.

And it rolls over into complete darkness.

I'm sitting at my computer. I'm typing in URLs.

I type in Lesley's and I read a post. I skip reading the date. But I see and itinerary and I read it just a bit and I jump through looking for anything interesting.

I type in Henry's and I see there's no update. I scroll up and down and read the chatter box. Nothing's changed either

And I type in Sarah's and I see there's no update either. No new comments either. And I remember what time I slept last night.

No one can update at that time.

Strange. I never type in the URLs. I can't. It's difficult just trying to remember the spelling for Henry's.

It rolls off to black.

And then it rolls in.

Quick glimpses of details. Of things to come. Of things of the people around me. I think I see a wrecked car. I feel a rotten brake underfoot.

And then comes the past.

A repeat of things which have happened. I see Sarah. I see Bird. I see the Nother. Things flicker and shift but all the while keeping that blue coloured tint of memory ploughing.

Then I see the repeats of dreams which have become reality at some point. The McD. The paper. The pen.

I wake up. I feel the bitter cold. I close my eyes again. And images leap at me.

I roll out of bed. I take a leak and I look into the sink.

I let go of the sour spit that was building in my mouth. I wash my face and see the water swirl down the hole. I'm mostly at home at home with no one to talk to. But not like I'd fully reveal what I saw anyway.

I rinse my face again.

I don't have a clock to tell me when things are coming. I don't have a timepiece to tell me when to move. I don't have a watch to tell me precisely when things happen when they do.

I just use the pendulums.

All I can do is hope I'll know how to react when they do come.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I drop dem' knives onto the floor. They go clink onto the floor.

I take my seat and she's using the computer. I wait for her to get out the thing she wants me to do.

When she's done and she leans back, I rest my hand loosely on the mouse. It's small cool and plastic.

I flip through the pages on the screen reading quickly.

She rests her hand on top of mine as I hold the mouse steady as I'm just reading the screen.

I look at her and she just places her fingers in the nook between my forefinger and thumb and curls them her fingertips touching the edge of my palm.

She squeezes gently.

I smile and continue clicking away.

----------

She's very close as I'm reading the details rolling across the screen. Bored she leans her head on my shoulder.

I whisper something to her. And she looks me in the eyes and I just smile.

She rests her head against my shoulder again and I turn my attention to the screen yet again.

But I find myself not paying attention to the readout.

I find myself just enjoying her warm touch on my shoulder.

I touch her cheek with my hand.

--------------------

I'm leaving in a car. I'm driving with a team member in the car with me. The black car rolls out across the area with the usual music playing gently in the background.

We're both bored just watching the scenery pass by.

He's lost in his thoughts.

I'm thinking about her even as I'm setting up some equipment. And her warm touch on my skin when I didn't the heavy stuff I'm wearing now.

--------------------

I keep things into my pockets. And I turn and ask the nearest person where is she.

I scale the steps 3 at a time with light grace as I don't want to go stomping up the stairs.

I find her on the uppermost landing it warm orange light. And I sit next to her.

She edges closer to me until our shoulders press against each other.

I turn and look her in the eyes.

And I whisper sweet nothings for her to hear. As she just listens and smiles.

---------------

The offload nearly tears my head inside out. The switch and the upload of the information. The record of yesterday pours into my head. For a fraction of a second I'm heavily disoriented.

I turn on the sonar in my head. I pass the ambient sound over the whole room sweeping it giving me a view of everything. It's tinted blue and I know it's because my eyes are shut.

My blanket is draped over my left hand. But the rest of me is bared to the elements.

Still refusing to open my eyes I recall last night's dream.

I smile. Then I realise it's just a dream.

With the blanket around my fingers I touch the corners of my closed left eye. To wipe them away.

---------

The cost of dreaming.

The high price of it.

----------------------------------------------------------------

Peculiar. Could use a bit more touchup for this. Oh well just gonna come back and fix things later.

Sigh gonna sleep early. Don't wanna wake up late for coll anymore. And it would be kinda embaressing if I got into a transport deal with Xinhuei and she kept having to wake up her driver everyday.

The genius kid that never says anything no matter how odd the stuff I fling at her would probably finally get pissed.

It's in 2 parts. And there was an edit because of a mistake in my writing some things don't fit right.

Amazing how people can put your life into perspective.

I woke up REALLY late today, quickly settled everything, packed my bag and drove to coll.

And I smsed my friend and got an expected reply. Much later during coll I got another expected message.

Sigh. Alright didn't get my hopes up anyway.

Then I made my first mistake for the day. I received an information request wayyyyy late last night. I made a mistake. Wow a definitive source of information losing the thread and getting the info wrong and missing on top of that. Got chastised over the phone.

Ordinary lunch.

Then went to the cafeteria.

Sarah Lim was doing some SAT stuff and then I noticed....Midge.

Talked for a bit. And read Sarah's SAT vocab cards. Ok lah my vocab. Then Sarah started asking me to describe some words. I messed up a few and had difficulty explaining them to her. Strike 2. Deng.

Then I spoke to Stephanie Tan. Really gotta thank her. She's provided me with a ladder out of this problem I've had for donkey long. Woot. And when I talked to her...I found where I dropped the rope. Where I dropped the links. Now I can get back on track. Fuh amazing how you talk to some people and the un-stuck your head.

Then she asked me a maths question. I actually taught her M3 for thinking skills questions last year.

But suddenly I knew nuts. I couldn't do a single question right. I was more redundant than anything. I couldn't even check her sums. I became a wooden stick. Yer. I guess it's time I picked up the pieces and viciously maul my A2 subjects if not I won't survive this...Gotta focus.

Aiseh.(nah my famous word right? heh)

Then I drove home and I couldn't seem to overtake this guy. He kept giving me face I could tell but I just couldn't seem to overtake him. I couldn't find the turning point for my car so I just plain couldn't. Wow sadness I've even lost some driving skill.

Then I sent sis to ss2 got home and was playing dota for about 3 mins till I got a call. Died right out when my teammate did something REALLY stupid.

Then 2 people left the game. And I suddenly realised the importance of the call. I quit the game in the end.

Amidst the shouting from my mom, my sis and my dog's barks...I did my best to listen to everything and tried my best to help. (I hope I helped enough.) I've never had a phone call so long in such a long time since I called Sarah last year and even then it only lasted 20 mins.

But I felt that I hardly did nuts. Wow I've fallen from grace. The guy who Violet and Emily turned to for help is long gone too...

I sent my sister off back to UK.

And as I was walking back to the lift I pulled out my hand phone and read an sms about seasons. Thanks.

In the car on the long drive back home I didn't say anything to my mom so the car was totally quiet. Apart from my music playing on her radio.

I thought about things. I'm accountable for my history but my performance is shown by my present.

And my present is a lil under-performing. I've gotta get things back on track fast. Because I'm about to get into heavy work soon. I can feel it coming.

This is just a wake up call. Not to trod on me while I'm in the dirt. And I actually feel inspired by such a day to take up the wings again and soar. Like I once did before.

