Today was Li Yan's birthday. I didn't feel like going cause I was still feeling out of the game feeling all screwed up and all but in the end I went and we had fun. Talked about life, joked till we teared and in my case drank till my lactose intolerant stomach threw a fit.

It was all great until I saw Her. The one whom relations have been a bit icy. But I guess even the ice has thawed a bit. Even when I felt that my heart had frozen over, when I learnt how to wear the icy armor that I've gotta wear to hide all other emotions. But that didn't help 1 bit.

I felt fear pump through my veins adrenalin flowed in, blood rushed about my veins, anyone really looking might have seen me form a few extra beads of sweat, but thankfully they were all looking at her.

I looked away. I couldn't look at her. She was dressed well and with a friend she met this year. But I couldn't look. I picked up all these details in a glance. I even noticed the male friend behind her. But I still couldn't bring myself to look.

My sight dimmed I felt nauseated slightly, my heartbeat sped up my breathing became deeper, my hands began to chill. All in the span of the time it takes the escalator to travel a few steps.

Finally I knew I couldn't hide everyone else was pointing and those that knew her gave their greetings. Me as Kington the one whos supposed to be friendly to both friend and foe had to look up. It just wouldn't pass as all my friends had announced her presence.

I summoned the energy pumping in me pulled myself together smiled and waved. My knees slid off their joints unused to me suddenly twisting my nerves after 2 weeks of no emotions absolutely. And my arm obeyed as I gave a stiff wave and a slightly twisted smile. No one noticed yet again. This time I think.

But when I had to wave to her friend. Zap! There it went. Sharp. Faster reactions than me. Hannah. Dahm she's good at it. I've still gotta learn. She frowned for a fraction of a second sensing my discomfort but she smiled her smile.

But I saw it too. Jeez were both so good at seeing these things. But we never discuss these things. Academically were both prodigies at this already. Another lie detector.

As she walked on I tried to resume the jokes but I was rattled things were shaken inside of me so I cracked a few and stayed quiet for awhile. And I heard my muse humming the tune of a song which Jorrel asked:

"So I guessed you've used this song? huh?"

Come and go now as you please
Your actions write the melodies
To those songs that we sing
And you just sing

And I finally found that life goes on without you
And my world still turns when you're not around

Is this the way you want it?
Is this the way it has to be?
Sitting here beside you
When my heart's lost in New Orleans
Dreams come clever
Hearts now severed
Deep inside forever
And I am lost there

And I finally found that life goes on without you
And my world still turns when you're not around
And I finally found that life goes on without you
And my world still turns when you're not around
And I finally found that all........

Your actions write the melodies
To the songs that we sing
Your actions write the melodies
To the songs that we sing
And you just sing along out loud.....

Now I'm actually awake blogging about it I can't sleep. I don't know why.

I flicked my cd player on and it switched to that song anyway. As the drumbeats failed I hit next and a familiar favourite of mine plays.

I like it's mournfull tune well sung by the singer. I don't understand the lyrics but I feel the emotions.

Sa buhay ko'y labis ang hirap at pasakit,
Ng pusong umiibig mandi'y wala ng langit.
A ng lumigaya hinango mo sa dusa,
Tanging ikaw, sinta, ang aking pagasa...

Then I think of today again. They were walking Yiyun with Chee Hoe in hand. Out of chance she looked right and said.....

Hey it's Edwina aren't you going to go and say "Hi"?

Already did my dear friend.....Already did.

I feel like Anton Gorodetsky from "Nightwatch" feeling the stab but knowing I have to let go.

And I know it's gone but the echoes are still strong and deep. I just wish that I could stop hearing these echoes. All I feel is the guilt for ruining a strong friendship now. And I guess I treasure every friendship too much.

I'm gonna listen to Hammock and see what happens. Maybe I'll sleep. Maybe I'll finally decipher their lyricless songs.

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I know I'm not allowed to date. Not allowed to take in any girl. But my sister broke the rules in form 2. And I've only stayed true to the rules never dating, only knowing how to have a heart for friends. So my dear sister of mine if you do read this and feel like you should reproach me. There's no point I won't feel a thing. I'm no longer pursuing. And it's not for you to comfort me. And on top of it all I know the risks carried by trying especially during a-lvls.