Woke up at 6:30 thereabouts this morning.

Stayed in bed for a short while because all my gear and stuff was all laid out the night before already.

Then I got up and ate breakfast. I laid my usual slice of ham on a slice of wholemeal bread.(Personally I dislike it quite a lot but bread is bread) Folded the slice. Went over to my sofa couch. Brought my knees up to my chest and hugged them while leaning against the couch back for support.

I closed my eyes. And took a bite. BOY OH BOY DID THAT HURT! IF I WASN'T SURE IF I WAS AWAKE THEN I'M SURELY AWAKE NOW! I chewed, swallowed and opened my eyes. Then I decided to just keep them shut until my breakfast was done.

Cleaned up the usual morning business got into my car drove over to Sarah's and off we were to college.

I fell asleep in the library shortly after talking to Adeline. I found out she's from Setiawan! Same class as Edwin last time also! FUYOH IT'S A SMALL TAYLORS!

Woke up at 10 mopped up 2 papers. Then started to camp outside the staff room looking for Ms. Indra. Sigh didn't manage to find her. Felt like a stalker too...

So I found myself in a aviary. I mean Bird's house. I asked him what does the new Naix Ultimate do. Then we ended up playing 3 games back to back picking Naix. Fuyoh boring leh when the Bird isn't owning.

Then he taught me some stats/probabilities. As he did another paper on his own. I fell asleep.

Nice Bird didn't wake up his usual teamate and just let him sleep on the floor cause too tired. All his fault la keep me up till 2am! I think he gave me a pillow too. But I don't move when I sleep and I don't use pillows also.

Mom called me woke me up and told me to go home and send my Grandmother over to my uncle's.

Came home had a bath and dinner.

Wah Sai. Zzzzz worried about maths tomorrow. Not sure how I'm going to do.

And too tired and lazy to reply all those friendster comments for now. Sorry =P
----------------------

Tired lazy think about something to talk about. However...Next post I'll most probably talk about Kenny Sia's Hugo XY thingy with all the uhh girl guy whatever dating tips.

----------------------

LOLOLOL I was wondering when Eswhy was gonna ask for transport tomorrow XD

She just did lol!

"Kington do you happen to know anyone who lives near me and drives to school?"

"yeah! Kevin!"

XD LOL!

I'm not sure if I've posted using this title before but I just felt like it's a befitting title.
------------------------

The words,

She's been there for all the others but not for yours.

It tears at me it tries to rend me. It tries to gib like a cannon shell. But it can no longer do anymore harm. The armor is up.

So what? If that stands true. It stands more than true. I'm isolated from every action taken. None of them taken ever affects me. And it sucks that it's that way though.

But my friend is right. She's still a kid. I should really reconsider what I'm doing. Do I want to be known as the guy who caused that? It's time I be carefull about what I'm doing. Time to take my work seriously.

But seriously it just plain sucks. Aiseh.
-------------------------

Sorry for the sudden flood of posts again. No internet connection down there really la. And when I go around I'm cooking ideas for posts. If the posts are a huge step down in quality(I get the feeling so) I apologise. IF they're a step up...I don't know how.

Oh yeah about the funny story yeahh...I did get cracking. But I lost my sense of humour recently. So I need some proof reading. (Lai lai Ms. Lai I need your sense of humour) It's about half done. But it's pretty easy to get it done because I've been thinking about it for awhile. Sad thing is I never thought about the jokes though.

Eh I'm not asking for a submission of jokes btw.

See who said I don't respond to criticism. People only read my blog for 2 reasons stories or jokes. Or unless you're like Sarah and Yiyun who read out of sheer habit.*wink*

----------------

Eh whats with you guys and my aiseh la dei? Everyone has something to say about it. Why la? So strange meh? Like never hear before. Aiseh jakun.

I woke up last last Sunday to 2 clicks of my phone. 2 messages received.

"Daniel Hon"
"Sarah Tan"

The Bird's sms read just "10:30".

Sarah's was about well wishes. Until now I don't know why but I'm gonna leave it to be part of the mysteries of the universe.

But I was pretty sure it was a sign. The night before I was feeling like a complete piece of crap. And I decided. I needed God's word more than ever. And I was going to hop my way outa my house just to get some too.

I was deciding if I should collect on Jorrel's offer and go Grace Assembly or Charis KL(deceptively in Taman Mayang Jaya lol)

I decided on Charis. Reason is kinda personal. No I'm not secretly in love with Daniel Hon la! Got reasons la Hmph. Probably never going to go Grace because of it too.

But aiseh...I went Charis...Where everything was normally mandarin with translation...And that day of all days there was none.

But it was an evangelistic session where we were taught this program which gets great results. They switched to Cantonese for their "guest"(I'm still a guest because I don't regularly attend)(yet) However Cantonese...for me...you can't speak it THAT fast. I tend to lose things as the speed increases and I rely on translating body language. Guy was behind a podium. Bird had to teach Sunday School so he couldn't help me out. So I lost a few things. But more or less it's in the booklet.

After awhile he asked us to practice our delivery of testimony...Aiseh. The testimony of how we found Christ. I really really felt like squirming in my seat. Then Uncle Hon told Sister Hon to help me out because of her dominant English.

Aiseh lagi squirm la! This is the girl than Bird called fierce like mad! Then we just shared our testimony. When I heard hers first...It was about how she discovered God's love. Then she asked me share. Aiseh. Mine was really disjointed and I never did say what happened really. So she was befuddled. But good old Sister Hon(Anna) decided not to press on and ask about the missing bit.

Today I've got this CD from Campus City. It says "Knowing your calling(1)"

I don't need to listen to it to roughly guess what it's going to teach. But I already know my calling...To finally get over my past. An use my testimony. Because our personal testimonies are the best testimonies to deliver, and I realise that only with my testimony can I show that God is the God of second chances. So if I we're to preach or to evangelise I know my target audience.

I still struggle with it though. But somehow or other the following week was full of messages which were about getting over the past. And you can't run from your past. So it's about time I got over it. And finally take full advantage of it. Everything happens for a reason after all. And I'll never let it cripple me anymore.

Who said going to Charis on a day without translation was a mistake? There are no mistakes. Just appointed coincidences XD

We rushed south on an emergency call.

We travelled with my cousins and Wai Lum drove.

I slept a horrid sleep. In the three hour journey I slept and woke up repeatedly. Each time I woke up I forced myself back to sleep.
-------------------

We arrived and the condition was dire. But we couldn't do much apart from give our support.

Praise the Lord for getting such a dedicated doctor. Remember ladies and gents entering the medical profession. It's not about the money. It's not about the certs. It's not about being renowned. It's about the patients and saving lives.

I've never ever seen a doctor so dedicated. When this doctor looked at our Matriarch, he had a look of pure concern. He even took her blood pressure 3 times.

I hope you guys become a doctor of that caliber in the future.
--------------------

With the stabilised condition. We came back smiling.
--------------------------------------

I drove back today so sorry ladies and gents with the extremely boring and jokeless Kington today. Tired la. I even bored Sarah to sleep. And oh there goes Pui Yean too. (attempt at a joke)

Aiseh. Nearly fell asleep at the wheel too even with all the fun I was having with the cruise control. NACROLAPSY WOOT!

The only thing that kept me going was the sudden pump of excitement everytime I overtook another car while speeding slightly. 130km/h max only lerh.

Sigh boring ler. I just kept thinking of the warm bath awaiting me in my home.

I finished and finally went for Acts Evening Service even if we were late. Black nicely enough sponsored me a cd too! Thanks guys!

I don't know why I'm even posting this. Not funny and tak berkuality. I guess it's just an update for my sister to read la I guess. Everyone else can just skip it la. Oh wait I mention this at the end of the post. Whoops sorry =P

The trees rustle around us. The sun is slowly rising. It's pretty windy. I think it might rain.

"So this is how it is eh?"
"Yeah I guess so man."
"So we're both splitting up for real and going to opposite sides of this big blue-ish green ball."

My headphones for my cd player are pumping music out on maximum volume on the ground behind us. Powerful but still small in size they seem like small mini speakers.

this time we're not giving up
let's make it last forever
screaming "hallelujah"
we'll make it last forever

Beneath us we see people walking. Right below the ledge. Across the road we see an old auntie coming out of her house to throw rubbish or sweep the front yard. We're not paying attention either of us anyway.

"Sigh when it ends you'll be gone. All the SAM people are gone anyway."
"Don't be like that man there's always the phone, msn, skype, e-mail and if you want you can write too."
"Your handwriting sucks wei! Can't read it for nuts!"
"Eh better than yours right?"

The trees rustle nearby and we're blown by the sudden gale. I sweep my hair back out of my face.

I get up and peer over the edge. Staring at the empty space between us and the ground.

"Careful don't fall off. Can die you know?"
"Nahhh I won't die like this la."
"Oh so you still see it. Hmm it's a pretty morbid thing you know."
"It's pretty ok once you get used to it la. More like pretty informative when you know whats coming."
"Still don't get the significance of it though. Why let you see it?"
"Who knows?"