Just like what was expected when I was first crafted.

----------------------

Right person wrong time. They ring hard. Tapping me on the shoulder and giving me a sucker punch.

Yeah right person wrong time. It means a lot.

A clue. An indication. And it sinks like 2 super concentrated drops of acid through my skin burning me through.

Double stab.

The first I notice because I've been reviewing something non-stop ever since I talked to someone in the afternoon. And I realise I made another mistake. A bad move.

I hope not. I wish it isn't so. But I don't think I'll know. But the phrase..."words have power" rings in my head. Me and my trap...

I've dropped my very own blades on myself.

And I realise I've picked the right shield. Because if I didn't I'd be weeping with my head in my hands.

Then I realise the other stab.

The right person at the wrong time. Had it been nearly a year ago when I was just picking my tools it would have been the right time.

Had it been close to a year ago when I was switching my resources. It would have been the right time.

Made so close. So parallel. So compatible. Just right. Almost everything is the same.

So comparable. Nearly the same and complimenting each other nicely.

But the time is wrong. I picked some of the other set of tools to diversify myself. I picked up the other helmet. The other greaves.

But the inner things in me still shine through. And I've realised what I'm missing out on. But somehow with what I'm headed for now...I don't regret anything.

Even if I pass on what I have now...I won't know for sure what could've been. I feel the loss. But then again there's nothing in wondering what today might be like if I did yesterday different.

As a man of my craft. Holding my tools high. Working and toiling for God's plan. Taking every cut and blow as a frontliner. And trying to catch his flow and push it the way he wants. While trying to avoid getting swept away.

As a man who's main tool is strategy. I can only plan and hope I don't make any more mistakes.

But as I quote..."How do you make God laugh? Tell him your plans for the future."

----------------

I've screwed myself. The damage has finally surfaced. I want to hit myself for it.

But there's no point. I was only the trigger. I just touched the detonator. I can only hope I didn't cripple myself.

But I can't say it's unfair. I bet my other brother is complaining if it's unfair too. But bro I hope you leave this to me. And follow your future not your past.

Gotta move my resources back though. Confusion. Sigh.

Last last Sunday ended on a good note. With a nice convo with Sarah. And a super encouraging one from Pui Yean("You've had all the bad days for the quota so you can have the good days after this!") Thanks Yean!

The whole week before that was just buried in crap lah. I spent the whole time after Henry's party ber-emoing around.

Then Sunday put a little ray of sunshine into perspective.

But sigh sadly someone turned me down for lunch on Monday. -_- Never mind lah expected also.

So I ended up going off to try and get my passport made. But I forgot to take my passport sized photos and my birthcert. ("Kurt say IC!" "passport!")

Realising that there's no point going back and forth...I hopped off to fetch Lesley and her friend for hanging about till about 7 smth. About 3 hours were spent stoning and crapping actually. Then went for dinner with Emily followed up with Bob with Bird, Penyu and Emily. Found Xinyi in the morning and found out I could scare her.(she's super hard to locate and I need her for something) AMAZING! NICE! WOOT!

Good day.

Tuesday first day of coll. Was fun getting my feet wet again.

Wed was also a fun day but it was pretty long. And oh I found Xin Huei in taylors for the first time. Need her for something as well. Dad left for Bangkok. Fragged 2 good games in coll. Slept late betting and all with the 2 guys after fragging.

Thurs I think I bummed around the whole day but went out to do crap anyway. Mom left for Bangkok. Got to sleep on the masterbedroom's bed. But slept at 4. Woot first taste of a bed in close to a month. No I didn't lick it.

But I froze my butt off no blanket.

Friday I froze over. No blanket again but super cold. I woke up to Lesley's sms (THANKS WEI REAL LIFE SAVER!) Got up put everything together. Went off to coll. After coll friday rocked lah. But at night was just the usual fragging. And I figured out the heat problem for my com.

Sat I went to Pasar Seni with Bird. And we bought a kite for Benaiah since he was leaving Malaysia. Wau! Bird super suck at bargaining. But hey it was fun.

Sunday, said farewell to Amanda. Sniff will miss you Panda! Then I went to church and had lunch with the subang/klang huddle group. Came home and my parents were home. Went to Viet Kitchen in 1U with aunt and my cousin who was brought up from Johor. Good dinner. But I felt like something was wrong. I didn't manage to perform my function in the morn after all...And turns out my shoe is beyond repair...So the week ended on a bad note for me.

Sigh and I also started swearing again. I quit last year because I knew I was going to hang out with Sarah a lot more and swearing in front of her seems very wrong...

Alright alright gotta fix things before the week is over.

And I've got a blog post readied but uncompleted. Gonna be a few days before it comes up. Trying to add Malaysian flavour to my writing.

Oh also quite happy cause I managed to shift some resources last week. Difficult but sooooooooo worth it!

Downloaded The Less and Grey Holiday too! Was a super super happy week!

Supposedly when I'm pissed it feels a lot like acid spill.

Scalding and burning things everywhere. Burning up little shrubs from their miserable lives. And scalding a few unfortunate souls. But no one was disfigured luckily.

But supposedly when Xinyi gets pissed she stares you in the face you lose a bit of hair, some small critters die and insects just die in the general blast zone everywhere.

Oh yeah temperature drops by 20 too while you're feeling hot under the collar simultaneously. She's good...And I'm jealous.

Well supposedly while under this roof there are penalties for lashing out and doing anything.

So normally I ber-emo in my own room trying hard not to swear or I try really hard to read the Bible(reading it takes a lot of effort and concentration and time when I'm pissed because of the plain way I was made)

But wow. This night is really testing my patience.

I was alright till my friend dropped the bomb of false hope on me. Twice. I was already well insulated for the first blow. Stared at my foggy little crystal ball for a good part of my free time guessing things and it popped up. So I just chilled first. So when the news came I dodged backwards and smiled thriumphantly because I didn't get slapped. Then I leaned forward with a smirk on a face. Then for "wed" I had a drop of hope. Then Life the nasty guy I live with, did a backhand and splattered that smirk of mine all over the wall on the left.

First time I was well prepared lah cause I kinda expected it already. But kawan...The second time lah it was like getting slapped by the back hand of fate. I know it's not your fault and all but..."wah" is the best and all I'll say. But then again quite used to you potong-ing my steam...

Then round 2. Sis wanted to tell me mildly interesting stories but it's a lot like the stories that people tell and you go..."you didn't know that?" but I was feeling snappish. So I said "who asked?" heheh high 5 Rachel if you see this.

Sis didn't hear it though. So she told her donkey story anyway. Which is fine and all till she went..."Kington listen to my story lah. Very interesting."

By the blessing poured on me please give me the strength to handle crap. WOW NICE LAH SISTER JUST BLEW THE ENDING FOR A SHORT STORY I'M READING. AND WOW FANTASTICALLY BEFORE I FINISHED THAT SENTENCE ALL THE ENDINGS FOR THE SHORT STORIES IN THAT BOOK.

