Been bouncing around the inside of my skull occasionally recently. Just for merdeka day.

You're Malaysian if....

You've had teh tarik.
You've been in a car jumping red light.
You've ever speeded before.
You've thrown rubbish on the road from your car.
You've said "On the way" when people ask you "where are you?" when you're actually at home going into the shower.
You've shouted "eh macha" at a friend.
You've watched something pirated.
You've downloaded something illegal off the net.
You've makaned durian.
You've eatened nasi lemak and felt "tak pedas la" but you see some people sweating next to you.
You've gone "oooohhhh ahhhh an ang morh!"
You use "la" or "bah" in your sentences.
You think singaporeans are kiasu.
You know the meaning of kiasu. But you're not sure which dialect is it from.
You mix your languages "where you want to makan?"
You think of foreign education in your future constantly.
You've sung Negaraku before.


Ok I'm running out of comedic humour. I think overuse. Or maybe fatigue. Who knows?

5.....4.....3.....2.....1.....BEGIN

BEWARE LONG LONG LONG LONG LONGGGGGGG POST. Next one could be longer. But the next one is a story again.

*whispering sound slowly being drowned out by the howling of air around cars*
[Eyes swivelling left and right not stop furiously in their socket]

"GOOD MORNING!!"
"FREAK LA YOU SO EARLY IN THE MORNING ALSO KACAU ME."
*music: A Day Late - Anberlin plays*
"It's all in your head man don't blame us."

*so let me get this straight*
*you say now you loved me all along*
*what made you hesitate*
*to tell me with words what you really feel*

"That song soooo doesn't mean Jack to me anymore."
"Good improvement. You heartless freak."
"Hey don't blame me man. Blame society. They made me the way I am today."
"No risk no gain k?"
"Oh so I'm the risk ah?"

[Gets off bed and washes face]

"Shit man I slept on my right hand."
"You dreamt about another girl?"
"Yeap what does all these things mean anyway? There was only the sound of my voice and the ambient noises but I couldn't hear her voice cause I couldn't memorise the tones of her voice."
"Probably nuts."
"Who gives 2 shits anyway I'm happy with my current level of skills."

[Buttering bread]

"So what are you going to do about that."
"Don't give 2 shits I'm the heartless freak remember?"
"I didn't even finish my sentence you're really really improving. But seriously what are you going to do about it."
"I don't care la I told you. I'm a heartless freak remember? I do everything out of chivalry. I don't feel any true happiness or sadness nor love nor hatred."
"Just like the philosophical argument for something that isn't human you know?"
"Who cares?"
"Emotions are just like the loose change of life. Besides I've got God in my life. I feel content, fullfilled, protected and having all that is and not wanting more."
[Sigh]"Up to you la. All the best on your Thinking Skills paper later today."
"I probably wouldn't care either but thanks."[Hums Michael Buble- everything]

Much later.

"Nice to see you've grown."
[Shock]"It's been awhile hasn't it."
"So what have you learnt? I've heard you've ripped your heart out and cast it away."
"Uhm...I've learnt a few things."
"Good good but don't forget your goal your path. Your Endline."
"I never will don't worry."
"You've come a long way. Who knew la that the person with a low EQ could become the thing you are today?"
"Who knew eh who knew...."
"But anyway good to see you're still doing fine and all but please try to be less heartless it's really quite saddening to know that we're the cause of things."
"Tch."
"Seriously we're sorry but it's all for the best."

Today at Campus City the guy preached about not needing anything apart from your relationship with God. He's right. Nothing lasts. But that special relationship will last forever. If you hang onto anything else. Eventually it gets worn where your fingers were. And it'll crumble in due time. Relationships, clothes, handphones, money, everything. None of it will last.

Gone, like frank sinatra
Like elvis and his mom
Like al pichino’s cash nothing lasts in this life
My highschool dreams are gone
My childhood sweets are gone
Life is a day that doesn’t last for long


Btw I'm still happy. And I don't have a girlfrind la DENG! SEI KEONG.

