Someday I'm gonna go out to the country
I'll drive til the highway ends
Chasing after picture perfect sunsets
To take away my breath
I'm tired of living in the city
The world's got me tied on a string
Wanderlust has overcome me
Like Lewis and Clark I'll dream
There's a million different ways to go
Only God can know where I will call my home

Love lead me on
No one else has gone
Faith keep me strong
Love lead me on

The open road can be so lonely
I'm longing for someone to love
If only I could share my new surroundings
Open the doors above
There's a million different ways to go
Only God can know where I will call my home

Love lead me on
No one else has gone
Faith keep me strong
Love lead me on

Faith keep me strong
Love lead me home

I'm lost.

I'm not sure what I'm doing. I'm in new territory. A place I don't recognise anything. Everything that I've learnt in theory. The stuff I never expected to happen has happened.

I'm at a crux.

Being quiet will bring me nothing but silent frustration.

But to speak up would lead me either back to the sufferings that made me who I am or it could bring me higher above what I am.

Does the state I am define what I am? Define the perils I will have to endure the rest of this already predetermined lifespan?

Or is it a glimpse of the futures that I can achieve?

All of it is uncertain. Except that I am at the crux.

"What is my next move?" in a simplistic way of asking.

"What tactical positions and stances I should assume?" is the way I'm asking it.

All the problems piling higher. Even as I pick plans for the current ones. More keep pouring in. My problems. And other people's problems. Those who I am duty bound to help.

Even as I relish my new found abilities and applications of them...I can't help but take a deep breath and wonder if I'll make it through.

All these problems. All beyond my physical age. Crazily difficult. But not impossible. Problems most of my peers haven't even dreamt of before. But I'm glad I had the chance to meet those who have solved them.

I wouldn't be able to make it through without the "nightmare testing".

But even so it's impossible to be sure of what I'm doing.

With no one around to help. No parents can help me. No sister to help me. I never got that brother I wanted. No cousins. No aunts no uncles. No friends.

Alone.

But I'm never truly alone.

Listening to God. I've only heard something once so far. And even then who knows for sure? But I trust. And I hope and wait for the answer.

Love lead me on. Faith keep me strong. In the days to come.

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I had 3 nightmares last night alone. And I sleep with little more than mattress and a bed sheet now.

Susah sia. And yes I'm all right at the moment. Just a little nagged.