Deep breath. 1....2.....3.....4......*holds temples* *closes eyes* *scrubs face with a coarse palm*

And dad wanted me to settle his 3G/messages setting problems for his handphone. Which involved calling Maxis about 5 times tonight alone. And the whole time my dad would sarcastically say "And I thought you said you were the smart one?" everytime I had to call them again or tell him the latest turn of events. Not to mention the fact that I haven't done my homework and I should have went to sleep about an hour ago. In the words of Keong "sweet" heh.

Cleansings breaths yeah...1.....2................3........FOUR LAH.......*holds temples* *closes eyes* *pinches bridge of nose*

Oh yeah not to forget service with a smile. Like adding insult to injury weih.

But kinda yay it's working buahahaha I've got the skills and the thin hairline patience of keeping the fire 1mm from the surface to get the job done. Woot. I'm running off the 3G connection from the handphone for this.

But I guess it's just a build up. Sorry wei Sarah I'm really not angry at you seriously. Just a lil dismayed. And you know how much I really don't want to scold you or unleash any form of wrath...

And the buildup...carlosttherightwingmirrorsoIcouldn'tcutrightdrivingtocoll today some guy stole just the mirror leaving the whole ear intact but removing the mirror,late for coll(woke up sooo late lesley got up before me),no proper room to prep for coll,forgot to load a cd in the cd player,crazy jam on the way to coll,forgot to charge handphone knowing perfectly well I had a very very necessary phonecall to make that day,sis decided to get frustrating asking for my cousin's number again and again and again repeatedly and asking me if I'm sure and being too lazy to call my aunt who would for 200% without a doubt have the number,asked classmates if they wanted to shift our class on friday so we could go home at 12 and so I could go to HELP CF to see the Rainbow and my other friends there, got a no for that,had 2 seperate hours of frustrating further math...,drove home without the right mirror once again,came home wanted to play dota but sis wanted me to do crap for her, got to play dota in the end but ended up having 2 crappy games, went for gym(massive tax on willpower truthfully), saw bittergourd chicken on the table, had to help cous move stuff even though I super badly needed to deliver stuff to Kein Yew and take a bath, lost water pressure during my bath, a niggling thing that can push me to yelling point everytime I think about it and Oh I'm hungry. And oh my shoes are irrepairable.

But all that didn't matter actually. I just let bygones be bygones was fairly pleased after the water pressure came back. Was kinda happy actually.

Then you tak jadi come -_- how long lah has it been since we last talked? Was super looking forward to it and all...

But oklah things were sill pretty good today. I asked for a spotter to replace the missing mirror and Eswhy even went so far as to say she'd be willing to stay till 3 just to help me out. Wow I'm touched. Eswhy actually agreed. Xin Huei did the job in the end. Had a fairly good lunch. Found a super chun chu yuk fan shop the guy moved actually. Thanks to Edwyn for that. Good physics lesson. Xin Huei might be able to drive in the morn and afternoon back and forth while I rest if she gets the license fast enough. Managed to fight for the Sentra back tomorrow. Nice. Lifted 15 kgs using only 1 muscle. Even that surprised the trainer a lot. Mom fetched me home too. Saw the Turtle too. Mike is also being a real bud trying to get me tell the rest of the story. A fun relay of smses between me and a friend and a really really touching goodbye in a phonecall. It was so short but when I put down I just had to go "Wow!"(I don't think you know who I'm referring to but I just had to say thanks anyway really made my day halfway) Managing to catch Xin Huei in the cafeteria before class started. Finding out that I might be taking on 2 permanant passengers again finally. Finding out I might get a source of cash soon. Well needed with 4 diff birthdays coming. I've got a chance to reach full potential now. Finally talking to Sue Wei again ^^ And God still loves us.

Hopefully tomorrow is a better day. Seriously wei. Another day like this and you'd see me trying to abuse the full skill set with Keong's parang.

----------------

And everyone give a huge round of applause to Lesley for passing driving. Congratulations again! (But you still don't get to drive me.)(No way!)

Had a lot of questions about myself answered. Somehow the guy just knew all I wanted to ask. Even said it all before I asked.

-----------------------

"You are the hope so let no tears fall"

A chunk of a litany. It surfaced only recently. Sadly it didn't come with the title of it. So it's still a mystery whats the title of the whole thing. But more and more pieces are appearing. Sometimes it comes in a rush of them. Sometimes it's slow.

Whats the meaning of it?

A person once asked when was the last time I let the tears flow. Let emotion tear out of me from the eyes weeping and showing the emotion fully.

It's rare for me because of all the adjustments. Emotion isn't something that comes easy sometimes.

But to weep. It's difficult.

Not because I lack the componenets to do so.

It's because I'm not allowed that luxury. For the pieces to continue fitting I can't.

Being part of the best hopes for mankind. Akin to a shining light in the darkness. As inspiring as a cripple walking.

Having joy in the pits and tight fights of life. My life the one with the harder fights and stronger nightmares.

As long as I keep it under wraps and I can show that managing it isn't a problem...There won't be a problem.

I can keep providing the faith. The hope.

But seeing the other side of my coin only leads despair. If I can lose hope and faith. A lot of people would give up. Because it just shows even the shining example can screw up. With that every other candle help in hope would be blown out.

Keeping the all important tools and skills running at peak performance is the best way to avoid problems.

But now I'm begining to find inadequacy....But I will persevere because I'm the hope.

----------------------------

"Hey I heard thats coming. Aren't you going to help out Sarah this time?"
"I can't that little bit is out of both my control and my reach."
"Still quite amazed you managed to pull that off last year. Quite amazing."
"I do try."

So yes for once I'm finally useless in the face of a problem. Sigh. Time to go get cracking on building more stuff.

I've lost touch. Ish. All I do is just plain stare off into space.

Even driving I just stare off into space.

Back from coll. Stare, answer Eswhy's questions. Stare. Tap steering wheel to the beat of the music.

To Damansara Heights. Stare, tap wheel to the beat of the music. Stare.

To Bangsar Village. Stare, try my best to talk crap(mixed results from the sleep deprived mind) and once again tap the wheel....Stare.

The problem is ordinarily when I'm staring off into space I'm normally thinking. But nowadays it's just mindless gaping. So vegetative...*stares blankly at the screen for a few secs*

Oh yeah right. I was blogging.

After all the sleep loss I'm even gesturing more now. And the only gestures I actually made in Thailand was "how much?" and "piss off you're too expensive". Now I'm waving like a magician formulating sigils and seals in the air trying to build a wall of solid gold. *leans back and sees the randomness* *shakes head*

Crap talking is at all time low though. Sigh alright gotta go see Jorrel about whacking the dents outa my crap. Sarah isn't around to really replenish it anyway. The crap has finally lost it's substance leading to a lot of "Ok....what were you trying to tell me again anyway?" Sorry about that...

So I do a lot of out of whack things when I'm sleep deprived. Sigh. Getting in on the years eh?

So whats keeping me up?

Lots of things actually.

Going backwards. In not exactly chronological order...

