As I walked to my car. With the sunlight reflecting of the winshield causing glare to flow into my eyes blinding me.

I thought...Aiseh I hope it starts on the first try.

And that it needs a wash.

Then I unlocked the car door. No remote so it's done from the driver's side. Then I saw...No right ear mirror.

*blink/stoning blink*

The ear is intact worh. WHAT LA AIYOH SO VAIN UNTIL NEED TO STEAL CAR MIRROR MERH?

Then I played with the mirror adjuster.

With no other car to drive I took it to coll anyway. No mishap. But I had to have Xinhuei as a spotter in the car on the way home though.

--------------------------

I got into the car. Then I looked right. Eh why my car ears folded in arh?

Then I looked at the left side.

Aiyo some smart bugger school kid musta thought it was funny to fold it in.

I tried using the motor function to unfold it. But it just whined in the casing of the ear.

So I wound down and gently pushed it open.

Then I played with the motor.

Creepiest noise came out from the right side ear.

But it works lah at least.

Sadly it's loose now by about 10 degrees both in and out so I have to keep adjusting it everytime I get in.

Unfair lah both cars also kena @@

ARGH CANNOT TAHAN!

YOU PEOPLE MUST LISTEN TO "THE LESS, LOUD MACHINES"! THE ALBUM!

THATS MUSIC!

A Dream Too Late sounds pretty good too.

---------------------

"Eh we gotta walk in a circle. Follow the path you know? So the energy is maintained."
"You mean the EnerChi arh?"

---------------------

Had a strange at first super crazy then suddenly dead serious and in the person's own words "sober" talk.

Learned quite a lot.

----------------------

Having a suddenly inflow of a lot of good music. Nice. Ear candy.

"You've got Sarah still want more arh?!" The sound goes high. Echoing gently in the orange sunlight. Loud and with a unique frequency that stands out from the other voices in the crowd. Simple. Sharp. In a plaintive teasing tone. Echoing off the pink walls and the cars parked around us. With a background noise of the collective murmur of the crowd, the sweet whisperings of the couples on the benches and the rustling of the trees in the wind.

He's talking to Fang about Sarah Poh.

(Gotcha wei! Just had to do it! And now on to the cost of dreaming. Eh Sarah don't whack me for this. Sorry. But it's worth the idea.)

---------------------------------

"That's so sweet." A flicker a shot of a close friend saying it.

And it rolls over into complete darkness.

I'm sitting at my computer. I'm typing in URLs.

I type in Lesley's and I read a post. I skip reading the date. But I see and itinerary and I read it just a bit and I jump through looking for anything interesting.

I type in Henry's and I see there's no update. I scroll up and down and read the chatter box. Nothing's changed either

And I type in Sarah's and I see there's no update either. No new comments either. And I remember what time I slept last night.

No one can update at that time.

Strange. I never type in the URLs. I can't. It's difficult just trying to remember the spelling for Henry's.

It rolls off to black.

And then it rolls in.

Quick glimpses of details. Of things to come. Of things of the people around me. I think I see a wrecked car. I feel a rotten brake underfoot.

And then comes the past.

A repeat of things which have happened. I see Sarah. I see Bird. I see the Nother. Things flicker and shift but all the while keeping that blue coloured tint of memory ploughing.

Then I see the repeats of dreams which have become reality at some point. The McD. The paper. The pen.

I wake up. I feel the bitter cold. I close my eyes again. And images leap at me.

I roll out of bed. I take a leak and I look into the sink.

I let go of the sour spit that was building in my mouth. I wash my face and see the water swirl down the hole. I'm mostly at home at home with no one to talk to. But not like I'd fully reveal what I saw anyway.

I rinse my face again.

I don't have a clock to tell me when things are coming. I don't have a timepiece to tell me when to move. I don't have a watch to tell me precisely when things happen when they do.

I just use the pendulums.

All I can do is hope I'll know how to react when they do come.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I drop dem' knives onto the floor. They go clink onto the floor.

I take my seat and she's using the computer. I wait for her to get out the thing she wants me to do.

When she's done and she leans back, I rest my hand loosely on the mouse. It's small cool and plastic.

I flip through the pages on the screen reading quickly.

She rests her hand on top of mine as I hold the mouse steady as I'm just reading the screen.

I look at her and she just places her fingers in the nook between my forefinger and thumb and curls them her fingertips touching the edge of my palm.