We sat there in the silence keeping our thoughts to ourselves. The sun is in the sky causing the clouds to look like they have golden embroidery. The wind never ceasing is cools on our skin even in the humidity.

"So whats next really for you?"
"Me? I don't know. Once I finish I might go anywhere really. But I doubt you'll see me in the land of bitterly cold and constant rain."
"Aye. Guess not. Sigh bitterly cold and constant rain."
"You need some thermal insulator...[prod]....Here."
"Eh keep your fingers to yourself. If you say I need an insulator...YOU NEED A HEAT SINK!"
"Ouch thats just below the belt la!"

More people are awake now. We can see more people leaving their houses. Getting into their cars and driving off.

"So what will you do in Taylors with SAM closing and all?"
"Sigh I don't know really. They're gone. And there goes that thingy too."
"Hmmm....[pat pat]Things won't end so fast there's still ways you know. With SAM closing you don't necessarily have to feel sad."
"Why?"
"Holiday is coming then you'll still get to see me anyway right?"
"Seeing you. I gotta be pretty drunk to think it's a bonus."

We both smile jokingly before exploding into laughter.

"Ugly freak."
"Get a mirror dude!"

The streets are jammed now.

"So have you found them yet?"
"We'll I've located one of them. I'll go looking when I'm on holiday. After AS."
"Hmmm...Come back alive."
"Haha won't kill me la. So you're going back there right?"
"Yeah been awhile since I've seen the guy."
"Oooohhhh yeah I forgot you don't go there as often as me."
"Yeap. By the way do you want me to take those back for you?"

He points at my hands.

"With SAM closing and all you'll have no need for them."
"Nah I think I'll keep them for awhile longer. There's still things I can do with them after all. 'The world doesn't end today with our deaths. We live on with our teachings passed down infinitely by our heirs and our students.' Or so it goes."
"Oh you've still got that too."
"I've got exams la of course I'm using it. Not like you so slacker."
"At least I'm enjoying myself."
"Aiseh bad la you. Never mind. Never mind. Say what you want."

Slowly building a tolerance to all the drugs they feed us
That slowly dissolves our spine and steals the strength that we hide.
But you are something…
You are something…
You are something…worth fighting for.
Where to all the heroes land?
They’ve been replaced by hollow men.
Who always turn the other cheek.
And consequence: courage…we defeat.

"So you're gonna keep fighting for it right?"
"Yeah I'll keep fighting for my right. I'll see if I can make it in the end. Even if history stands against me. I'll have the odds with me. But it's all really up to God you know?"
"You're so pious these days. I like you better as the raving immature maniac you once were."
"Things change la can't expect me to be a leopard right? I'm the Mr Mercury."
"He was gay you know?"
"I meant the metal la!"

The CD whirs to a stop.

"You picked a really nice time for this chat."
"Oh you noticed why."
"You saw the rain and the wind but you knew there was going to be sun right?"
"Maybe..."
"You still speak in riddles. Guess you're still a maniac at least. 'With this it is the end of a beginning, but yet what awaits us is yet another beginning of a new end.' Sunrise. End of the night. Beginning of the day."
"Yeap thats right."
"Smart."

The school bell rings.

"Looks like it's time to get to class. Run along kiddies. And it's time for you to go too."
"You sure about this really? Will you be ok sending me back? Without me and all?"
"Even if I won't. I have to really."
"It's up to you but I wish you all the best...And God bless you."
"Now you're turning pious."

We shake hands.

"Don't so homophobic la! Gimme a hug!"

We hug. And we stare at each other. We've both known each other for ages. He's been there for years. Longer than ever. I've watched him mature. He's watched me grow up but he says I've never matured anyway. Bad la he.

"It's about time to go."
"Yeah. 1 more piece of advice. You may not be that old physically. But for the sake of everyone use your experience la! Not many people get to where you are! Stop acting like a kid!"
"Eleh. A piece of advice for you then. Stop acting so old! Little bit also talk like old man already."

The sun is high now the residential jams are about nearly cleared up.

"See you man."
"See you King."
"Don't forget to msn or smth la. No writing k. BEH TAHAN!"
"OK LA. AS IF YOURS SO NICE LIKE THAT!"

-------------

Ok so I broke my promise. This still isn't the story I'm supposed to be editing for days on end yet.

Just a random pic.

Rude awakening of sorts today.......

But first a short story. Of how DJ guys can't hug for nuts. From Ee Lynn to Sha-Lene who say we hug like a tree. Branches in the face?

She steps forward.

I take a step backwards.

She brings her arms out in a hug shape.

"Dahm bad la you Kington!"

I'm befuddled. Discombobulated. What she doing?

Mentally: Should I draw my knives? Should I take another step back? Should I just use my hands? Are my hands lethal enough?

Aiseh. She wanted hug leh.

I was too numb with shock. Ok la maybe not shock more like surprise so I just didn't react. She put her arms around me and gave me a hug against the shoulders and her friend just watched my bewildered expression.

Like a tree being hugged.

Sorry eh! Don't get many hugs lol.

And that was it. She's having her last day of college tomorrow. Don't worry la you'll still see me la same state. And after exams we'll go hang out or something.
------------------------
RUDE AWAKENING NO.1

"ARFF ARFFF ARRFFFF ARFFF!!!!!"

AISEH DOG BARKING! STOP BARKING LA! HE HAS TO GO TO WORK LA ANYWAY! SO SHOCKING MERH? EVERY MORNING HE GOTTA GO TO WORK LA STOP BARKING LA SILLY ANIMAL!

When my parents talk to me. They NEVER EVER close my room door when they leave. Which can get pretty darn annoying.

However it's no big deal la getting up to close the door myself. But when it's in the morning you're lazy to get out of bed...and the dog starts barking...DIE LA!

And I don't sleep with any pillows. So no insulator. Aiseh.
----------------------------------

"Why do you think your parents put you here in college? Why do you think God put you here in college?"

AISEH! PAI SEH TOO!

HE'S SO RIGHT! Why am I getting distracted now!? I should be focused on my exams!

And I'm here for other things! Benji was right too! Eh thanks bro!

Why did I falter? Why did I drift from my goal? How could I forget what is asked of me?

Other things are secondary. If it comes it comes as Benji said. It's by His plans they come. Not by my own.

And I can't turn my back on my family. I can't forget what is needed.

I came home remembering that I serve the Lord.

And when I came home my dad whispered something in my ear so Wei Yew wouldn't hear it.

And I remembered my family needs me too.

And remembering why I went to college today. I reset myself.

Single-mindedly chasing my ideals. The reason I put myself through that. The reason I actually made it through anyway.

If I screw up now. Or I lose my focus. Wouldn't I dissapoint the one person I should be striving to please above all?
-----------------------

"Heyyy.....Studying?"
"I'm uhhh ummm...."
"Are you reading the dictionary??"
"uhhhh.."
[flips the cover]
"OH! Sorry..."[shies away to a corner]

Eh not all books that have a lot of numbers and words in them and small print are dictionaries.

Emo meh? G4 complained. I mean like....Uhhh you don't exactly get this bunch of people complaining about you having an emo blog.

Oh btw, I don't quite like the word emo. Calling MCR a emo band is ok. But if you wanna say anything about my blog call it happy! But if you can't lie the call it depressing la.

Aiyoh. Seriously leh. Some posts I admit are creepy but I gotta say leh I find them funny worh.

I mean like I'm not an "emo" person. You see me so happy go lucky also! Oh uhhh Tuesday arh...I was having premonitions...Had me worried to bits but I didn't know what was the problem.

Oh the problem you ask? I thought my physics paper was on Thursday. Not Wednesday. So yeah thats what the premonition was for. WHOOPSIE! Suh Ming just shook her head when I told her today.

If you want me to keep posting jokes takkan I dump all my conversations with Pui Yean here right? Then we tiada privacy already la.

Okla Okla I'll talk about something else. I'll go edit the next story. Since that seems to be the only reason you guys visit my blog. The premise of it is beautiful. And I hope the jokes are witty. Might need a few days of stewing. I promise it's going to be good. And if it isn't you can shoot me next crow hunting season and call it an "accident".

--------------------------

The other DEI.

-_- yala I know I do stupid things sometimes. I know I'm a wierdo also.

But eh I'm not THAT dumb ok. I just never say anything.

Recently la got some fellas act like my trials results are a super fluke or something like that. Sigh. Eh don't like that la I got work also ok?

True la I say I don't work. But you see right last time I memang don't work 1 so when people ask...Like habit to say I don't already.

But when I see the SAM people studying...I guess what I do can't be called work anyway.(yes I do think you guys are working very hard *pat pat*)

Ok la so now you're gonna argue for all the little bit of work I do it's unfair that I do ok. Some think I should deserve crap. *cough* Ms Chian *cough*

Eh I underwent a lot of memory training ok? Fuyoh dahm stressful la those. Worth it though. ^^

Zzzz then people also have a niggling issue with my ability to think calling my thinking skills marks a freaking pied piper of Hamelin fluke.(oh wait that's a flute right) Not really also leh. I qualified for PTS with Sara Tan all those years ago. But I couldn't concentrate(or maybe I lacked the quality) enough to finish it.