Yesterday's blog post took 3 hours to write. About there lah. Cause Kurtwin kept bugging me over his personal statement causing my already sleep deprived head to lose it's train of thought. Then I'd struggle looking for my rails. Have some good peace thinking then he'd ask something or whine about how he can't seem to fill his cap. But hey been there. Can't say anything.

2 days before I was playing dota and making bets with Kurtwin and Bird. Stupid stupid stupid bet. Yer how could I agree to it. Sigh.

The day before that working for dad again.

The day before that that I was packing for coll or smth. Hm....

Oh whats keeping me up tonight? I gotta teach Kurtwin and Bird how to fill in their UCAS applications...I sooo wanna sleep badly. Yer later Lesley wake up earlier than me again. *groans* *scrubs face with a coarse palm*

Still a long way to go before those fellas finish it too.

bull says:
date u put wat ah
bull says:
king date for the alvl u put wat
Kurtwin says:
...
bull says:
king afk...

bull just sent you a nudge.

Shattered lense says:
what?
Shattered lense says:
date?
bull says:
yes date
Shattered lense says:
date I put SAM girls
bull says:
i dun wan to date u though

bull says:
woot nice one
Shattered lense says:
sex i put "not getting any"
bull says:
say getting some lah
Kurtwin says:
sex ur sis n mom will put F
Shattered lense says:
i'm honest
bull says:
well duh
Kurtwin says:
they got an F for sex
bull says:
eh dun delay pls
Kurtwin says:
@@
bull says:
u got an M so dun complain
Kurtwin says:
lol

Shattered lense says:
kurt say ic!
bull says:
uc
Shattered lense says:
crap
Shattered lense says:
dunno what to say di
Kurtwin says:
ic
bull says:
memnay
Kurtwin says:
wooops
Shattered lense says:
i wanted to put it on my blog
bull says:
memang
bull says:
...
bull says:
damn mo liu
Shattered lense says:
lets try again
Shattered lense says:
kurt say IC!
bull says:
uc
Shattered lense says:
shutup bird

Bei! BEI BEI BEI!



Oh nice song from Double Take.

A large chunk of my downloads are stagnating at the moment so it's kinda sad lah.

I can't finish my language files. And after a month it's only reached 30+ percent.

Pimsleur which I'm so greedily downloading 7.25 gigs is crawling along so slowly...When I see 10 I jump for joy till I get stuck...just like the torrent is stuck at 99 hours 99days and 99 mins to go...

Fsi is also kinda slow but it's 64.9% and 13 hours to go so it's all right.

Daywatch has constantly good speed but stagnating in queue at 20.3%.

Running with scissors stuck at 0. Too much other stuff to download for now.

Rodrigo y Gabriela also stuck at 0...

However a Secret Garden album crawled in through the gaps today. The album from 2007. Not the stuff I wanted to listen to while doing my online pysics exam.(got owned by the paper)

Sercret garden discography1.7 % I'd have to say I'm quite impressed.
White stones 3.7% And Dreamcatcher 24.4% 6kb/s 5 hours to go.

Sigh supposedly lah. Fabled myth lah. Cor Win figured out ages ago how to proxy his downloads. Including the torrents. Crazy speeds. It just ends up constantly 120kb/s....Consistently.

But when I ask he ask me to fly kite. Sigh.

I opened the painted metal box.

Only 2 people have the key to this. Primarily the other owner just stores his stuff here. Me being the other just uses it as a stop over point for stuff I'm moving to and from this place. Basically just cutting weight from my bag.

It's dark. The sad halogen tubes provide most of the light here. I'm all alone here looking at the metal box with it's orange face.

The only other sounds are crickets in the far off distance playing their monotonous songs as the air cond cooling unit drips onto the metal awning somewhere in the darkness behind me.

I fumble with my keys dropping the whole set to the floor.

I pick up the metal box's key with my thumb and forefinger. It's crazy heavy. But I just can't help but stare at the key for a moment in this almost silence wondering how different things might have been if I didn't screw up.

No point wondering anyway. I shove the key into the mini padlock and pop the box open.

I look inside. It's empty apart from the files and folders books piled high nearly to the brim of the locker. Any higher and I'd scrape my knuckles sticking my hands in.

I pull out everything and shove the contents into my bag.

A gentle breeze rushes in and caresses my face. The air is cool and moist, it had been raining.

I stare into the empty metal box and I just shake my head as I close it again.

---------------

The air is humid. And it's oh so hot. Heat was building in my thick clothes. The sunlight had me squinting.

I wasn't used to wearing them then. In such a combination. I'd rarely wear them in such a combination at all. But...Things change and force certain things to happen.

"One please." I say to the lady barely older than me behind the table.
"Alright but could you leave your name and your number it'll take awhile to wrap."

15 minutes later I'm back picking it up.

I open the box. And I place it inside the metal box gently carefully.

Before closing the door on it gently and locking it with a padlock.

------------------------

I remember opening the box. I feel my heart beat harder and stronger as I look at the contents.

It's all so foreign. Did I really produce all that?

I shake my head in disbelief. Is it my gift? Surely there's more to this than just the Right and the Left at work here. Surely there's more than that weird repeat cycle gift at work here.

I stick in a stiff folded board. Filled with yet another of my gifts.

I remember hearing "I wish you luck" as my friend handed over the paper with the draft written on it barely hours before I placed it in. She was merely shocked and had nothing more to say as she began to see the real thing buried under all these clothes sloppy hair and strangely solid expressions.

"How is it?" I ask.
"Well it's fantastic. No mistakes your English is good on it's own give yourself some credit. She's a lucky girl."

So there's 3 copies surviving in this world. I think there's 3. The draft in my drawer to remind me not to make the same stupid mistakes. 1 embedded in her mind.

And the last is carved into the hard stiff board. Somewhere from my sight. And in a place I will be denied entry to for possibly the rest of my life.

-----------------------------

I catch them peeking. Even as I hurriedly close the box.

I look at them and muster a nervous smile.

They merely nod and walk away smiling. It's all done. And it's ready.

-----------------------------

My back is supported by steel. I take great care to avoid the steel nubs that line this surface.

1 in my spine and I could be numb for the next few hours. 1 in my ribs and I might tear something.

I rest my wrists on my knees as I stare at the ceiling.

I haven't gained the love of the dark yet. So staring at the lights wasn't as painful.

I hear the click. The padlock opens.

I look away.

It's all quiet now. It's silent out there and gradually getting darker as storm clouds roll across the skies.

The air slowly thickens with an unknown tension. I don't say anything. My heartbeat itself is calm and steady.

The person opening my locker chooses to say nothing either.

A lenghty pause. Most people would choose to dramatise this as a pause of unbearable length, one too quiet, one which would chill the soul. But then reflecting. I wish the pause had never ended. I wish nothing was said. I wish it went on forever.

But someone had to say when it was time to go.

"I'm sorry....."

I close my eyes. Fatigue. Strain. Stress. Regeneration. All of that has racked my body for about a week. All the difficulty. All the hard work.

For nuts.

The person takes a seat next to me.