She squeezes gently.

I smile and continue clicking away.

----------

She's very close as I'm reading the details rolling across the screen. Bored she leans her head on my shoulder.

I whisper something to her. And she looks me in the eyes and I just smile.

She rests her head against my shoulder again and I turn my attention to the screen yet again.

But I find myself not paying attention to the readout.

I find myself just enjoying her warm touch on my shoulder.

I touch her cheek with my hand.

--------------------

I'm leaving in a car. I'm driving with a team member in the car with me. The black car rolls out across the area with the usual music playing gently in the background.

We're both bored just watching the scenery pass by.

He's lost in his thoughts.

I'm thinking about her even as I'm setting up some equipment. And her warm touch on my skin when I didn't the heavy stuff I'm wearing now.

--------------------

I keep things into my pockets. And I turn and ask the nearest person where is she.

I scale the steps 3 at a time with light grace as I don't want to go stomping up the stairs.

I find her on the uppermost landing it warm orange light. And I sit next to her.

She edges closer to me until our shoulders press against each other.

I turn and look her in the eyes.

And I whisper sweet nothings for her to hear. As she just listens and smiles.

---------------

The offload nearly tears my head inside out. The switch and the upload of the information. The record of yesterday pours into my head. For a fraction of a second I'm heavily disoriented.

I turn on the sonar in my head. I pass the ambient sound over the whole room sweeping it giving me a view of everything. It's tinted blue and I know it's because my eyes are shut.

My blanket is draped over my left hand. But the rest of me is bared to the elements.

Still refusing to open my eyes I recall last night's dream.

I smile. Then I realise it's just a dream.

With the blanket around my fingers I touch the corners of my closed left eye. To wipe them away.

---------

The cost of dreaming.

The high price of it.

----------------------------------------------------------------

Peculiar. Could use a bit more touchup for this. Oh well just gonna come back and fix things later.

Sigh gonna sleep early. Don't wanna wake up late for coll anymore. And it would be kinda embaressing if I got into a transport deal with Xinhuei and she kept having to wake up her driver everyday.

The genius kid that never says anything no matter how odd the stuff I fling at her would probably finally get pissed.

It's in 2 parts. And there was an edit because of a mistake in my writing some things don't fit right.

Amazing how people can put your life into perspective.

I woke up REALLY late today, quickly settled everything, packed my bag and drove to coll.

And I smsed my friend and got an expected reply. Much later during coll I got another expected message.

Sigh. Alright didn't get my hopes up anyway.

Then I made my first mistake for the day. I received an information request wayyyyy late last night. I made a mistake. Wow a definitive source of information losing the thread and getting the info wrong and missing on top of that. Got chastised over the phone.

Ordinary lunch.

Then went to the cafeteria.

Sarah Lim was doing some SAT stuff and then I noticed....Midge.

Talked for a bit. And read Sarah's SAT vocab cards. Ok lah my vocab. Then Sarah started asking me to describe some words. I messed up a few and had difficulty explaining them to her. Strike 2. Deng.

Then I spoke to Stephanie Tan. Really gotta thank her. She's provided me with a ladder out of this problem I've had for donkey long. Woot. And when I talked to her...I found where I dropped the rope. Where I dropped the links. Now I can get back on track. Fuh amazing how you talk to some people and the un-stuck your head.

Then she asked me a maths question. I actually taught her M3 for thinking skills questions last year.

But suddenly I knew nuts. I couldn't do a single question right. I was more redundant than anything. I couldn't even check her sums. I became a wooden stick. Yer. I guess it's time I picked up the pieces and viciously maul my A2 subjects if not I won't survive this...Gotta focus.

Aiseh.(nah my famous word right? heh)

Then I drove home and I couldn't seem to overtake this guy. He kept giving me face I could tell but I just couldn't seem to overtake him. I couldn't find the turning point for my car so I just plain couldn't. Wow sadness I've even lost some driving skill.

Then I sent sis to ss2 got home and was playing dota for about 3 mins till I got a call. Died right out when my teammate did something REALLY stupid.

Then 2 people left the game. And I suddenly realised the importance of the call. I quit the game in the end.

Amidst the shouting from my mom, my sis and my dog's barks...I did my best to listen to everything and tried my best to help. (I hope I helped enough.) I've never had a phone call so long in such a long time since I called Sarah last year and even then it only lasted 20 mins.