I ended up guessing about 40 questions. GG la 60 question dahm siong for a kid I don't know how you geniuses like Sarah, Pui Yean, Edwina and the like could tahan.

But my processing speed clocks in at 124 Intelligence Quotation points.
----------------------------
Sorry needed to reassure myself since yesterday's thinking skills paper fried my brain like kuey teow in a wok with tauge, lap cheong, see ham, egg, and...I need my weekly char kuey teow. I need to tell myself I'm not stupid sniff. But then again I think we're all doing that after thinking skills owned us yesterday.
----------------------------
Geee Geee I hate you thinking skills! And I'll NEVER do your homework! Eh probably why I suffered so much. But oh wait we all died together right? Yat Sang Yat Sai.

Next post in a few days. Tough la trying to get the story right. Probably gonna adjust lengths also.

Oh btw you guys do realise that when I have enough stories...I'm gonna try my luck with a publisher? I know among us there's 2 others trying to write a whole novel. But I'm happy writing/typing stories. But I may or may not write a full length long long story. If I feel that I finally have a proper story in place.

1 more thing.....Daniel Hon and Kein Yew survived a BLOODY keng accident. Lets everyone thank your respective worship figures. If not.....

STAR HEADLINE:

A turtle and a bird were involved in a fatal accident just outside Shell in SS2. Onlookers say the accident "was nothing like ever seen before".

"My son said he was going out to buy Uncle Bob chicken with Kein Yew! I never thought it would turn out this way!" Sobbed the father when asked to comment.

Smth like that la. Not their fault btw. So Bird gets to keep his license. But his Matrix is wrecked though.

The smoky salmon says:
janussssssss
The smoky salmon says:
cheeppppsssss
The smoky salmon says:
say something to encourage me!
Cheeps.Janus995 |Wasted my cash.| says:
well wats the focal point?
The smoky salmon says:
uhmmm uhmmm
The smoky salmon says:
to focus on studies
The smoky salmon says:
and forget everything else
Cheeps.Janus995 |Wasted my cash.| says:
if you dont focus on studies, then u r blowing up your true potential to the examiners
Cheeps.Janus995 |Wasted my cash.| says:
self defeating
The smoky salmon says:
YES
The smoky salmon says:
yea hor gotta own tomorrow
Cheeps.Janus995 |Wasted my cash.| says:
right...because u rock in physics that is why u must focus so that your true potential is shown
The smoky salmon says:
keong own harder
Cheeps.Janus995 |Wasted my cash.| says:
hey hey
The smoky salmon says:
i don't own very much but lets do our best man!
Cheeps.Janus995 |Wasted my cash.| says:
be exclusive to urself
The smoky salmon says:
lets slap that paper 1
Cheeps.Janus995 |Wasted my cash.| says:
u want to show that your potential is massive, not your potential is better than others etc
Cheeps.Janus995 |Wasted my cash.| says:
all this test is exclusive to ourselves
Cheeps.Janus995 |Wasted my cash.| says:
to show that we have inner quality
Cheeps.Janus995 |Wasted my cash.| says:
to show that we are capable
Cheeps.Janus995 |Wasted my cash.| says:
to show we have worked
Cheeps.Janus995 |Wasted my cash.| says:
it has nothing to do with others

--------------------------------

Oh btw side note for everyone having difficulty with remembering order of waves

G X U P I M R

Gamma X-ray Ultraviolet Photo radiation Infared Microwave Radiowave

to remember the above acronym

GXU PEED IN MY ROOM

Been using it since F5.

All the best everybody!
--------------------------------

So this is how it goes
Well I, I would have never known
And if it ends today
I'll still say that you shine brighter than anyone

Now I think we're taking this too far
Don't you know that it's not this hard?
Well it's not this hard
But if you take what's your's and I take mine
Must we go there?
Please not this time. No, not this time.

Well this is not your fault
But if I'm without you
Then I will feel so small
And if you have to go
Always know that you shine brighter than anyone does.

Now I think we're taking this too far
Don't you know that it's not this hard?
Well it's not this hard
But if you take what's your's and I take mine
Must we go there?
Please not this time. No, not this time.

If you run away now,
Will you come back around?
And if you ran away,
I'd still wave goodbye
Watching you shine bright.

Now I think we're taking this too far
Don't you know that it's not this hard?
Well it's not this hard
But if you take what's your's and I take mine
Must we go there?
Please not this time. No, not this time.

I'll wave goodbye
Watching you shine bright
(You shine bright, you shine bright)
I'll wave goodbye tonight.

Yeah it isn't that hard! It's not the end! And I'll fight until there's nothing left of me!

Sigh oh the glass mask. The so called glass mask. The mask which actors use. The mask hides their emotions. But if their concentration is shattered so the mask is shattered too.

And so the request comes.

Believing in my glass mask. More work is required of me.

Someone wants me to open her book and write in it. Tempting as it is. I've given it up. I no longer want to hold sure the pen until I need to ever again. Or until God calls to me to hold it up again.

She thinks she can get me to agree just by tempting me to begin with. Sigh. That's why I said some people assume they know me too well.

Falling in love with the glass mask. I can tell what she wants before she's even said it. She thinks the heart is the mask. She doesn't know. But she thinks she can get what she wants because of her charm.

It's hard to tempt me ever since that day. The eyes don't work. And they don't see no charms.

All the best to you to make your case convincing.

I normally avoid dreaming. If it's a good dream it makes me covet what I cannot have.

If it's a bad dream. I only see bad things. I've also seen people get attacked when I'm supposed to protect them. And some a far lot worse...But then again dreaming is important if not I wouldn't be able to do my memory training.

But sometimes they provide great inspiration for stories.
--------------------------------

5....4.....3....2....1...

TRANSLATOR FRACTURE. CAUSE: OVERUSE

Hardly surprising

Her eyes are red and watery. I can see her face. Thats not right. In dreams I can't see faces. The world around us is empty. Purple.

I reach out to her to touch her. She turns away. I pull her back to me calling her name. She turns around and sobs into my arm. Her hot tears roll down my arm.

Whats wrong?

She tells me. I try to comfort her. And I've never felt so useless.

I hate to see her so sad. I've never seen her cry so much...

I'm still there reassuring her. But the people are coming back in.

The room takes on colours. The floor is tiled purple like some kind of strange game. The windows are high and huge there's a large table with a whitish blue table cloth.

Tension racks me. I can feel it building I begin to feel my own heartbeat.

She pulls away from me with everybody approaching asking her why.

Then I remember. To the world. I am the gray and she is the white. To the world it seems so wrong when I'm with her.

She shares with them. But they already knew. I'm the last to know. Being like a satellite to her life. I'm always turning up randomly. But I'm just not really a big part of her life.

Her dad talks to me with an interrogating expression. I don't hear what he says. I see the lips move. But I can feel his emotions trying to burst out and maul me for every bit of information that can be gleamed from me. Trying to see if I'm worthy of his daughter. A strong shade of gray going after the white. Her mother just doesn't care what happens.

She vanishes as I'm busy with her dad. And I know it's off with another guy. I don't know who it is. I shuffle around the huge place.

I feel my heart falling. I ask around if anyone knows where she went. Feeling like a lost pup looking for it's master. They tell me she went off with another guy some time ago.

I'm greatly saddened.

The dream bleeds to day. And I wake up gently with my hands and feet freezing to my dad watching me sleep as I absent mindedly pull my blanket over myself in my sleep. I tell him it's ok I just wanna cover my face cause it's cold. I pull up my blanket and he just yanks it from me and covers me in it. I pull it up to my mouth and I pull it taut around my mouth.

He smiles and walks out as I doze off again.

I don't dream but I think.

When I awake I stare at the sky. With it's white rolling clouds and a foreground of swaying palms in my back yard.

And I realise the dream isn't too far from how reality is.

Do tears roll down my face due to just waking up or is it due to emotions. It's only 2 but it's enough to make me ask myself.

I check my heartbeat. And it's just the morning I smile to myself. Reality is far from the dream.

Everything is different. And I take a deep breath. And I wake up to face the world. And I remember things are a lot worse in my dreams than it is in the world.

I've got God in the world.

--------------------------

Conversation between me and a long lost friend. Balance out the "emo" above. I think it's emotive la really not emo ish.

Me: So got girlfriend? got boyfriend? got husband? got wife? Oh wait thats not legal even in Australia
*****: lol
Me: So hows the kids?
*****: Oh Susan is 2 and half now and timothy is about to start kindergarten soon
*****: Hows the missus?
Me: Oh I killed her....Oh wait I meant she disappeared off into the night *cough*
*****: You must have been that bad huh?
Me: Uhm...guess so

After 6 years we STILL talk like that. Omigosh chemical reactions don't change over time after all.

I'm emo? Eh?