"You're one messed up guy."
"I KNOW! DAHM COOL RIGHT!" ^^

That little snippet of last night's conversation has been on my mind a lot actually. If you're wondering Daniel Hon aka Bird said it.

And he's right? Everybody agree?

But he wasn't taken aback when I gave him the "V" sign. Shucks. I've just got no shock factor these days. Even Sarah isn't shocked by me anymore. Nucking Futs.

So I'm messed up. I used to be worse so I'm not bothered. I've even learned how to handle all the crap so I really don't care anymore. But I don't see why people are so buggered about it.

Chill la I'm fine seriously just sometimes I grow a bit wierd.

"You actually whine dahm lot."
"I know" [V]
"Which is dahm annoying."
[V]"Thats why I do it sometimes."

Still unfazed he continues on.

Ok la he's right. My voice tends to rise in pitch when I'm complaining but sinks like mad when I'm serious.

Ok la so I'll bitch less. I'll try to remember k? But you know la now exams happening so kinda strained. So yeah that explains the sudden increase in crap recently. Sorry guys.

But chill.......A NEW DAWN IS COMING! It'll be over soon. Once I get that long sleep I need....

"Happy?"
"What?"
"It rained last night."
"Oh yeah.....Right......."
"Yeah good enough. Sadly it didn't rain earlier though."
"Don't try to think about it next time. Just try to feel for it."
"Ok ok"

-----------------

New jacket!! DAHM HAPPY!!! I LOVE IT!!! MATERIAL DAHM SYOK!!!

Can't let go of it. So it's now draped around the back of my chair. And I lean back for comfort.....Mhmmmmmmmm........

Just used some scissors to take the dying skin off my leg again caused by last last week's accident. Scissors was sooooo sharp it cut my leg hair off. Ish.

And...........Finallly........................

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MA!- Yee Mun's birthday.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SZE MEI!- The person who tried to bluff me's birthday.

Your next meal is on me. Just wait and see I'll pay for it you can't escape!

Normally once in awhile la. If I type a blogpost thats too personal I just hit Ctr+A(select all) followed by the Delete key.

Bleh just spent the past half an hour before I decided to move my car doing that.

So I'm back in the library. Blogging before I start the econs dive bomb again.

"Go study la and stop blogging."

Sarah said that earlier today. Lol why la pressure to update ka?...

Bleh so ok it's the first day of the week so I don't have a headache to justify my blogging today...But just a break?...

:) Why not?

Bleh still gonna blog anyway. Now for all those who have seen the crazy crap unfold last year. This year's repeat performance begins again now.

Everything apart from the depression. But looks like the black eyes. Distractedness. Inability to look people in the eye when talking. Shyness. Photophobia(fear of light). Restlessness *footshaking*. Sudden chest grabbing due to sudden pain. All of it is back. I think. Most of it. But who makes a checklist anyway?

Bleh even the internal biochemistry is falling apart. Yucky. But in place of last years depression. Nightmares have taken the centre stage. Yeap. I'm getting more REM sleep. But more nightmares. REM sleep is important for learning so I'm not going to complain yet....but nightmares are just nightmares....at least I haven't seen her yet.....I would wake up screaming.

Since I sleep in the hall....Waking up screaming is NOT an option. At least till I move back into the room.

Okayyyy back to blogging now. I mean studying.

-----------------

If you were creeped out by the morbidity of this post....

Don't be it's just another effect of my studying plan. I'm still happy really not down and emo-emo maybe a bit less happy but still good. So Sarah you can stop worrying about me really. I'm still in one piece.

On a side note. Just screwed mechanics exam. So been laughing all for the last period.

[Handing in paper] "Forgive us teacher."

LOL!!!

On another side note. The return of Kington's junk jar is back! FUN GALORE!

Note: Visitors from my room are free to pilfer the jar. But prior notice to emptying it is a must.

