I failed a subject
I failed.
Freak lah! I FAILED!
We turned right at the traffic light near the petrol stations to go to 1u and we saw a 4 lane roadblock.
I was pulled over yet again. And the guy told me I jumped a red light.
I told him I didn't. He said I did.
He said it was yellow when I crossed and it turned red. So I shouldn't have went.
I said it was green. He tsk-ed tsk-ed me and told me I'm wrong and told me to produce ID.
That was when I screwed up. No lah I did hand him my ID. But my next move was wrong.
I lost my ground when Bird said he wasn't sure if it was green. But I myself was very sure.
I let the man's body language get to me, I let my impatience get to me, and I let my feelings of self-defeat get to me.(I'm still not sure if I made the right choice for something quite major on Monday)
I knew he wanted a bribe. I could see it in his eyes. The way his hands drifted they seemed to eager. And I felt his avarice grabbing at me.
My mistake. My role is special in my work. I'm the one who reaches into other people's heads and tell them what to think. I control people when I'm working. But yet I let him run the show.
I found myself pleading with the guy for "tolong"
And I felt the pull. Every year at CNY or a family gathering. The family is full of businessmen in some trade or other. All accomplished at the art of parley. With a story or 2 to tell. Even as we were rushing home to get there in time for my grandfather's death, my cousin's driver slipped the officer a bribe for speeding at 160.
Suddenly I desired to join the ranks of a person who bribed. It quietly tickled me. But I held out I tried my best to avoid bribing. Asking the officer to let me go. Ampun.
But the greedy people threatened me with a 300 fine and a nick to my license.
The calculations ran fast.
Scenario 1
I challenge his claim. I stand my ground. I take him on and dare him to fine me.
Results: If he doesn't fine I walk away Scot free(indeterminate odds)
If he fines. I take a 300RM blow and my dad will make me pay up to half of it with my allowance. I can't afford to damage my finances so badly when I've just balanced my accounts.(He might or might not. This young officer was just looking for a quick buck, he was touching his rifle a lot absent mindedly meaning he was low of rank and never had much practical use to no use of it before. M16, A-class. Low ranker. Handle the rifle enough and you know not to pull the barrel when slung around your chest. M16s have poor durability.)
Scenario 2
I bribe. I grab as much pity as possible. Trying to act as poor as possible. But the guy knows I'm studying at Taylors. It's pretty obvious, that I'm not poor. With the car and all. And I stay in DJ. Housing blackhole for money. Second to TTDI and Tropicana only.
Results: I lose 20.
I chose scenario 2 since it had better odds. I ran the gauntlet.
20 is the minimum bribe in most cases btw. It's very hard to go 10 or under. Gotta seem REALLY poor. And driving a car. Not even the kancil. Suicide lah to ask for 10.
As I drove away. I felt the shame. The quiet gap. The lack of my passenger saying anything when he heard I bribed. Here was Bird. A Sunday school teacher. Seeing quite possibly his best friend bribe. And he knew every move every gesture for about the past 10 mins I did had been aiming at bribing. He knows I do that. The directing people's thoughts thing.
But I felt the burn. The displeasure of God for forgetting I had Him with me.
I never bribe. Ever. I always choose to suffer instead. I go through life refusing to take favours. I never bribed to get my license.
But I bribed so I could avoid potentially damaging my allowance.
I failed a test. The test was my honesty. The subject was my honesty.
As we reached the second traffic light. I told Bird how in ACTS church the pastor said "You know ah at ACA right they say Christians bribe the least. Christians rarely give bribes 1. Very hard to get a bribe from them."
I felt the shame burn multi fold. I just felt so burnt. I felt like just stopping the car and getting out to sit on the curb and beg for forgiveness.
People look up to me. People seek me to show them the way. People ask me to guide them. People ask me to teach them. People put their faith in me. People trust me with their lives. People ask me to guard them. People supplicate my counsel.
But yet I bribed.
-----------------------
I told my dad and he said I should just hold my ground. He said if they can't prove it they let you go.
My mom said serves me right and that 20 should be cut off my allowance. I paid for it with my own allowance already. And she said it's punishment for me going out late at night.
Apathetic. But I guess I've got no right to say that.
I guess I can't wallow in it. I'm about to get into the world of business anyway. But I've gotta learn from it and remember to hold my ground and never accept nor give any money anymore. Straight and honest.
Freak lah! I FAILED!
We turned right at the traffic light near the petrol stations to go to 1u and we saw a 4 lane roadblock.
I was pulled over yet again. And the guy told me I jumped a red light.