"I'm sorry." it comes again.
"Don't be. It was my mistake. You have nothing to be sorry for."

Silence.

"Shall we go?" I try to start up the conversation again.
"I've gotta print some stuff first so I'll call you when I'm done."
"Right. I'll go off to rest somewhere. Just let me know when you're done."

Glad to part company I go off to try and sleep. It doesn't go well. I don't get any sleep in the end.

---------------------------

He's so young. Oh how the younger ones always try so hard. Hopefully things go well for him.

Maybe that's why it's so profitable to open this booth year after year.

But he only bought one. Sadly.

He spent so long looking at them. Examining them checking every fold was right. Trying to get the neatest looking one.

He put in a lot of effort. Some people are so lucky in this world.

Sigh too bad Benjamin over there had to waste his time and screw up his order.

He was patient and polite enough anyway. He just rolled his keys continuously while waiting for me to complete wrapping it.

All he did was just stare at the trees the whole time too.

Amazing how sweet some people can be. Just amazing how some people like this can still exist in this world.

I hand him the stalk and he just smiles politely. I can see he's worn thin by unspoken stress and things.

I smile back and wish him luck.

He replies he's going to need a lot of it.

He walks off carrying the rose with great care. Who knows where he's going with it...

==============================================

Very very pleased with this piece of work actually. Could use some comments though. Lesley? Charlie? Sarah? Pui Yean? Say smth pls ^^ could use some feedback on the style.

It's strange lah just had a Huddle with the adults and I realised I'm the youngest guy. All men of about 22 onwards and a young guy of 19 in their midst. I'm barely 18 too actually! They just poured all their advice into me even as they listened to my problems. Really thankfull to them and to God.

The inspiration for this piece of work came from something Sarah said about studying. Can't remember what anymore. It's all so muddled.

Been listening to Lesley's blog a lot of late. The song that autoplays...It's just so beautifull. It just brings me back to when I was studying music. Dreaming of how I would play great songs just like that someday. Can I have it please Les? ^^

Was up till 4 talking to Bird and Kurtwin.

Ended up in a really really stupid bet which might push a lot of my skills overboard.(lets just accredit it to the ramblings of 3 of the craziest minds after finally losing in dota)

That and finding out a really really smart girl is doing the Sunway A-lvls 1 yr course.(I can hear all the coll students screaming "OH MY GOODNESS!") Sister of the smartest girl in Sunway A-lvls lah. Expected lah.

Fell asleep after talking crap for awhile cause the 2 of them decided to go in "crap circles" got an sms asking me where am I too! Creepy nearly got dragged back in to the maelstorm of crap...

Woke up saw another sms. Wah head dahm foggy had to answer. And that was waking up.
---------------------------

Another landing. The steps are grimy. I can see it in the dark. The walls smudged wtih strange black stains.

The gaze behind me rests on my shoulders.

I know his expression is empty.
Waiting to see how I handle things.

We're climbing the stairs. Easy to climb it takes not much effort.

Agreeing was harder. Much harder.

I see her moving so energetically in front of me.

Climbing the steps happily. In her pointed shoes it's a bit difficult for her.

But for the other 2 of us our shoes have rounded toes. It's not a problem.

It's dark here...The shadows and the cool air compell me, Almost daring me to go at full speed. But if I did I wouldn't be able to watch her. And I'm not allowed to pass along the responsibility.

I bob upwards on every step trying to keep the energy in check.

The other man behind me. Only 12 days older. But he knows whats going on in my head.

The stairs hurt. Climbing them. He knows it hurts me like crazy.

There's no blood dripping anywhere. But he can tell it hurts. My gait didn't change. But he knows it cuts me bad. So badly and deeply. It's got nothing to do with the damage I've had to deal with.

His eyes drift off and check my hands. Relaxed. Checks the side of my face as we turn the steps to go around another flight. Tearless. Empty cunning expression. And I catch him looking.

Another landing. Just a few more floors to go.

It gets darker from 1 or 2 dead lightbulbs. I feel the blood flow harder in my veins. Harder to control the breathing. Harder to steady myself.

He doesn't notice that at least.

Ahead of us, she doesn't notice all of this transpiring behind her.

I glance behind. He just shrugs.

We walk on. 2 floors to go now.

She's smiling. Walking up these steps quickly slightly faster than normal. Energeticly. She's really really happy.

I turn around again. The face is cold. "your choice" it seems to say.

And we take the next flight again.

Why am I here?

Because I wanted to make sure she'd be safe. But here I am sending her up these stairs so that she could see another man. Possibly her love interest. My rival.

The place was quite far. And it was in a different direction than where we were headed.

I doubt my judgement further. Was it profitable for me to agree? Was it wise?

I'm ruining myself...I'm destroying what I tried to build with her surely...

But as long as she's happy. Whatever makes her happy. Thats what I tell myself.

We reach the top of the stairs. That dark spiral.

I look behind again as I open the door. And I see her walk smiling ear to ear past me. Happy that she'll get to see the guy we walked all the way here for.

And my friend behind her just gives me a "All the best with your choice" look.

And we step into the crowd. To look for him.

Thanks for yesterday eh buds. Dahm syok.

You're just so entertaining lah my neck and face muscles are pulled from resisting laughter already. Lets do it again sometime!
--------------------------

Freak it hurts.

"Are you ok or not?"
"Yeah, peachy, excellent just need to get over the pain first."

Ok try standing straight. Try walking. It's probably just a bump to that tender bit.

No comments. Woot should be alright lah. Just walk it off.

*splat*

WHAT THE JEWISH JANGLE! SO MUCH BLOOD! All over the five foot way! FREAK ON MY SHOES TOO!

"Your leg!"

Right sure thing. Duh it's my precious leg. Whee excellent my leg nice! Woot and we're so far away from anything and everything.

"Sit down first lah!"

A lady rushes out with plaster and tissue is pulled out.

"Plaster it."
"Let me dry up the blood first." I respond.

Siong lah dahm pain firing all the nerves one shot. It's nearly too much pain to stand.

I pull the fabric back. Take a waiting to tissue mop it up.

"You've got to seal it up."

Freak I gotta press it...Apply pressure...Basic first aid technique right...

I close my eyes. Place it on the horrid mess of a bloody fountain and press hard. There'll be no more blood in that area with such pressure.

Still breathing hard a plaster is slapped on.

I spend some time limping around but eventually I'm walking around.

But by nightime my feet hurt too. I sit in the bathtub with my feet soaking in water as cold as it gets. Sadly the nerves there are half dead not hypersensetive.

I felt like dripping iodin into the water but I resisted the urge anyway. The wound is covered in iodin.

<-------------------->

"Uncle you ok anot?"
"Yeap perfectly fine! Sweet! Having a great day my niece."

She just grins uncertainly.

"Why are you laughing and telling so many jokes? You look so cham."
"Maybe he's in shock." says Mr."I'm applying/pouring dettol right into your wounds"

I know from experience grown robust men recoil from pain. And I'm getting a healthy bit of first aid there and then.