Woke up to an encouraging sms yesterday.(Dei you surf Internet so early in the morn?)(or if you didn't...Then I still really don't know why you sms me le. But I really really appreciate your concern k? ^^)

♥ pui yean* ; says:
SLIGHTLY emo-istci
♥ pui yean* ; says:
*emo-istic

*blinks* Wei I'm ok really wei! If I'm feeling really really horrible you won't even get a word out of me. This blog will really shut down for a few days and you won't even get a peep outa me. Yes Sarah even you won't even get a reply. I'd probably just slump on my bed and either sleep a lot or smth. Even if I do go coll I won't even turn up for classes. Probably doing homework in the library by myself or smth just to get away from people.

*blink* Since that hasn't happened in ages...So why does everyone call me emo la dei?

The smoky salmon says:
coz wah lau got 2 encouraging smses already
♥ pui yean* ; says:
HAHAAHAH
♥ pui yean* ; says:
I guess they're emo compared to normal people's posts la
♥ pui yean* ; says:
Hence the encouraging msges

*blink* Maybe. Maybe. Or I've just got a warped sense of humour le seriously. I found the last post slightly funny le.

Ok la I gotta admit the reason I got pissed and depressed yesterday...Juvenile is too kind a term to describe it. I feel like I went from 6 years old to 3 years old. Now I'm younger than Su Yi!

WAAAHHH! Actually whenever I get faced with a problem I normally panic a bit then I normally focus on the problem. Exceptions are biological problems...Those freak me out wayyyy too much.

So you see right those posts I get pissed and then by the time I reach the end of the post I'm exploding with ideas on how to counter my prob. So I start the post angry and depressed but I end cheerful and skipping.

Yes I'm special that way. I actually enjoy my problems nowadays because I feel like God is above me trying to give me more signs as I try to wade through it too. That and I like planning like a madman. Faced with problems ideas explode in my head and it's a throwback to my old days to prune those ideas and select the best second best and third best. It's quite fun. It's like some kinda chess fix?

I'm very in touch with controlling my depression or anger either so I'm pretty ok 1 ler all the time. I'm ok seriously. You guys haven't really seen a depressed Kington before. At the most all you get is a stressed Kington.

So relax. Stop worrying. I'm good and thank you for your concern ^^ Nothing can shake me. I just have sudden short term lapses when nearing exam time. Which are nothing to worry about ^^

On a side note. I'm pretty short on rainy morning music. Bossanova is fine and all but I don't know which songs to pick out. Serious lack of them in my com sigh. Goodbye Apathy- One republic and Headlights-the classic crime is gonna have some major replaying today. Oh Raindrops prelude-Chopin ^^


And oh here's a sad story about a salmon. Very emo.

I can no longer pick up my camera anymore.

Horrid isn't it. Famous photographer Lee Kington cannot hold the camera anymore.

It's crazy. It's depressing. It's...hurtfull.

I can't hold it thats the problem.

Sigh Sara's(didn't mispell btw) about to find out why too. Sigh. Ask me to take a picture. I thought I could. Now I can't sigh...

Holding my handphone is becoming a problem too apparently.

Sigh. Is this the end of my photography career? Or will I succeed in fixing that. Who knows?

Sighh first time it's surfaced so violently.

Bloody shaking. And the other problems are resurfacing tearing at other things...But not to worry I won't go into a trashing fit on the floor. And end up having to get this sociopath of a doctor whos addicted to drugs to bring me out of a coma while breaking hospital regulations. I'm prrreeeeeeeeeeeeetttttttttyyyy sure about that.
------------------------------

Wore the ring again. Sighhhhhhhhhhhhh. Usual reason why. Discourage. But sighhhhh she knows that the ring isn't from someone special. Musta found out some way or other.

Sighhh how long will she hold on...I hope not much longer. It's been so long and she's still holding on sighh.

God please show her the way. There's no point in waiting for me...
------------------------------

I'm begining to take birthday parties as some kinda omen. Sighh. Sorry Michelle. Great party though. Amazed at the chocolate fountain. And exceptionally tickled pink by Su Yi.

New info came in while at the party. With my current physical state and heart palpitating intensely constantly. I couldn't handle it.

Could feel it hissing and tearing inside me. Sigh. Tahan tahan tahan. Sigghhhhhh first in f4 I got baaaaaddddddddd news. Sighh. This year I got a badddd sign.

Then finally. Today sigh. It CAN'T be healthy at all. Kinda like me typing posts at 1:30 am in the morn. Mom catch me. Kena lelong as the mystery meat at the market tomorrow.

What do I do? Running out of weapons. Enemy ran off with one of them too today. *snarl* The rest of the weapons hissed in their sockets trying to achieve bloodlust type status. But sigh...Not allowed to do anything. Especially with those restrictions. Tried to keep the magic going. You know the magic bit. Guh but got a lil cranky and depressed again.

But I managed to stay happy and all during the party. Can't dissapoint Michelle! Benji was ber-happying with my camera too so I could put the feet up lean back and light a cigar...Oh wait not my house.

But when Jeremy went home with my lense cap...I think I scared Ethan. All the way to Jeremy's house I told myself at every bump to calm down. It's not his fault. Don't bloody him right at his very doorstep. It happens. I'm not pissed cause of it. It's no big deal. Reached sandy park. Took a deep breath. Turned off the headlights. And I was at peace again. Really not sure what I would do without God. Told him it's no big deal too. Bet he was expecting for me to take chunks right outa him. Must heard about my temper guh. He handed me the cap through the gate at arms length too. Like I was some kinda rabid jackal. Woi jangan la takut la...^^

Went to William's sat down ordered teh-o-ais hands still rattling from the adrenaline released from the depression and anger.

Sucked it in and enjoyed the conversation forgetting all about it. Suddenly I looked right feeling someone examining my face. I saw Su Wei(monash punya)! Out on a date with her boyfriend! We waved and Jorrel wanted to know who was she. Sigh Jorrel arh.

Heard about the story of Jorrel, Jon Mah, and the super gullible "really?" girl.

Always splits my seams. As I walked back to my car. Received another sign. But for something else. Sigh can't do much with it.

Was feeling much better. And when I was driving home I told myself...God has a plan for all things big and small. I can't be selfish and always get what I want. Guh even if I don't get what I want...At least it'll be for the best.

Got home pulled out the mental map again. Things point at my foe and another at my friend and another arrow at myself. I pause. I replay the whole night in my head. Benefits of having a memory like that besides still fresh anyway.

I spot something new. And it could go either way. Things are going to get dangerous again. And I check my weapons.

There's a new one. It's time for a plan. A new one.

"We hardly know each other at all. Ok la to be more specific how much do you know about me?"

Thats a line that cuts. I'm pretty sure it cuts. And I used it. Obviously I got a stoned out reaction. And the replies came. Weak arguments.

Honestly la...If you don't take time to get to know me...And you WANT to say you know me...A reply like that is kinda in the expectation bag right?...

Sigh people like that come along every once in awhile. "We know each other wert?"

Sigh I know you. But you don't know me. So cast aside your ideas of me. You hardly know me. You don't know my history. You don't know where I've come from. Just knowing I'm from DJ isn't enough really. I get all that information before hand or right on the spot even when I'm shaking a person's hand. So how can you say you know me?

Likewise, We have to spend time getting to know God living in Him communicating with Him. Experiencing Him. If we don't how can we as creations of Him say we know Him?

I'm gonna take a new stand on this man. Seeing His signs and His marks on my life isn't enough man. I wanna stand in His presence and hear Him feel Him.

I wanna get to know him. And I mean as in REALLY know.

-------------

Yes I know I posted 3 together. Cause they were saved as drafts mentally for quite some time.

Needed the ram la.

I've never been so excited.

[Hiss]

I've never felt so pressured.

[Hiss]

Never felt like this desire before.

[Hiss]

I'm tense but not worried. I'm eager for it. It's like I'm bloodthirsty. Eager for a fight. Claws drawn. Knives out. Guns loaded safeties off. Energies charged. Hands arched. Greaves on. Switchblades open.....ok you get the point....Muskets loaded...

[Hiss]

I'm drawn into it ROAR. I'm hissing with anticipation. I'm so eager to whack it to attack it. To go mano-e-mano.

To turn the corner of a trench rifle held close, trenchspike at ready.

I chuckle evilly to myself. I've gotta calm down and just do it right. Gotta stop smiling like that if not people will think I'm mad. I probably am anyway but can't let everyone know right? Oops this is a blog.

Thats the feeling I get whenever I take an exam that counts. To finally do something that counts.

That and when I'm about to fight. But I haven't done that in ages. Something to look forward to.

But Sigh...Don't really know how I'll do though. I'm anticipating it but I'm kinda underpowered. Like turning the corner with just the trenchspike and half a clip left in the rifle. There's no telling who will win.

But thats part of the fun. When getting into a fight. Whoever worries about bleeding. For battle crazed freaks. It's all about getting to fight anyway.

Are you feeling it yet?

[clutching head] Yes...It hurts quite bad...But I still can't remember...

Take your time it was years ago.

Some energy divided. Some energies spent. Some energies disolving right into the waters down the drain.

Leaning against the wall I think...WHY IS HER'S NAME SO FAMILIAR!

How old am I?...18 years spent ambling mindlessly across the face of the Earth.