Tired but don't feel like sleeping or doing any work.......

Kena cha through my chatterbox too. Not sure why the fella actually bothered to scroll all the way down too.

Been 11 days since I posted that and somehow things just sort of sorted itself out by falling into the place. I can't stop it now and things are going to happen.

Just goes to show again why the people close to me find it difficult to criticise my actions.

Such a cha just sort of rolls off the sleeves as maybe some angry person picking a fight or something. Even if the fella doesn't see my plan or thinks he/she sees my plan I never bother over these things because that response means....He/she's pulled the wool over his/her own eyes. Yawn. Weak punch.

Oh Pn Koh mighta been going to AC in case you were wondering. And yes I do get a kick out of emulating Jorrel.

http://www.basicinstructions.net/ Really funny site....Can imagine Wei Yew laughing or writing for them.

Just walked to my car and moved it to taylors.

Looks like I'm alone today....Time to hardcore la I guess. Since it's just me anyway I think I'll ignore dinner and have it much much later at 9. When they kick me out. And tell me to go home. And get a life. And to stop looking so dead.

Cool.

Been raining all day today here at coll so it's awfully cold....

The day began with me waking up early. And spending 10-20 mins of just rubbing sleepy tears.

Eventually I slapped myself together and got fresh enough to drive to coll. When I got there I spotted Wai Yen so I talked to her. Funny girl...

She borrowed my ID in the end to get into the library promising to give it back to me by 12.

So then it was off to class. Perfectly normal and fine....Until 11 smth. It FREAKING RAINED! Like uhhhhh....Thats gotta be cold...So off to handle stuff. Crossing the road with my bag over my head.(mummy always said at least keep your head dry to avoid fevers. Or was it bad hair?)

Shorts soaked. Water seeping through the top of my shoes too. Never mind la not really wet just the shorts only.

Had lunch then walked back. Then I was busy wondering what happened to my ID(silly me forgot to take down her number or ask her to miscall me) until I spotted Jia Hui(not sure how to spell)

This tall lanky stylish pretty friendly...Ok I should stop before people start shooting me again. Anyway yeah she provided me with her number but I think I mumbled too much though because...

"Hey you know Wai Yen right?"
"Yeah..."
"Can you give me her number? She has my ID."
"Oh hold on."
"01X-XXXXXXX"
"Thanks. Oh how do you spell her name?"
"Jia Hui."*extends hand in friendly gesture*
*stone x stone = Stone kuasa dua* "Oh hi. Sorry I meant how do I spell her name."
"W-a-i Y-e-n"(I think about there she figured I'm partially deaf)
"Thanks."
"You are?"
"Oh sorry. I'm Kington. Thanks for the number seriously. I need to go library later."

Then I crossed over walked to the lockers and called her then eventually I found myself standing outside at the guardhouse near the ATM talking to Sze Mei.

"You know right...It's pretty cold...It's just us under this shade here....With the pitter patter of the rain...."

I think she gave me the Uhh Why Are You Emulating Jorrel look there and then.

Finally Wai Yen came and I got my ID back and told her some stories again. Me being full of crap and all...

Suddenly Pn Koh turned up and glanced at me. I was kinda taken aback and I didn't really see her face but I kinda dug into the old memory bank and recognised her.

"Hi teacher!"
"Oh you recognised me I thought you only had eyes for pretty girls."
"She's taken!"

Cha tou....Wai Yen nearly had a fit I bet.(laughing fit)

So when I finally got back to class....I had to sit around and try to dry off. Yes that includes my socks. Bleh.

So whats next on the social obligation list? Apologising to Jia Hui for being so rude. Even Steph-the-back-her-car-up-into-me-3-times-in-a-day-anie said that I was dahm potong steam.

Oh well I'm dry now so it's HAMMER TIME! I meant math time...

Bleh feeling gassy.

Listening to Stop and stare by One Republic. Anyone looking for music should download this song. Everyone loves it. But the band is just wayyy to underground...