All I feel is just cold air. Wow amazing. I know the old idea was to have things so screwed up pain wouldn't be on the list of sensations.

I had already denied help getting to the office because I didn't want to embaress myself further. Bravado. Waving to my friend's sister required effort. But chuckling to myself, and to the further curiosity of what kinda freak they're bandaging, I remember her expression. Worth it.

I keep telling jokes and laughing even as they keep applying antiseptic to the numerous wounds and taping on the massive bandages.

"I don't know whats wrong with you wei..." she says shaking her head.
"Me neither." I reply.

Well at least thats it for the pain management. Fuh luckily it was perfected 2 years ago. Lets me bleed like a spigot with minimal pain.

Getting home nevertheless was hard enough.

Thanks for it. Still working too. Good enough lah to keep going. To keep doing what I do best.
---------------

Wow I need to sleep. Super sleepy. Couldn't even get this post to turn out right.

Just finished Liar Game. Now need to pass it to Jorrel. Hmmm Lesley since you watch these things do you want a copy too?

Now it's a big question. Should I finish My Boss My Hero even if Michelle said it ends weakly? Or should I just hop over to 40 litres of tears?

And a big thank you to Michelle for giving me the last episode of Liar Game...1.1GIGS WEI!

The Good.

I reconnected with Henry.(although I had to shock him in the process)(I told you Lesley I can be scary)
I discarded some fairly pointless stuff I had learnt.
Took a journey back into the past and dug up some pretty useful stuff I USED to know how to do.
Had a lot of strength pumped in.
Reconnected with a lot of old friends.
Saw Emily. As promised last last year.
Saw Lesley. As promised last year.
Saw Sarah. As unpromised in any year.
Talked to Pui Yean quite a bit.
Fragged with Janus!(super+ there. Shit wei I feed like a cheeseburger)
Learnt how to handle my outputs. (and the efficiency of my input requirements)
Went Thailand and got a lot of positive writing influences there.
Got 3 pairs of jeans from Thailand. Loving them!
Got a new pair of headphones.
Studied some other non-academic stuff.
Learnt a bit of Thai.
Watched 1408 with the slackers in Jorrel's house.
Found my purpose in life.
Found my self.
Found my faith.
Figured out how to control the freaking bleeding.
Had the famous lorong selamat char kuey teow!
Got Bird to stop worrying about how I conduct myself in most aspects.(just today)(was heavily quizzed on my course of actions and when I produced mature well thought out answers which indicated I had already thought of all these things before hand)
Finally saw the insides of Sri Cempaka.
Found a lot of chun new music. (THE ROCKET SUMMER!)

The Bad.

Laid my paternal Grandmother to eternal rest.
Pushed Sarah away for a brief moment.
Dripped away a lot of blood.
Nearly lost my faith, my self and my confidence.
Nearly lost my trust in a brother. But now I doubt my sister instead.
Did not pick up my skills in my left and my right again. (very very sad loss)
Skills learning progress was fairly stagnant. Just a few enhancements on old stuff anyway. (am I reaching the end of things?)
Lost patience.
Didn't study any academia.
Didn't do any homework.(sure gg tmr/today)
Fell sick quite a bit.
Lost in a personal fight.
Didn't get to renew passport.
Lost some of that glimmer and charm.
Didn't finish Daywatch nor the awakened mage.
Didn't clear out my hard disks.
Pissed off my parents one too many times.
Didn't see Michael.
Didn't fix things with Mar-xha.
Left behind a lot of things.
Burnt a bridge or 2.
Lost a few skills entirely.
Didn't go out with Sarah as much as expected.
Didn't go out with Lesley as much as expected.
Became a total cheeseburger in Dota.(apart from being a total nut)
Gained some negative influence in Thailand.
Restrung some finances.
Hard drive swamped with music.
Didn't touch any musical devices. Apart from my speakers.
Lost a lot of stuff from my memory. As Sarah dreadfully pointed out with a question.
Lost a bit of the driving touch. Ouch the most hard burned and forced into service driver losing the touch.

The TBD(To Be Determined) (terminology courtesy of Trisha)

The pessimist bit in me won. Beat the optimist bit in me in a contest. (basically how many times and under what conditions would hang out with Sarah, and a few other things.) So the pessimist will reign. No telling where that will lead.
Had a bit more nightmares than usual.
Moved up in the ability to predict things.(yes it can be both good and bad)
Mucked about in other people's business.
Dispensed a lot of advice to Wei Yew. (can go either way seeing how things turned out for me)
Investigated things.
Couldn't figure out a question Sarah posed in the past. Almost back to square one too.
Changed stance. Twice.
Made a few dangerous decisions.
Got my dog to stop following me around so much. (sis's doing actually haha)
Bought switchfoot concert tickets.
Didn't teach anyone to replace me again.
Spent a lot of time focusing certain skills and totally left out some.
Copied stuff.

--------------
Wow complicated. A lot of things aren't even mentioned.

Well I do this self-evaluation a lot actually. Every once in awhile. And sometimes once a week or every few days.

First time I've put it off for so long actually. But oh well the demands of the world can't wait can they.

Alright time to sleep. Lesley is telling me to anyway. Pretty sound advice seeing as I'm as dead beaten as my car today.

Feel like redoing today again. Quite a wonderful day apart from forgetting to bring my birth cert for passport renewal. But first I gotta get back into the groove. The flow.

Pointless rambling. Gotta sleep.

Snore. Ciao.

2 thumbs up ladies and gents!
2 unscannable thumbs up!

I got my IC renewed because I'm already 18. Really fast actually. But the scanner couldn't read my thumbs. And I don't think it's cause of the calloused right thumb.

Lady tried everything. From powder to cream. Nope. No go.

Finally she said. "Thumbprint tak match lah."

Hmmm...Retrospectively...When Mr Chua tried looking at our fingerprints last year...It was agreed I've got freaking scary thumbprints.

Maybe all that thumb damage changed it eh?

My mom has no thumbprints though. Creepier.
----------------------------

Side note...I'm begining to re-consider working for my dad. Because that would mean working with my sis.

And from what happened today. Doesn't seem good.

I checked out entry requirements for Bath psychology. GOODNESS GRACIOUS! 3 A's!

Well at least I can consider Australian Unis as long as it's not engineering. I'll go have a look around.

Although HELP's 30k for 3 years program seems tempting...With friends there and all...But hey it's my life I'm putting on the barb wire here.

Ok I've seen the light.

I understand the accursed thing.

I understand the purpose.

But I don't understand why does it hurt so much less that it did the last time?

Experience lah must be.

So I just bummed around all day reading the awakened mage.(those love dovey bits in the book can be quite squem worhty)

Made some massive progress finally. 200 pages in a day. Not bad lah.

Then when I finally put the book down. I figured out why and how does it figure out into the plan.

Mentally I'm staring at a huge flow chart. More like mindmap. But it just looks like names hanging in the air in a 3d ball some large, some small.

It's full of names. And below every name is written loads of details.

Sarah Tan's is detailed and complex. Sarah Jane's is outdated but detailed as well but more or less like a history lesson.