How many years of memories do I have...Records start with about 15 years ago. Whats missing? About 6 years. 6 years of memories discarded. 6 years of memories burnt. 6 years full of things worth forgetting.

All this being forced back into the light trying to remember more of my old friend Suen Kar Mun. And even then some things are as pale as the light I lived in back then. I can remember her voice. Her way of speaking. But thats it. I don't even remember how she is. Her personality. I don't remember much.

But why is this other name so familiar. Not Kar Mun's name. A name older. A name I haven't heard spoken for so many years. But I'm very sure I've heard that name before.

Ages ago.

Nearly a decade ago. Before I learnt any form of skills at all. Before I learnt to shed blood. Before I learnt to distrust. To vindicate. When I was learning to be pure and incorruptible.
----------------

Drying my hair I remember.

In the pale evening light. I remember. Back when I was a kid.

"My mom taught me to introduce myself by my name first when getting to know people. Hi my name is Lee Kington"
"Hi my name is Sara Tan."
---------------------

There's no describing really the shock factor in that actually. Cause that Sarah ok Sara has pretty dark skin like the Sarah we know. They look quite similar and I could remember she also wore glasses.

But then nah not the same Sara/Sarah lol. The STGC we know is younger than me but this other ST is older. She excelled so much in her studies(also like STGC dahm keng 1) she got upgraded in class and we never heard of each other again. And that was wayyyyy back in Standard 1 or 2. And STGC went Sri Damai marh.

Scare me sial. I thought I knew Sarah since standard 2 wei! SHOCK SHOCK SHOCK!

Woke up after sleeping somewhat for 5 hours. It felt more like rest. Didn't dream or anything so it's a good thing I guess.

Had a strange dream then I woke up from the biting sensation. I blinked blearily at the clock and saw 6:08 on the yellow digital display of my clock radio.

Then I realised why I woke up. Open blanket and used it like a corpse uses a blanket. Head to toe.

MMhhhhmmmmm warm...I drifted in and out of sleep in between suddenly waking up thinking "OMIGOSH AS AS AS AS MATHS MATHS MATHS" and falling asleep as suddenly as that happened. Finally it hit about 6:50 and I had a strange dream Daniel Hon was calling me to wake me up. I woke up heard my maid slap the usual ham I eat for breakfast on the pan to the hiss of the oil and I said..."10 more mins la breakfast isn't ready."

Cuddle the blanket again.

Then I woke up finally unable to stand the cold. Wash hands. Then decided not to wash face. Just yet. Kinda suicide. Went around shivering while getting the daily business done.

Brrr cold la deng. Cannot tahan I couldn't feel my fingers! Ate my food. Went back up. And washed out my hair with the heater on with a high setting then I proceeded to rinse my hands and feet until I could feel them touching the floor.

Satisfied I dried my hair off put on my jeans and filled my pockets.

I was feeling extra anxious because I did pretty badly in the June 07 paper at home and the difficulty seemed to rise with every paper. With a goal of about 99 or 100 or lowest 90 the way I did was nearly enough to make me twirl my hair with a fork like spaghetti and rip it out.

*click* *stares around room* *Checks phone* Hehe Thanks Sarah. Ephesians 3:20 right? Lets see if I can really do it.

I got out of the house. Remembered I didn't bring any change for the parking meter. Walking back in. Got back to the car tried starting it. Couldn't start for more than 10 mins. Went back in quickly and got the Saga keys. Remembering I left the modulator in the Sentra I brought the keys back out and got the modulator. Went back in to return the keys and told my dad he came out tried to start it too and proclaimed it was dead.

Was feeling like a big idiot even before I got to coll nuts. Managed to get to college without any incidents just met a lot of nasty drivers and a road hog.

Was feeling might stressed especially with Yee Cheng saying he played dota with Fang until quite late last night and that no one else had really done anything for math. But the cafeteria was packed with people reading, discussing and even Sarah was studying. I could feel the kelenjar adrenalin starting to pump.

Yee Cheng is one hella of a chun guy when it comes to maths. So understandably he was calm. Relaxed even. "Wanna bite of my sandwhich?" No thanks bud just lost all my appetite.

Read Psalms 22 right before going in to the incredulous look on people's faces. "THERE'S ALWAYS TIME FOR GOD IN ANY SITUATION!" It's true Eng Joe.

Went in and filled the answer sheet. When the questions hit the table I flipped it open and mentally I was drawing my sword to slay the beast that stood before me.

Saw the questions and I realised I was kinda holding a short sword and I had a bear. Uh oh.

DEI never mind! David killed a lion with a sling! Sling so hard to use also he can kill lion! I will make it through! Nuts why la my name Kington.

Came out with adrenaline pumping EXTRA EXTRA hard and hands freezing again.

I was shaking EXTRA hard when I was trying to sms my friends seeing where they were going for lunch. And when I met Lesley I found myself holding onto things tightly. Lost all apetite again.

After having lunch went back to coll to check my quarantine and my shivering had stopped. Went to visit Lesley having lunch and with my adrenalin not pumping I finally managed to detect something. Oh puas liao ^^ Bagus bagus confirmed a theory. Bagus bagus.

Sent Ee Lin home on request of my cousin "Eh what time you going home tmr?" "Ya want me send your girlfriend home right?" Felt it coming bro, felt it coming.

Feeling stressed and the spot between my eyes is hurting from excessive thinking. I think I'm gonna get some kills and take a nap.

PHYSICS 31 GAHH!!!*wakes up* Aiya chilling ler. Cannot study also. *snore*

----------

If this post seems disjointed. I think it is. Just rambling like a madman. Still feeling cold. Oh aircond lol.

It's been that long eh. Definately six years but probably more than 14 scars.

I opened a window on friendster wondering who the Jewish Bohemian Jangle was this familiar face in that super small thumbnail. But the name was oh so familiar.

When the face was enlarged first thing I said to myself..."Eh still alive?"

Then I posted a comment. The usual "Eh still alive arh after so long. Dahm long never see already. Whats happened in the past dunno how many donkey years? Oh the cows came home btw."

Something like that la.

Aih then she replied. Way too fast for comfort. Suddenly I find myself caught trying to think of a reply. She pretty much summarised we haven't seen each other except in brief passing wayy back in F2 but we haven't talked properly since standard 6. Wayyyyy long ler for good friends. Then again not much choice ler. We didn't have any means of contact.

So the usual la. "Eh nak pergi yumcha when you get back to Malaysia? After my exams of course."

But then I thought what do I do if she agrees to meet up ler. It's been a long time. I'm not sure if she still talks to the other 2 also.

She knows fully what I'm capable of. The little bits that aren't considered common knowledge too. So what do I do if we meet up? Will she be dissapointed? Will I be dissapointed?

What will have changed? Will we still get along like old times? Will she hate me for breaking off contact with the other 2?

It's all a guess. She hasn't been around for half a decade anyway. Bleh and she was the one who trained my audiotape like memory. What will she say if she sees it falling apart now?

Those days with the nasty shocks of me remembering what someone said months ago repeating it exactly as if the person said it 5 secs ago coupled with their incredulous expressions. But now with the extensive damage done by excessive discarding of certain memories to clear the way for new ones it's not easy to do anymore. I can barely remember this old friend either. I just remember sitting at the table playing card games with her. And those jittery lightning fast movements of hers. There's still her music playing in my com though. Downloaded it again after hearing it during dinner. Underground band that died of in 2001 just when we broke off contact.

After that I left the world of DU and entered a brand new world in DJ and a new life began. Totally different from what I was used to.

Nuts is this how friends always are when they meet up after nearly half their lifespans?

Stuff You Learn @ http://the-bite.blogspot.com/ says:
where were we?
♥ pui yean* ; says (11:06 PM):
No
♥ pui yean* ; says (11:06 PM):
But omg I dress like eveyrone else does !
♥ pui yean* ; says (11:06 PM):
Even less dressed up actually .
Stuff You Learn @ http://the-bite.blogspot.com/ says:
hmm i think thats why la
Stuff You Learn @ http://the-bite.blogspot.com/ says:
i dress dahm slacker
Stuff You Learn @ http://the-bite.blogspot.com/ says:
people asking me if i wanna join gang/not interested coz ada already
♥ pui yean* ; says:
HAHAHAH
♥ pui yean* ; says:
So because I don't look like I'm trying to impress , I give off the vibe that I'm taken ?
♥ pui yean* ; says:
=p
♥ pui yean* ; says:
This is seriously an interesting conversation , did you know ?
-----------------------------

Stuff You Learn @ http://the-bite.blogspot.com/ says:
look i wore the finest shirt in my whole cupboard on mon
Stuff You Learn @ http://the-bite.blogspot.com/ says:
everyone kept asking if i was going to kau lui
♥ pui yean* ; says:
HAHHAHAHAHAHA
♥ pui yean* ; says:
This is super cool lah !
Stuff You Learn @ http://the-bite.blogspot.com/ says:
it is?
Stuff You Learn @ http://the-bite.blogspot.com/ says:
i dunno
♥ pui yean* ; says:
Quite la
♥ pui yean* ; says:
=p
Stuff You Learn @ http://the-bite.blogspot.com/ says:
my male friends kept patting me on the shoulder and asking who
Stuff You Learn @ http://the-bite.blogspot.com/ says:
after break they asked howd it go
Stuff You Learn @ http://the-bite.blogspot.com/ says:
and when most girls didn't get to have lunch with me they look dismayed
♥ pui yean* ; says:
Oh so you usually have lunch with a lot of girls laa
♥ pui yean* ; says:
Hahahhahaha
Stuff You Learn @ http://the-bite.blogspot.com/ says:
no also
Stuff You Learn @ http://the-bite.blogspot.com/ says:
i had lunch with darren that day ^^
♥ pui yean* ; says:
But other days ?
♥ pui yean* ; says:
Busteddddddd !
Stuff You Learn @ http://the-bite.blogspot.com/ says:
uhhhhhhhh i try to have lunch with sarah?
Stuff You Learn @ http://the-bite.blogspot.com/ says:
or with my MALE classmates
Stuff You Learn @ http://the-bite.blogspot.com/ says:
OMIGOSH DOES THIS MEAN I'M HOMO?
♥ pui yean* ; says:
HAHHAHAHAHHA
♥ pui yean* ; says:
You think about it and let me know
---------------

Was last week. And they day we had this conversation...Yes I was in a very foul mood. Doesn't show does it.