On a side note though. I finally understood the meaning of being happy even in the face of it all. I can't remember the name of the pastor who said it...But I believe in his teaching that we should be happy no matter what happens. Isolated, alone, cold, bleeding, ignored and unloved by others it really is still possible to be happy. None of that happening apart from the cold and alone but I'm oddly happy though thats important right? Oh I also forgot to lock my car but nothing went missing. So it's really something to believe in.

Ouhhhhhhhhh....Ehhhhhhhhh...........

Past few days been a bit odd. Suddenly my life has come into the limelight for gossiping pleasure. But relax la Sarah I think it'll blow over soon.

On a side note.....I've just realised that Sze Mei can actually respond and handle my extremely specific and wierd crap. She actually gets it I think....

.......Makes you wonder what the Jewish Jangle Jorrel actually talked to her about until she could handle my crap eh?....

Just finished my lan exam earlier today and.......Those really were tips....I kinda expected them to be answers....Might have trouble passing again...

Bleh and so it has come to the conclusion that I should abstain from getting a girlfriend unless the girl really wants it -_-

Gan(Jayden) asked me "Go after her la. Why not?"

Cannot la brother. Right after this I'm going to a UK university skarly she go to Australia leh? She'll feel sad and all and we'll only get 4 months together every year. Don't wanna make her heartsick la.

True la I do have plans but...Nah don't wanna repeat last year's fiasco.

Worried la what happens if she's really not interested anyway. She's either really good at hiding her emotions or not interested. Either way risky la. Need more hints. Then again my time here is limited anyway....

So me and mah Muse were squatting down in the breeze. Chillin' and discussing my next move. My main man said that we shoulda' do some waithin see if she makes any more hints. But jeez life would be just so much easier if she just said something.

Then he smacked me "Hey you mofo what about the other girl?"
"Uhhhh sorry la I really don't feel anything about her. I don't really know what she wants from me either with so little contact between us..."
"Haih....Sit tight first la. Play the waiting game. Try to talk to her more. Try to give her more chances to hint if she wants anythin."
"Can we stop squatting down yet? My leg hurts. How bout the bench."
"Oh yeah sorry."
"So hows the wounds?"
"Not healing"
"Whaddya mean?"
"I mean look at it. It's hardened and it didn't scab over there's just this whole clump of hard skin there."
"Relax la maybe it's trying to heal from the centre first."
"Oh well."
"Anyway gotta study la for exams"
"All the best"
"Thanks"

I still find it odd I can actually have these strange coversations with something that isn't really there...
Is it just a reflection of the fact that I'll never really be truly ever be sane again?

Lack of time to study...
Twenty four oceans

Twenty four skies
Twenty four failures
Twenty four tries
Twenty four finds me
In twenty-fourth place
Twenty four drop outs
At the end of the day
Life is not what I thought it was
Twenty four hours ago

Still I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You
And I'm not who I thought I was twenty four hours ago
Still I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You

Twenty four reasons to admit that I'm wrong
With all my excuses still twenty four strong

"You seen frustrated"
"Ya think? You can see inside my head so why bother asking?"
"It's only polite......"
"Point taken"
"Feel like talking?"
"Your eyes are open but you're in a position you normally fall asleep in yet you don't have your thumb to your chin in your usual thinking position."
"I'm just really annoyed and frustrated at the same time"

------------------------

Ok I'm typing this in the library...Ok you see right....If a hot chick is talking loudly enough to bother me....It's ok.....But if the girl is ugly.....Ok thats too cruel....rating 3/10....BRING ME MY GUN! MY HEAD SPLITTING GUN! MY I POP 1 INTO YOU YOUR HEAD IS SPREAD LIKE JAM ACROSS THE WHOLE CAMPUS!

Blogging resumes.

EH a girl caught my cold as a knife dipped in alcohol then soaked in ice water stare.