Bird's is also there. Dauntingly complex compared to everyone else.

Locations are also listed.

An insane number of names are listed here both male and female.

Trying to understand the factors of the plan is the point of this. I use it a lot just wondering about it. I just try to understand the connections. Try to figure out where it begins. Where it ends. Where things are pointed. The purposes of things.

I pull out a red marker. I start circling names and places. It's almost everything. I pull red line from each to a centralised location. I keep drawing.

I draw a large circle. Larger than any other. Almost as big as myself.

And I write GOD in it.

Below I write. "Save me." and "I serve thee."

Grief hangs in the air quietly. Silently.

I remember Sarah saying "I love the rain!" a comment that was generally met with approval.

I've always liked the rain since I was a kid. Home alone just watching it roll off my roof on a cool morning before school.

But now it hangs in te air. If only Sarah hadn't said it so much I might not have heard it roll off.

I pause the cd player.

Pretend to pour over my novel. I guess everyone thinks thats my way of managing grief. As I'm about to find out it really is in 1 month from then...

They talk about the rain. About how it had affected the humidity. 3 days straight of rain. Affected resistances. Affected the temp.

Then they talk about how they tried to fix things. Picking new chems. Even when they knew the risk.

It was all about giving her a moment of relief.

But it turned out this way.

As one of the decision makers finishes a brief summary of everything it seems everyone had stopped all they were doing.

There was no typing.

No sudden movements.

No tapping.

No page flipping from me.

Just the gentle chopping of the fan, the whrring of my cd player keeping the cd in perpetual motion.

A laugh from a kid from the other side breaks the silence.

But it hangs in the air.

Did we kill her? No one answers. Because we can't. But then again we did our best to soothe the pain.

It's easy to praise God when you're high flying and having everything going for you.

But it's a real test of faith if you can still praise Him when you're down and kicked in the guts.

I do my best to remember that. And most of the time I can.

But the troubles are just so difficult!

The wisdom in the plan is endless. But it's so easy to forget sometimes.

I'm being tested maybe?

A guy I don't know even says I'm so different from when I last saw him. Have I fallen from grace again? Or have I just changed my stance?

But I won't give in. I will re-focus my goals. I will re-tune my songs and instruments. I will buckle down and fight till my nuckles have no flesh from my efforts.

I will be tested. And it's time to prove my mettle. Prove that I can fulfill what is expected of me.

-------------------------

Sorry Sarah if I've been a bit cranky lately. Sorry if I've been a bit spiky. I'll try to lock back onto course. Your friend should be alright soon.

I need time to myself to think. To re-sight. Recuperate from my work. Rearm the precious gifts.

I'm going back into isolation for awhile.

'I have found David son of Jesse a man after my own heart."

I remember it well.

I have no idea why.

The same way I have no idea my brain pans through a thousand facts during a conversation but can't seem to remember even my own birthday sometimes.

It's dark in the sky. And we're walking towards the yellow and red lights.

He knows I'm hurtning like mad. But I'm laughing and it doesn't even sound bitter.

He's never ever going to be able to tell what goes on in me at this rate.

"I think I'm beyond the asking God 'Why?' at the moment."

"When I was a younger I used to blame God."

"No I don't mean that I'm blaming God. I'm asking God why do I have to go through this. I'm asking what is the purpose of putting me through this. What is the real point letting me suffer."

"It's alright to question God. Even David questioned God."

"I'm just really asking how does it fit into the next part of the plan. Somehow when I think about it there's been a reason for every thing I've been through so far in my life. But then again asking right now I get no answer. Maybe not telling me it's the way to get the effect intended. Then again it's up to Him to tell and me to wonder."

What is it in the PLAN!? I WANT TO KNOW! WHY DOES IT HAVE TO INVOLVE SUFFERING!?

The end justifies the means? I don't agree with that. Surely our God can't be so cruel to put me through this before I've even reached adulthood.

I wanted to shout into the skies "Is this fair?" "F*** the effort" "Must it always be done this way?"

And then he stayed suddenly.

I wanted him to leave.

I just wanted to not move.

Stare at the grain of the table.

Hear the crickets chirp their monotonous song.

Close my eyes and just float around on the noise.

As we talked I washed my hands with tea.

My nail just goes in tight circles around the centre of the table.

I don't want to think about it.

But as long as I'm sitting at this table I'm forced to consider things.

Soon he leaves. And it's just the 2 of us.

He says he wants to call someone. So I tell him to use my phone, it's postpaid.

He dials.

The person doesn't pick.

He uses his phone.

The person picks.

I move my chair over.

And all is silent apart from her saying hello and the chirping of a sea of crickets.

I find myself back in square one.

I'm back to hearing her voice again. Even if it's distanced.

"Kington says Hi too." he relays to her.

And I shift my chair away.

I wish I could re-enter my corruption status. The thing I left behind to help Sarah, the thing I left behind to help Peggy, the thing I left behind to help those who needed it most.

I feel it rising to the surface. I want to just grab it and fully utilise it right off.

I look at this guy across the table. I think of the guy who just left. I think of the people who I sacrificed and buried this stuff for.

They'll never even see or understand how I got it.

It would be so easy to just burn it all again and go back to scratch. Anything just to avoid the bleeding.

And then I realise we're both bleeding.

"It's a service to God." and I swallow it. I let the pain tear at me. If I take it on, I won't be able to feel the pain but I'd lose a lot of things.

I remember her voice. Shouting my name when she saw me the first time in months.

I wronged her. And it's unforgiveable. It's been so long. She won't even talk to me proper. Is she afraid I'd bare my fangs again? Ever since her and Lay Shu I tore it all out. Even if it was ragged. How it had to bleed. How it had to destroy a lot of what I was. I couldn't let it loose again.

"Sleep well." the conversation ends.

It can't be fair. I don't see how it's fair. The trade isn't fair. It's just not right.

But you don't always get a fair deal everytime. And surely there's something more.

I can't give up yet. I've still got things to do. Even if I bleed like a spigot this time.

Freshly inspired. From old events mixed with current events and new events. Stuff I see and stuff I guess. No explanation required and none given anyway. And thanks Henry for the support.
--------------------------

'Alright then, that's that. You'll be alright from here. If there's anything just call alright?' He says dusting his hands.

'Thanks for the help kay? I would never have gotten anything done without you.' She reciprocates. 'I'll make it up to you when I can.'

'Don't mention it. And don't bother lah it was a fun piece of work for me too.' He says while donning a golden mask which has no expression. A pneumatic hiss sounds when he locks it on completely.

'Hey...' she waves a hand at waist level to catch it in his vision.

'Yeah?' he does up his collar and dons his gloves as words green flicker across his vision in a HUD fashion.

Freedom
Acute sensory
Control device
External connection

FACE ONLINE

Body armor pressure leak. Inspect at camp.

GEARS running at 80% capacity.

Vital signs are stable. Bleeding detected. Check upon return to camp.

Battery 19 hours remaining.