I told him I didn't. He said I did.
He said it was yellow when I crossed and it turned red. So I shouldn't have went.
I said it was green. He tsk-ed tsk-ed me and told me I'm wrong and told me to produce ID.
That was when I screwed up. No lah I did hand him my ID. But my next move was wrong.
I lost my ground when Bird said he wasn't sure if it was green. But I myself was very sure.
I let the man's body language get to me, I let my impatience get to me, and I let my feelings of self-defeat get to me.(I'm still not sure if I made the right choice for something quite major on Monday)
I knew he wanted a bribe. I could see it in his eyes. The way his hands drifted they seemed to eager. And I felt his avarice grabbing at me.
My mistake. My role is special in my work. I'm the one who reaches into other people's heads and tell them what to think. I control people when I'm working. But yet I let him run the show.
I found myself pleading with the guy for "tolong"
And I felt the pull. Every year at CNY or a family gathering. The family is full of businessmen in some trade or other. All accomplished at the art of parley. With a story or 2 to tell. Even as we were rushing home to get there in time for my grandfather's death, my cousin's driver slipped the officer a bribe for speeding at 160.
Suddenly I desired to join the ranks of a person who bribed. It quietly tickled me. But I held out I tried my best to avoid bribing. Asking the officer to let me go. Ampun.
But the greedy people threatened me with a 300 fine and a nick to my license.
The calculations ran fast.
Scenario 1
I challenge his claim. I stand my ground. I take him on and dare him to fine me.
Results: If he doesn't fine I walk away Scot free(indeterminate odds)
If he fines. I take a 300RM blow and my dad will make me pay up to half of it with my allowance. I can't afford to damage my finances so badly when I've just balanced my accounts.(He might or might not. This young officer was just looking for a quick buck, he was touching his rifle a lot absent mindedly meaning he was low of rank and never had much practical use to no use of it before. M16, A-class. Low ranker. Handle the rifle enough and you know not to pull the barrel when slung around your chest. M16s have poor durability.)
Scenario 2
I bribe. I grab as much pity as possible. Trying to act as poor as possible. But the guy knows I'm studying at Taylors. It's pretty obvious, that I'm not poor. With the car and all. And I stay in DJ. Housing blackhole for money. Second to TTDI and Tropicana only.
Results: I lose 20.
I chose scenario 2 since it had better odds. I ran the gauntlet.
Boleh tolong tak.
Bagaimana nak tolong? Lu cakap lah.
Ampun?
Bagaimana nak ampun?
.................
Lu cakap lah kamu nak buat apa.
Boleh belanja ah?
Belanja berapa?
Saya miskin lah hanya ada 60 untuk tahun ini saya takkan dapat allowance lagi.
Kamu nak belanja berapa?
20 boleh?
Boleh lah. Kamu balik kereta dulu.
20 is the minimum bribe in most cases btw. It's very hard to go 10 or under. Gotta seem REALLY poor. And driving a car. Not even the kancil. Suicide lah to ask for 10.
As I drove away. I felt the shame. The quiet gap. The lack of my passenger saying anything when he heard I bribed. Here was Bird. A Sunday school teacher. Seeing quite possibly his best friend bribe. And he knew every move every gesture for about the past 10 mins I did had been aiming at bribing. He knows I do that. The directing people's thoughts thing.
But I felt the burn. The displeasure of God for forgetting I had Him with me.
I never bribe. Ever. I always choose to suffer instead. I go through life refusing to take favours. I never bribed to get my license.
But I bribed so I could avoid potentially damaging my allowance.
I failed a test. The test was my honesty. The subject was my honesty.
As we reached the second traffic light. I told Bird how in ACTS church the pastor said "You know ah at ACA right they say Christians bribe the least. Christians rarely give bribes 1. Very hard to get a bribe from them."
I felt the shame burn multi fold. I just felt so burnt. I felt like just stopping the car and getting out to sit on the curb and beg for forgiveness.
People look up to me. People seek me to show them the way. People ask me to guide them. People ask me to teach them. People put their faith in me. People trust me with their lives. People ask me to guard them. People supplicate my counsel.
But yet I bribed.
-----------------------
I told my dad and he said I should just hold my ground. He said if they can't prove it they let you go.
My mom said serves me right and that 20 should be cut off my allowance. I paid for it with my own allowance already. And she said it's punishment for me going out late at night.
Apathetic. But I guess I've got no right to say that.
I guess I can't wallow in it. I'm about to get into the world of business anyway. But I've gotta learn from it and remember to hold my ground and never accept nor give any money anymore. Straight and honest.
