I wanted to shout into the skies "Is this fair?" "F*** the effort" "Must it always be done this way?"

And then he stayed suddenly.

I wanted him to leave.

I just wanted to not move.

Stare at the grain of the table.

Hear the crickets chirp their monotonous song.

Close my eyes and just float around on the noise.

As we talked I washed my hands with tea.

My nail just goes in tight circles around the centre of the table.

I don't want to think about it.

But as long as I'm sitting at this table I'm forced to consider things.

Soon he leaves. And it's just the 2 of us.

He says he wants to call someone. So I tell him to use my phone, it's postpaid.

He dials.

The person doesn't pick.

He uses his phone.

The person picks.

I move my chair over.

And all is silent apart from her saying hello and the chirping of a sea of crickets.

I find myself back in square one.

I'm back to hearing her voice again. Even if it's distanced.

"Kington says Hi too." he relays to her.

And I shift my chair away.

I wish I could re-enter my corruption status. The thing I left behind to help Sarah, the thing I left behind to help Peggy, the thing I left behind to help those who needed it most.

I feel it rising to the surface. I want to just grab it and fully utilise it right off.

I look at this guy across the table. I think of the guy who just left. I think of the people who I sacrificed and buried this stuff for.

They'll never even see or understand how I got it.

It would be so easy to just burn it all again and go back to scratch. Anything just to avoid the bleeding.

And then I realise we're both bleeding.

"It's a service to God." and I swallow it. I let the pain tear at me. If I take it on, I won't be able to feel the pain but I'd lose a lot of things.

I remember her voice. Shouting my name when she saw me the first time in months.

I wronged her. And it's unforgiveable. It's been so long. She won't even talk to me proper. Is she afraid I'd bare my fangs again? Ever since her and Lay Shu I tore it all out. Even if it was ragged. How it had to bleed. How it had to destroy a lot of what I was. I couldn't let it loose again.

"Sleep well." the conversation ends.

It can't be fair. I don't see how it's fair. The trade isn't fair. It's just not right.

But you don't always get a fair deal everytime. And surely there's something more.

I can't give up yet. I've still got things to do. Even if I bleed like a spigot this time.