------------------------

"Your leg?"
"Yeap. It stopped working again. It won't stop bleeding either. And yet I had to walk so far, wait scratch that...Limp so far and so quickly today. And Wei Yew even scolded me for being late."
"Asscheek"
"Yeap. And I don't think Jorrel was too happy about his birthday celebration either."
"Relax la you tried your best. You can't always predict whats Jorrel going to think or do or like right? He's nearly as big as a mystery as you. Except that most of his past has been revealed."
"Good point...But rugilah I didn't quite enjoy it either too much of it being rushed and underplanned. Plus the massive in the red, Plus all I got to enjoy was the movie, Plus not eating for about 17 hours."
"You really do like eating..."
"Yeah I like eating more after 17 hours of not doing it."
"Point taken."
"Monyet la things didn't go well. Wound changed colour too. Now I'm eating about 9 pills after every meal!"
"SWEET!"
"They're not drugs!"
"Oh darn. No wonder you still look sober."
"Had no voice too was kinda like modulating the air coming out of my mouth to create sound."
"Isn't that how speech is performed anyway?"
"With effort smartbag."
":P"
"How you actually say that is beyond me..."
"I'm not really flesh and bone like you so duh."
"Go sleep la refresh your mind and refill your tanks."
"Ish sien la you know la frustrated cannot sleep 1."
"Then go listen to 30 Secs to mars la dahm anger relieving. It's like having someone else do all the screaming."
"Good point."

Tag from Steph/Yee Hwa (still can't make up my mind)"10 things I love."
Uhhhhhhhhhhhh Okayyyy 10 things I love........

1. Ni Zhi Dao ma Wo Xi Huan Kan Ke Ai de Guniang. I like looking at cute chicks. (Desmond don't freaking count as one ok Kim)
2. I'm a real bloody freak when it comes to bananas. I LOOOOVEEEE BANANAS SERIOUSLY! If it's plain. I like it. If it's chun I'll freaking marry it. No I'm not a monkey.
3. When I'm bored you can see me just plucking random strings on my guitar looking for the right sounds. I like doing that a lot just building melodies out of nothing.
4. I love the sound my camera makes that satisfying *click click* not the actual photo taking act particularly but the sound....
5. I love good conversation from the deep and well thought to the crazy.
6. I love small amounts of pain....Not like the pain I get from washing my wounds la but the little pricks of pain I get from a fresh wound. Not that I'm into hurting myself though.
7. I'm hooked on music. Underground wild mad mad music full of heavy beats.
8. I like staring at the stars. (company preferred though)
9. I love economics! And I've even got a nice fun teacher Ms Chian!
10. I love my friends. Duh if not I wouldn't do these tags.

Ok I tag..........

Suh Ming, Charlie, Cheeps(cause we know you like to talk about yourself), Sze mei, Li Yan(cause I think she beh tahan so many tags already), Lesley (cause I walked you to market), and all the people who read my blog and feel like doing this tag. Really sleepy right now can't think of everyone who as a blog you know?

Tag from Li Yan

Instructions: Paste the following on your blog and tagged people to answer the questions below. Have them tagged other people. Your tagged friends will answer the questions about you.

Ishhhhhhh difficult la skarly I get anything wrong she sure slap me 1.......

1. What is your friend's name?

Wong Li Yan

2. Jock, Geek, Prom King/Queen, Loner, Friendly, Flirtatious, Promiscous. Pick a word from the list that best described your friend.

No manly. So I put Friendly.

3. Choose 5 adjectives to described your friend.

Manly.(people used to say she more man than me)
Fast. (She shops dahm fast!)
Fun.(Dahm good sport in whatever we do)
Cheerfull.(rarely see her sad at all. Remember Li Yan don't cry turun harga la)
Open minded. (How many girls share dirty jokes with guys la?)

4. What colour do you think best associates with your friends?

I'm a bit colour blind la....But I think purple or black cause....I like black and I see you wear a purple dress a few times last time. But when we went out the other day you wear that fuschia dress though. Dunno le.