So yeah...How you dress does affect the way you seem. If you dress like Fang right you kinda advertise you're taken. But some girls daring enough will try to go on the offense anyway.

However you dress like Pui Yean you give off this look which somehow says "I've got a boyfriend in some other college or smth."

Dressing like Sarah however gets you comments like "Oh that sweet girl."(Sarah don't shy shy ya)(it's a well meant compliment anyway) Yes this came from a guy who had only seen her before from afar lol. Stalker sial.

If you dress like Daniel Hon....I get comments like "Eh does Hon Hon have a girlfriend arh? Can't really tell."

However when you handle your handphone excessively it also gives off the vibe you're taken regardless if it's reality or not. Or whatever you're wearing. This confuses the Jangling Jango out of my classmates. They see me playing with my handphone but they're soooooooo sure I'm single. But when I pull it out and answer an sms conspiracy theories get rekindled. Even if I'm sending Wei Yew messages la. Bukan homo!

Even Chee Ping said I look like the taken type. No idea why. Quite common a few people do tend to ask if I'm taken followed with an "Are you sure?" Gee not too sure mate. I might have a girlfriend my other personality is hiding from me. Could be, but who knows really eh?

However with a ring it's a different ball game. It automatically advertises you're taken. The same gender has no qualms about asking where the ring is from. However among the opposite gender they take it as a sign of defeat. Only the most confident that you're not taken or the most hopeful do ask.

Strange la what a ring can do. And even stranger is the way we're labelled for our dressing style.

So any idea why do I look taken even without the ring? I know why Pui Yean looks taken. But for myself I don't know.

I need 14$ of coins. Why? Parking leh. Next few weeks the exams I need coins for the parking.

Any change is deeply appreaciated. Free rides appreciated even further.(hint hint Beatrice...Kevin...) Would settle the fatigue+back ache problem for those 8 days of coll...

Now I have 18$ already. But I need more to sustain me for the 8 days. 4$ a day after all.
Seriously. Anyone who has coins let me know. I will gladly change them from you.

And I will hug you for the coins ^^

And the earlier post was part of another post. The last post was in the rain. But there was another before in the sunshine.

And yeah for the guys who read my blog they must be hating all this chick-ish stuff by now. So I promise the next story I tell will be ganas ferocious with head ripping and loads of blood k?

The wind whistled. The pavement full of mini puddles. The pitter patter of the rain hitting the ground all around us. It was dark and it way past midnight somewhere about 1 in the morning. The streets were empty and we were alone save the random passing car. The odd working street lamp shining small pools of orange light onto the road.

SPLASH. She jumped from one puddle to another. Giggling like a school girl.

A car zips by casting long shadows on the road. She caught me staring at my shadow.

"Stop thinking about work ok? You're off duty!"

I smile and shake my head in a non-committal way.

"Good that's what you should do! Join me!"

She goes on skipping ahead of me singing and laughing. Whatever made her so happy I couldn't fathom.

I just walk quietly behind her. She was wearing a simple dress. White skirt and a modest top, white as well, it made her look like a ghost on this empty road. However I was still wearing my black clothes for when I go to work. The black and the white walking down the road?

She didn't mind that she was drenched to the bone and it was quite cold. She just kept singing the song of the sky and laughing.

Her voice so light, so cheerful she was really happy. Silvery as it was when it hit my ears. Very much like mine, a mercurial voice which changed wildly. Do all of us have voices as so? Yet I find myself drawn to it like the voice of a siren.

She danced in the rain staring at the sky. Her hair all wet and dripping, clinging to her face from all the rain that had gotten into it. She had taken off her sandals saying "Well, if I'm too tired to walk you can carry me right?" I was too tired to protest or to advise her otherwise.

"OY! Why are you just standing there!? It's such beautiful rain! Dance with me! Enjoy the rain!"

She grabbed my hand and pulled me forward. But I just staggered because of the sudden force.

She looked at me, tucked a stray lock clinging to her face behind her ear and pouted at me. I looked at her but I couldn't resist her spell, slowly I broke into a weak smile. She grinned like the Cheshire cat from ear to ear.

I followed her skipping along the puddles stomping in a few to her laughs.

Deep into the night, we laughed, we danced, we talked all to the song of the rain playing in the background.

All the while never stepping into the shade. When there was no cars we'd run on the roads. Running with our hearts and not our minds. We were laughing. We were playing like children in the rain.

She sat down tired after running the streets for an hour like a drunk, aimlessly walking the streets in the rain. She fell asleep leaning on the Plexiglas wall of a deserted bustop. As I sat a distance away from her.

I looked at her. Her face plain and free of any cares. I just watched her sleeping for an indefinite length of time. Her beautifull albeit drenched hair clinging to her face dangling and dripping. Her head leaning against a support. Her arms folded in her lap.

The neon display of a clock on the bustop wall showed 3:13.

I got up and picked her up in my arms cradling her. She pressed up against my shoulder. With all the lining on this clothes and the underlayers she wouldn't be able to feel any warmth anyway.

And I carried her home. With her sleeping peacefully in my arms the whole way.

AS is next week. So obviously I've gotta up the ante a bit...Mummy Chian is begging me to anyway...Someone keeps reminding me to study...And I can't be a hypocrite by telling Jon to study. Even if his cousin asked me to remind him daily I won't do it! It's darn gay! But I'll do it at every opurtunity though. =P

So begins the totourous regime waking at 11 sleeping at 4 having no life seeing nobody but papers on papers. Sigh.

And my phone will go into dead mode also. SMS no one.(pretty easy to do kinda traumatised by this week already) Blogging a lot less.(also easy to do)(sorry Sarah go read other blogs la) Msning a lot less. Generally doing a lot less of other stuff and doing a whole lot of studying.

I managed to cut down my day into studying + bathing +eating + a bit of com time + sleep+ pray. Yes it really only had those things. Ok la apart from a bit of tv and random messages from Pui Yean.

But really. Eventually even the messages stopped. And all I had was God, my lipton ice tea, Lorina and papers and books. Even the tv and com stopped. That was like really no life. And I hardly said more than 50 words in 3 days. Hardly talked to anyone at all. And for the first time mental stress took on a physical form of pain. My pain nerves are still a bit shorted out from that.

So I'm about to start again....[shudder]...But ya....has it's effects...Ok la so my situation isn't so bleak. But when I study until dahm kau dahm stress dahm focus I grow paranoid like an android.

Dunno why la I panicked and got all down and depressed. Aih something wrong with me. (random passerby : "YOU GOT THAT RIGHT BUDDY!")[glare]

But ok la I've laid down all the facts. And even though history stands against me. The odds stand WITH me.

Time to stay awake. All this for the sleep pattern arrangement of the 1-4 sleep stages. If I can control that, I will own the key to my AS.

I sent Brown home. Lives in subang so it wasn't problem. I sent Benaiah home too.

And 2 other people.

When I first saw the only female passenger of yesterday I was like..."Hey not bad weih." Coz pretty+cute. Didn't think much about it coz I knew she was taken already. Call it a hunch. No not a slouch.

Eventually I found out halfway to McDonald's. That she is taken.

So I drove her and the other fellow there. We sat down and started eating. Then I got a message. "Chem was screwed." Not surprising even the Sunway people who are supposed to be better at chem couldn't get it righty-o either.

Then the other messages came. And I realised I could be knee deep in a mess. Even after receiving the news in Campus City...This new thing could definitely signal some destruction. I started to feel a bit cranky again.

Then suddenly someone at the table said something really really important. I even stopped midway putting in the fry to my mouth.

I had just taken my good friend's apple of his eyes to dinner! And he knew!

Then I was like oh wait. Although that corroborates it could still be another person. Thinking skills :) Then the fella added something and my jaw nearly went slack. If it wasn't for my grogginess my jaw would have fallen open for all the flies in the world to fly in. But I didn't notice coz my brain was grinding so my mouth stayed shut lol.