The rest of the readout is just a report of his missing hardware and used up supplies. He already knows anyway how much he's spent and replaces the spent items from a case resting on the white linen sheets of this fancy room.

'How are things with you and her?'

He pauses for less than a second and pulls out a knife from the case with excessive fervor. Barely noticeable the hopes. And loads it into his jacket. But yet he doesn't turn around and keeps loading. As if to hide any emotion that may show on his face. But the mask is on anyway.

'I guess it's not good?'

'I'm just a friend.' comes his reply.

'You know...There are other women who can't stop thinking about you...You're just such a great guy. She doesn't know what she's missing out on.'

'There's nothing between us.'

'You're just always so kind and helpful not to mention you're fairly good looking inheriting that long line of genetics. Smart, resourceful and such a gentleman.'

She nods in the direction of the cases laid out on his bed.

'Hahaha I just enjoy doing it you know?'

'And you're humble too.'

Damn her. Why does she have to know? Why does she have to ask?...

'I've seen you doing stuff for her. Constantly improving and yanking more out of yourself to lay on the table. She's already received such rare stuff from you. All the kindness you don't share.'

'She's just a good friend. You could call her a best friend if you will.'

'C'mon don't try to lie. I'm just like you, a living, breathing lie detector. But then again everything is about as obvious as the Sun in the sky on a clear day.'

'I'm not lying. I just told you we're friends.' He pulls out his guns and dunks the cartridges in another case. He replaces the discarded cartridges with new ones from the new case.

'Condition report.' he whispers it out. And he reads the conditions of his guns from the mask HUD again.

'I've seen the way you look at her. With such a longing look at her in your eyes. You're also always so happy with her.'

He touches the mask with his right hand adjusting it slightly.

'Don't you hear me? I'll make this blunt. And straight forward because I can't keep you here all night.' She folds her arms across her chest.

'You're wasting your ****ing time. If she's not interested you should just pursue other avenues. There's so many choices. So many of them waiting for you to just accept their dinner invitations.'

He turns to gaze at her. But it's impossible to tell his expression. Because he's got the mask on. But then again his body language voices a reply with a shrug.

She walks nearer to him.

'Don't you see?'

And she's a few feet away now. She stops.

'I can tell you she's not interested. And she's also hinting otherwise. You've just got no hope.'

'I didn't ask for an opinion Dr Freud. So stop giving me a psychoanalytical examination of her personality and her choices.' He closes a case. And clamps it shut with 2 soft clinical clicks.

'Please I don't want to see you hurt yourself anymore...I just want to see you happy again...I know your heart is bleeding most of all...Just let go. Please and look around you...' her voice is almost pleading.

He gathers his cases and bags in silence.

'You're just under appreciated. Please just try someone else for a change...You never know who's waiting for you out there...Or they may be right by your side waiting for you to give them a chance.' He raises a hand. But she ignores it.

'Please...Just don't be so stupid to waste it all...Please...She's not worth it. She's a bitch for reeling you in like a fish.' She reaches out and touches his arm with her fingertips...

He whips around and grabs her by the throat and lifts her cleanly off the ground and brings her to the wall in a choke grab and slams her against the wall. With her feet dangling above the ground. He flexes his shoulders and he gains a bit of height as she is lifted further off the ground.

His right hand is brought up between her face and his as he leans in. A curved knife extends from the back of his hand from under the sleeve in a slow deliberate fashion as he brings it closer to her face. He's so near to her all she can see his mask and a little bit of the room out of the corners of her eyes. It makes the room a lot darker than it already is. He's not shaking with rage. He doesn't seem to have lost control. But she knows inside he's boiling with emotion, it just doesn't show. And she knows it means he's nearly complete. Based on what she knows...

She looks at the mask. It's got red cracks all over it now. The red cracks seem like solid lines. Neon red against the pale gold of the mask. In the darkness it glows brightly. But the mask was plain earlier...

'LET BE!' He shouts.

'If I choose her LET BE! It is my choice to make foolish or not! Even if I am a tactical expert if I screw up it's my choice to screw up if I want to or not!'

She grabs his left hand raising herself off it to avoid choking. She's strong but not strong enough to get out of his grip. If she decides to attack him...She figures she'd just be dead before he even gets a scratch.

'If I love her, let me be! It's her choice to make on which guy she wants to choose! I don't ask God why didn't she choose me! I ask God what does heartbreak hold for me that He'd let me experience it! I'm ready to accept it! All for her happiness! Even if the guy she loves doesn't love her back...I'd be there to mop up her tears and wish her well...I'd just hang around hoping that someday she'll notice me...or till I move on...But I love her with every bit of me and I don't think I'll ever let go...'

He loses a bit of height as the energy shifts and she manages to tiptoe.

'I just want to be by her side than not be with her at all.'

The edge of his mask around the chin is dripping.

He looks at her without fury and notices for the first time in previous moments since he started shouting, she's crying and her face is crestfallen.

He lowers her to the ground. And she slumps to the floor and just cries pulling her knees to her chest. She rests her forehead on her knees to hide her face. Her long hair forming a side curtain.

Her gentle sobs are the only things to be heard in the room. It begins to rain outside.

He takes quick steps with pronounced agility across the room to grab a tissue box and hands it to her.

She just nods and grabs a few to wipe her face without looking up.

He sits on the floor to her left right beside her. The blade on his right hand is fully retracted.

'Your mask is busted.' She says smiling at him weakly with red eyes. With those familiar eyes which seemed to be able to laugh on their own. Today it seems like they're laughing a bitter laugh. 'Your chin is leaking.'

'I'm sorry...I shouldn't have gotten mad at you. You mean a lot to me and I shouldn't have lashed out at you. You were speaking the truth after all.'

She rests her head against the wall, closes her eyes and a tear flows out. She dabs it. 'If my men could see me now they'd lose all respect for me. Hahahaha.'

'It's alright. They won't hear of it.' He speaks softly now in a coaxing tone.

'Thank you again.' and she dozes off from the lack of oxygen due to him choking her. Her head slowly tilts and rests itself on his right shoulder.

He pushes her head up gently and carries her to his bed. And tucks her in.

He decides on a spot directly across from a window.

His chin begins to drip again.

2 claps and the lights in the room go off.

He yanks off the mask. There is no malfunction. He throws the mask onto the carpeted floor.

He massages his eyes and gives his face a quick wipe to take off anything there might have been. He takes a deep breath.

He doesn't move from his spot and does nothing but wait for the Sun to rise.

The words "Some people just don't know what they've got." drifts across her mind lightly as she sleeps.
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Whew wow. Finally I write something I'm pleased with. Past few storys I've told I just sorta dissapointed myself. However I'm satisfied with this. Although I'm rather sleepy now and some editing needs to be made. Lazy lah. Dahm tired di. Although I'm rather dissapointed with how I fit the title in. Get the story? If you don't never mind lah. I'm still learning. Reading awakened mage at the moment see if you can spot the influence. Apart from the very apparent one. Still haven't reached the 200th page sadly.

Found an album of ambient music used for movies. Having a great time! Don't think I'm going thailand. Yay!