5. In 5 years time, where do you see your friend?

Across the table at williams yum cha with all of us lol.

6. Describe your friend's blogging style.
Lively sot sot and a lot of pics (bandwidth sucker)

7. Lastly I tag :

Steph ^^
Li Yan back lol.
Uhhhh Sze mei!
Suh Ming cause never kena tag before.
I think if I tagged any other people they might screw it up so never mind la.

-------------

Next up I hope I remember to write down that wierd story......

I'm in the library computer cluster section. Yes that glass paneled wooden section filled with only coms(and people) at the back of the library.

But for now it's just me and this ain't too bad looking girl in a pink jacket and a pink shirt and jeans and heels. You know those short heels.

Oh wait. She blogging on blogger too. She's spellchecking now.
Jeez I invade people's privacy so much.

*sidetracks*Oh there goes that pretty girl I bumped into on the way to the toilet at 5:30.
Maybe I'll get her number someday?

I think the blogging girl is pretty annoyed by the super loud sound emanating from the direction of my headphones.

Eh she's laughing to herself. *leans forward* Got a lot of question marks in her post....
I'd bet it's an emo post but she's laughing.

Bugger I shook my wrist and teryanked off my headphones. Said oops and then she looked....Feeling guilty....But still going to post this.

Suddenly for lunch today Yee Cheng brought along Rachel. Now if you guys didn't know Rachel is one of the top girls from CHS that I've seen so far......

So behind her back every guy at the table got a double thumbs up and a big ass grin. And we all traded conspirational looks.

Then we started to eat. Being the only one with a translator between the ears but no translator in the mouth I didn't say anything all lunch. Apart from "uhhh dunno what to talk la?"

I smsed Yee Cheng saying if he didn't introduce I'd be just shaking leg. Then he introduced me.

"Thats Kington. He likes you." In mandarin.

Bugger. Then he cooked up some love triangle and she had a good laugh. I can't speak la bugger! BUT I CAN UNDERSTAND MA!

Then during econs I peeked over his shoulder.....

To: Rachel

Stupid la you....Why you didn't choi my friend during lunch?....Now he
sad....

HOI BUGGER MONYET. Then he sent the message.

Dahm funny la! After when I met her again at Kiosk we talked about the messages and I found out she's single and everything. FORGOT TO ASK FOR NUM BUGGER.

Ish next time....

Oh chubby library lady said we should close up now. Bye Bugger Monyets.....

----------

Hooked on saying that.

Ok.....Now I know the whole world is going to expect a post that is purely filled with bitching about exams.

YOU'RE SO WRONG! Sorta...

I'm instead going to bitch and apologise.

Exams are too near. It's right around the corner. As a result I can't kau lui. Ish. It's not because I can't handle both. It's because I'm afraid I won't be able to be "the good hubby" and play a proper role in the relationship. You know la new couples need to hear each other's voice everyday of the week for prolonged hours.

But I'm under observation now. I'm pinned to the table. If I don't do well enough in my exams and I don't get a scholarship(even if a partial one) my tertiary education is under serious threat.

So for now I'm going to have to apologise.
I know you're interested.
I'm turning a blind eye towards you.
And I'm trying to push you away.

And this has to continue until at least until I can get my studies sorted out. So can you please give me 2 months? Then my first major examination will be over. Then we'll pick off from where we left off. I'm sorry seriously but this is my only option. But if you can't wait for me. Then I guess I'll just have to accept it.

I'm sorry I'm not telling this to you in person. Because I'm afraid of how you'll react.

I've never acknowledged it until now either because I'm not sure how I feel about you but I've noticed all your hints. I've never really returned any signals but yes I've noticed it.

If you're interested.......And willing to wait and all....Could you hint again?.......In your usual style.......

-------------------------------------------------

Ok..........I'm prepared for the "you're so perasaan la" flooding the chatterbox and the comments.

My counterpoint for that is...........None of you guys even understand me enough to predict what I'm doing. So where is your proof that I'm perasaan. Hell bugger, not even a psychic would be able to guess whats next.