But when I sent them home, they got out of my car I had a super strong bad feeling like something wasn't right. And it wasn't because I just let a chun chick go without getting her number either. It was because I felt like I betrayed a good friend of mine. I could tell knew he was having tough times too because she's taken and I know the pain all too well. But I brought her to dinner and sent her home too. True la we did so mutually just because she needed a ride. But to my friend it musta felt like more than a stab. Thinking stab+twist. Think about it. He's been working for months and the first day I turn up we're laughing and sharing jokes like we've known each other for ages.

I apologised to my bud in the end and he was ok but it musta hurt quite a chunk. Among us good friends la if we hear that one of us is after a girl generally the rest take 2 steps back and just watch.

Then I realised how my enemy must have felt or why he's suddenly turned so stabbity stabbity poke poke recently. But oh wait he isn't my enemy now. He's stuck in the same boat as me. The boat is sinking. And neither of us want to help each other. He's got a knowledge of history. And I know other things that no one else would ever find out.

Then more messages came in and I was finding out more things. Finally I got home and when I re-read all of the details and stuff that came in...I got REALLY cranky. Sorry Sarah, really really sorry never meant for me to do that.

I was feeling depressed again and after my bath I just sat in my couch and while holding my phone I fell asleep. I woke up a few times just checking my phone. And it slipped from my hands clattering to the floor every time I fell asleep. After picking it up once or twice I just felt so sick of it all I fell asleep and as it went clattering across the floor I didn't care anymore.

I apologised to Jon and his cousin for being such an Ass at dinner then he told me I was ok and he told me to go sleep it off.

I laid down on my bed and I was busy contemplating what I should do next with the general depression setting in again admits immense fatigue and sleepiness. I woke up again seeing "Sarah (cough not Tan so stop staring)" appear in my inbox. Groggily I opened the message and the end of it said "...Am finished w the crying n ready to tackle n hopefully with God's help..."

She used to lean on me for her strength earlier this year and I let her take as much as she could then she found a boyfriend and I switched my focus to helping my other friend with her budding relationship.

Then I realised that all I do does have an effect. And I smiled as I slipped away into my sleep.

I woke up checked a few more things. Got a few new messages and I realised that things were as bleak as they were yesterday. But hey I'm ok with it. It's not everyday you get what you want. But I'm gonna draw and see what happens. If it doesn't work then never mind la.

Pushing on taking those little leaps of faith eh? That's right man! Who on earth quits at the first sign of trouble? Yeap just gotta believe and keep up the fight. Mustn't quit yet.

And when I stared at the clear sky and smiled. We're all gonna be alright.

Yes, you can choose to let the inner man shine through or let the other man show.

But what if both feel like crap?

Man this is a sucky day. After talking to my friend last night and reassuring her that I was very much no emo I was very sure I was still living it good. I was happy and content even eagerly awaiting future events. And most of all believing even if things weren't going to be all right...At least it would be in the best situation when things ended.

Then I woke up this morning. Blame it on the weather. Blame it on the lack of sunlight. Blame it on the fatigue. Blame it on falling asleep with the lights on again. Blame it on anything. Blame isn't unimportant and it doesn't change facts or anything at all.

I got up. Took out my retainers. And suddenly I remembered something. (see having a good memory can sometimes be a curse) And I had to sit back down and deal with the negative hormones being pumped into my blood. My heart was just racing there like a mad rabbit having a heart attack. (no, not about exams I'm quite confident I'll be ready for it) And I hit a low.

I sorta shambled about thinking about it while trying to prepare for college. I woke up at 8 and class was at 8. So it took me about 1 hour to get there. Far too long. And when I hit a bend on the way to coll I actually drove into the grass. Tyres squealing on the wet grass and all too. Don't worry I'm ok. Didn't crash but probably scared all the other road users.

Ms. Lim also excused my sudden shortcoming in physics due to grogginess.

I was pretty ok and coping during it all. But when further math came and I failed again. I was like "woah!" "ah never mind la it just happens" but then again I got 3rd lowest in class. Aiya. Sniffles. Tak puas. But then again lowest is 2/30. So at least I know something anyway. Probably took a wrong turn in my working somewhere. Nearly passed after all.

Econs came and Ms. Chian was telling us how the smart girls all know their stuff but their too afraid of the paper so sometimes they screw up coz too tension not sure what to write. And then she pointed at me "but the boys on the other hand....TOO RELAXED!" XD I did my very very best to look Innocent. "But teacher I do study!" "Not enough. Take some pointers from Juan Ying." "Teacher like that I might have to take ALL of her hardworking attitude."

Then she started to tell us how we needed confidence to do well in econs. That we gotta be confident in what were writing is the right stuff. And that we should always never give up, be confident sure think coolly and calmly.

I just felt so ashamed of myself. I'm so used to having things under control suddenly when I realised things had blown that morning I just went right into depression mode. I couldn't do anything. Things were sunk. And all I thought I could do was sit back and watch the fires consume my plans. The destruction eventually ruining everything.

When she started telling those things I had to hold my right hand down. I just felt so much like scratching some of my own flesh out or just blowing it and going to pieces. But eyer later mummy Chian get all motherly. All the time I was laughing about it yet feeling depressed too. Dahm I'm so sadistic and masochistic at the same time.

Yeah she's right! I gotta be confident I'm on the right track regardless of the outcome! I can't say I've started losing before I've even drawn my weapons! I will do my best to fight gloriously!

I remember my friend saying "It sucks to see you so down and not being able to do anything for you." Remember that? If you don't then never mind la it was so long ago.

I promised myself I'd always keep the chin up and smile on and do my very best. And I'd at least try to enjoy myself while doing it. But last night talking to Laura and all...Argh never again. I should be happy I'm living in Jesus! Why am I taking my problems to people again? I know that only God can solve them now. I'm a self contained problem, I don't need others to solve them. I just need my God. But yet I couldn't help myself. Don't worry Laura when you read this I really really wasn't emo!

But today la. My friend kept talking while at Pizza Hut and I kept giving "I don't really wanna talk" kinda replies. But the fellow kept yammering on. Smart Kathi changing subject seeing my eyes narrow to points lol.

Ah gotta keep things up and going! Gotta focus on those papers first! That and so many people need my help. The foundation people need my econs the f5's need my maths, others need my support, others need my strategies. That and people are beginning to look at me as the craziest happiest guy around. If I fall apart now what will that mean for others? The happiest guy getting depressed? That's very very bad news for everyone.

So yes I gotta cheer up and keep trying! Without giving up! Chances are just beginning to open up! Why am I so down!? I should be standing! And I'll never let that friend of mine see my sullen face ever again because I'm depressed! I owe it to the bugger too much!

So the answer to your first question is "No I'm not ok....But I will be very shortly." :)

Don't worry I'll be back by your sides soon. I just need sometime alone to sort things out and drain all the negativity.

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1 Kington was emotionally hurt in the production of this post but fortunately the wounds were light and we'd be happy to report that the-bite.blogspot will be resuming normal service as usual. He didn't break any fingers after all lol.

Depression or Happy.......Depression or Happy.....Depression or Happy....Depression or Happy.........Depression or Happy????!!!!

Ugh that ugly event still rears it's ugly ugly head in an ugly ugly way. Unsightly. Nak shoot the thingy.

But you can't shoot things in the past. Or bite it. Or sock it to the face the conventional way.

Well you see right that event can interpreted both positively or negatively.

If it's positive it's nice and all but the deed was done badly.

But if it's negative. It can be the worst form of negativity like you know -275? Uhh negative infinity that kinda thing.

It would be as bad as it FREAKING gets. [pants]

[deep breath] But no...I don't know. For all I know, for all I know about predicting outcomes, for all the dreams I have, for every bit of brainpower thats devoted to understanding,predicting & reaching into other people's heads. For once I'm lost very lost. No clues too. And it seems no one can tell me anything definitive.

I was ok yesterday only because I decided to look at things positively.

But as a guy who always plans for the worst I've decided to get realistic. Can't always live in a dream can we. Gotta look at the sky and some days we say to ourselves it's gonna rain and I can't use the com coz of lightning and thunder.

Aih just gonna focus on exams first anyway. Very close to getting 4 A's for AS already. No matter how much I say I'm a stupid lazy shit. I have to admit really I'm a lazy shit whos actually quite smart who did quite above average again.(transcript arrived today) So a lot of hope is being placed on me right now. With bated breath and staring eyes they wanna see the 4A's come out of me.

Ah Sarah is telling me(constantly a bit wayyy to much anyway) to go study. So I guess I should take her advice and bury myself in books, papers, inks and notes till this exam is over.

Then I'll get outa the muck and try to figure things out again.

Can't help feeling slightly muted though just gotta rise up and roar and chew the books and not let it get to me!

(huge nigerian guy) "Hi I'm Brown."
"Uhhh...Hi I'm Kington."
Seriously I thought the guy telling racist joke ler! I was just about to go "No la you're black!"