Instead I'd appreciate some "go after her la", "you can do it Kington!", "don't worry you'll ace your trials and AS" like comments.

Next post: Li Yan's tag.

It's all grey in my eyes. No sharp images strike my retina. A hazy blur of pillars in a large and mostly empty mall.

My sight slides out of my body. I look at myself. I see myself in a black jacket with black clothes stylishly dressed but is it a coat or a jacket? The image is too blur.

I see a girl walking next to me. Her skinny frame as tall as mine just slightly taller though. The spring in her step even with the heels on indicate that she's happy. She's decked out in a green jacket black skirt with a dark coloured coloured blouse.

"Kington? You're dreaming again."
I'm back in my own head looking at her. She's staring at me quizzically. I smile and she knows I'm fine. I recognize her face. I met her in college. Just a friend from another class. The smile feels odd like I haven't tugged that special muscle at the side of my cheek for an eternity to carve that special smile.

"Let's go over there."
I nod and smile and we walk towards the shop.

She picks out a golden coloured handbag and tries it on as she does...I find myself slipping out of my own head again and I see the shop as a whole. Full of metallic gold coloured bags jewellery.

"I hope you don't mind following me around as I do my shopping"
"No I don't it's quite relaxing actually. Besides I get to see you trying on all sorts of stuff."

She smiles like she knows I'm just pretty much saying this so she won't feel bad for dragging me along.

I stare at the ceiling. It's so awfully far away and such an odd mix of grey and light blue.

I find myself wondering how we got here. Where did we park? How long have we been here? Yet as I can't answer any of these questions I don't feel at all troubled.

We leave the shop and I'm punching in an sms to a friend.

"Where should we go next? Who are you smsing?"
"I don't know up to you I guess. That was just a friend wanting to know something."

As we walk down the row of shops with my handphone in my right hand, she grabs it. She holds it as a couple would do. Her hand is warm and delicate in contrast to my calloused palms with dry cold skin and the hardness of my handphone.

I turn to her, and she says,
"Lets act as a couple for today? Why not? It'll be fun"
I don't say anything but chuckle and turn away. Secretly I know she's playing that this won't last. I begin to feel uneasy and everything turns a bit more grey.

We walk on for awhile and I realise she's having trouble holding my hand with my handphone in it and all.

"Hold on let me put my handphone back in my pocket before I drop it."
I slip it into my left pocket. Odd I never put it in my left pocket.

As we walk on I grab her hand just like she did earlier. But she pulls her hand out of my gentle grip.

She gives me a look that says "Ok maybe this is a bit strange after all?"
"Indeed it is."

We walk on for a few paces.

"I'm not here because you wanted anything right?"
She looks away. Her guilty look her guilt which hangs in the air. I can feel it even if I can't see her face.

"I'm just here because I'm convenient, patient, readily available and I can drive right?"
My voice still sounds normal but I realise that my face is a facade of ice.

She still doesn't look at me. But we've both stopped walking.

I find my vision sliding out of my body. I'm looking at myself from a distance. I'm looking at her with a cold stare. But she's looking away unwilling to face me it's unclear if she's crying or feeling extremely guilty. I find my heart pumping hard in my chest.

I hear a distinct chopping sound. Everything is fading.

5.........
4.........
3.........
2.........
1.........
Lights up. Eyes open. Brain get to work.

With a rush I'm breathing heavy. I hear my heartbeat. I sweep my hair back. I realise it's morning. I check my phone and it's 6:45. I feel my head clearing and I lie back down to catch hopefully 5 more minutes of sleep. If I was hoping to see more of her or just looking for sleep while trying to avoid that dream again I can't tell. But my world fades to black as my eyes close. And I dream no more of her and of that mall again. King of Hopes and Dreams, Nightmares and Fears. This is my fourth night with yet another false dream. I feel the warmth of my blanket. And I'm braindead again.