His name is Brown btw. And when I paused there I think he was more or less thinking..."Puny asian dude here is totally in awe of my height. Haha. Short freak."

Was supposed to post about my conversation with Cheeps yesterday. But like dahm self serving/lansi when I read it during editing process. So I shall pass.

Can't think of much else to blog about right now.

Election next year somewhere between April to July...
A reporter told me.

Digi is being sold off to another telco.
An industry insider told me.

A 016 Digi starter pack costs 8.50 so says the label. But retailers will sell it for much higher prices because Digi has stopped making new lines.

And a phone dealer in Megah hates me becuase I'm so caustic when I talk to him. Couldn't help it. He kept trying to lc me. Maybe cause I look like a little kid.

My internet connection is down so I'm blogging from the library.

You've gotta share mutual trust between good friends. Or things will just never get far. Friends or lovers it both applies. Reminds me of someone's parting words, "I want to love you but it's so hard when I can't trust you." Didn't sink in last year. But it's finally sunk in deep. Too many messages being rolled about in my head made me forget that one until recently. I've also forgotten the other message I was about to tell.
-----------

Nicholas Quah sees me as someone who would probably do psychology or end up writing vampire novels or something like that.

Actually la...I'd prefer writing/drawing comics. But I barely passed seni for so many years.

And the bit about writing. They're generally metaphors of something thats happened in my life/other people's life or some old story which came out of nowhere and suddenly popped up rolled about and I finally decided to type it out just to get it off my mind.

Oh I'm that cryptic lol.

Sounds like a villian from Metal Gear Solid 3:Snake Eater...

But noooo unrelated....I'm no bee keeper.(I think only Henry would understand this joke)

Okay I gotta admit I do have a temper. And my bouts of depression come with an angry edge to it.

Yesterday it felt like I accidentally fell into a cesspool + I got saman + something bad happened in class which I can't really remember coz the first thing was nagging my mind.

I've been pretty chilling about things recently. Not getting angry over anything just plain kicking my heels up and just accepting things. But yesterday I just felt sooooooo....uhhhh....Furious?

My classmates aren't really sure when I'm sulking because I generally go camp up somewhere else sulking. So they're pretty much unsure whats chewing me. Or if I'm getting chewed in the first place.

Even with the new chunted shirt(thanks Jie jie) I was sulking. But yeah, yeah, there goes the pillar of light argument again...

Even on the drive home Benedict was talking about an accident he got into but handled badly recently I couldn't help but feel like "I need some time on my own here and you're in my car because you needed a ride home but at least give me some time to gather my thoughts before you start trying to milk pity out of me."

Then I remembered why I'm made this way. And then I got back to work. For all the tough skin Benedict has. He wouldn't be telling me this unless he thought of me as a friend and someone whom he could confide in. So I let him talk and did my best to try and ease his fears. Although guy to guy it doesn't really work.

But all the while I was still kinda sulky in my driving style. Slamming the gears. Releasing the clutch really fast and going really fast. (If my other passengers are wondering when I'm sulky and angry my driving gets REALLY REALLY REALLY scary as opposed to fast and controlled.)

Halfway there he asked me if I wanted to play badminton and when I said no citing bad mood he said "Just come la aiyoh!"

He even asked what was the problem. But I didn't tell him. He guessed mentally I felt him guessing but he never said it out loud. Good old Ben knows when Kington wants to sulk. He could tell I was pissed looking at the expression on my face properly for once. A smile with a sprinkling of sulk. Magic. He could tell I was pissed and downtrodden, and he was afraid to push things because he's seen me get pissed before once. And he knows Kington has got some serious bite from God knows where under that smile and those kind favours.

In the end I found myself playing badminton. Obviously I played like crap compared to the more athletic pairs of Yee Cheng and Yit Tze and Benedict and Celest. But I got to literally sweat out the frustration. Eventually they played 2 on 2 sibling teams.

And I went over to the wall with a shuttlecock and played with the wall. I tried to cancel out my inbuilt reactions and just aim at the shuttlecock with my eyes and the racquet. When I hit the feathery thingy I don't look I let instinct be my guide. I stopped took a deep breath and tried to play normally without instinct telling me where to swing.(yes I know it's rather creepy playing with a guy who isn't really looking at the darn thing)(However it's less creepy when I suck at it) And only then I really felt like I was getting rid of the frustration.

The shuttlecock was so abused by the time I was done I broke about 4 feathers off it. Forearm still aches.

Walking back to my car I remembered Daniel telling me the day before that. "Love is like trust somewhat. If you love the person you wouldn't doubt him or her right? You love your parents thats why you don't doubt them. Same thing goes for God. Sometimes you feel challenged, sometimes you may feel like God has forsaken you but when you love God you know that He's really there for you. And you can trust Him."

Fury and depression forgotten I drove home more or less content but not really happy. Singing,

"He wraps himself in Light, and darkness tries to hide
And trembles at His voice
Trembles at His voice

How great is our God, sing with me
How great is our God, and all will see
How great, how great is our God"

When I got home I felt ready to try again. I don't care if I'm under attack. I don't care if I'm not allowed to lay a hand on my enemies. I don't care if I'm already losing. Because surely there's something behind it all. Just working with the plan.

I don't like this story actually. I think it was poorly written could have something to do with the mood. I guess it's here just so I could let off some steam. Really not much point in reading it. Maybe if Nich Quah could gimme some comments or help me edit a bit...

-----------------
The water sluiced down my back. Cold and sharp with the heater off. Flowing into every nook and cranny of my body.

My dry skin and under watered body sucks in the water. The blood on the wounds washes out. Leaving pink colour suds on the bathroom floor.

"Nice work just now."
"Thanks."
"I know that we do ask you to go on collecting information a lot. But it's awfully creepy to see you at work you know?"
[pause] [continues soaping]
"It's like the way you do it. It just seems so cold hearted you know? To what gain is all of this?"
"For my brother."
"I think she knows you dislike her. Maybe she's even trying to establish the feeling is mutual. The way she cha you like that. Surely she's trying to start a fight."
"A contest for my brother? It's better for her to know at least. Even digging around for information in other places hasn't come to her ears yet maybe. The new source is still rather distracted with the rumours."
"Well it is true...But what happens if she's a natural adept at motive reading. You're disdain for her sticks out like a clear antennae to heaven!"
"No proof. Can't nail. I don't retaliate nor lay any of my 2 hands on her anyway."
"Anyway keep your head clean and out of the water. Metaphorically. I think you're about to dock soon."
----------------------

*The doors hiss. My vessel locks into one of the many bays. My smaller class vessel becomes just part of a massive larger world where people stay. But yet I'm only a mere Traveller about to live among these residents. Collecting what I truly want. Information.*

Black vessel please report your status. Your model number, crew, your management software and your origin.

"No registration number privately made, 1 man crew, Obsidian Shadows operating software."

Your origin sir?

"No origin. Gap floater."

Ah, Welcome Shadow Nine to our world. May you enjoy your stay. Do you have anything to declare sir?

"To declare? I like pickles and that I'm single and eligible. Well if you'd like you can look in my armory. Nothing to declare but my armory."
----------------------

I've arrived. Travelling so far between worlds. All to get here. For that strand of information that may save my brother. It's taken me a lot of deceit. A lot of careful word play to get here. And all I need is just a little bit more. I don't even need the new source. I'm going to the MAIN source.
---------------------

I step off carrying no bags. Wearing my basic gear. Pants. Shirt. Layered undershirt with minimal armor. Light jacket with only 4 knives 2 ceremonial denoting my status 2 for practical use in the inner pocket. The maximum allowed by Travellers in non-hostile territory. Light travelling boots(more like sneakers with oomph). The red and black mask for communication is back in the vessel. Under my left sleeve on my left forearm is my Left Hand. A solid ball made of pure rune type Obsidian, only allowed for the top of the league Shadow Nines and Shadow Tens attached to a long cable wrapped around my left forearm.
---------------------

In the pure pale sun of this new world I look like a Traveller instantly. All the men and women here are rich wildly. Richer than those on Mathelda. People come here with their massive fortunes amassed through any means, both dirty and clean to live in luxury for the rest of their lives.

A first class world. And it makes me sick. Coming from the Depths. I don't even have an origin. Sure most Shadow Nines have enough money to settle away on some world full of riches like this at the very least Mathelda yet another first class world but only for the not so rich.

But we hate the wealthy. Those living so well. It's because of them all forms of Shadows exist. From Shadow Makers to the Shadow Numbers. It's because of them we exist.
------------

Looking around at the posh buildings built so nicely with their smooth peach coloured walls. It's very much like rich man country here.

I feel ill just looking at the wealth. But I've got a job to do. I'm not here merely visiting. I'm here to seek out something.

And I'll stifle the hate for now. But I sooooooooo wish I could set off a nuke though. Oh wait, I didn't bring any. Shucks.

Uhhh proper update coming later tonight after I get back from Daniel Hon's house. Going there after dinner.

Some stuff my sis's friends put together for their church welcoming night in UK.

Can't wait to go UK now lol.

Oh inspirational video to keep fighting too I think. Haven't watched if fully yet.