But I felt that I hardly did nuts. Wow I've fallen from grace. The guy who Violet and Emily turned to for help is long gone too...

I sent my sister off back to UK.

And as I was walking back to the lift I pulled out my hand phone and read an sms about seasons. Thanks.

In the car on the long drive back home I didn't say anything to my mom so the car was totally quiet. Apart from my music playing on her radio.

I thought about things. I'm accountable for my history but my performance is shown by my present.

And my present is a lil under-performing. I've gotta get things back on track fast. Because I'm about to get into heavy work soon. I can feel it coming.

This is just a wake up call. Not to trod on me while I'm in the dirt. And I actually feel inspired by such a day to take up the wings again and soar. Like I once did before.

Just like what was expected when I was first crafted.

----------------------

Right person wrong time. They ring hard. Tapping me on the shoulder and giving me a sucker punch.

Yeah right person wrong time. It means a lot.

A clue. An indication. And it sinks like 2 super concentrated drops of acid through my skin burning me through.

Double stab.

The first I notice because I've been reviewing something non-stop ever since I talked to someone in the afternoon. And I realise I made another mistake. A bad move.

I hope not. I wish it isn't so. But I don't think I'll know. But the phrase..."words have power" rings in my head. Me and my trap...

I've dropped my very own blades on myself.

And I realise I've picked the right shield. Because if I didn't I'd be weeping with my head in my hands.

Then I realise the other stab.

The right person at the wrong time. Had it been nearly a year ago when I was just picking my tools it would have been the right time.

Had it been close to a year ago when I was switching my resources. It would have been the right time.

Made so close. So parallel. So compatible. Just right. Almost everything is the same.

So comparable. Nearly the same and complimenting each other nicely.

But the time is wrong. I picked some of the other set of tools to diversify myself. I picked up the other helmet. The other greaves.

But the inner things in me still shine through. And I've realised what I'm missing out on. But somehow with what I'm headed for now...I don't regret anything.

Even if I pass on what I have now...I won't know for sure what could've been. I feel the loss. But then again there's nothing in wondering what today might be like if I did yesterday different.

As a man of my craft. Holding my tools high. Working and toiling for God's plan. Taking every cut and blow as a frontliner. And trying to catch his flow and push it the way he wants. While trying to avoid getting swept away.

As a man who's main tool is strategy. I can only plan and hope I don't make any more mistakes.

But as I quote..."How do you make God laugh? Tell him your plans for the future."

----------------

I've screwed myself. The damage has finally surfaced. I want to hit myself for it.

But there's no point. I was only the trigger. I just touched the detonator. I can only hope I didn't cripple myself.

But I can't say it's unfair. I bet my other brother is complaining if it's unfair too. But bro I hope you leave this to me. And follow your future not your past.

Gotta move my resources back though. Confusion. Sigh.

Last last Sunday ended on a good note. With a nice convo with Sarah. And a super encouraging one from Pui Yean("You've had all the bad days for the quota so you can have the good days after this!") Thanks Yean!

The whole week before that was just buried in crap lah. I spent the whole time after Henry's party ber-emoing around.

Then Sunday put a little ray of sunshine into perspective.

But sigh sadly someone turned me down for lunch on Monday. -_- Never mind lah expected also.

So I ended up going off to try and get my passport made. But I forgot to take my passport sized photos and my birthcert. ("Kurt say IC!" "passport!")

Realising that there's no point going back and forth...I hopped off to fetch Lesley and her friend for hanging about till about 7 smth. About 3 hours were spent stoning and crapping actually. Then went for dinner with Emily followed up with Bob with Bird, Penyu and Emily. Found Xinyi in the morning and found out I could scare her.(she's super hard to locate and I need her for something) AMAZING! NICE! WOOT!

Good day.

Tuesday first day of coll. Was fun getting my feet wet again.

Wed was also a fun day but it was pretty long. And oh I found Xin Huei in taylors for the first time. Need her for something as well. Dad left for Bangkok. Fragged 2 good games in coll. Slept late betting and all with the 2 guys after fragging.

Thurs I think I bummed around the whole day but went out to do crap anyway. Mom left for Bangkok. Got to sleep on the masterbedroom's bed. But slept at 4. Woot first taste of a bed in close to a month. No I didn't lick it.

But I froze my butt off no blanket.

Friday I froze over. No blanket again but super cold. I woke up to Lesley's sms (THANKS WEI REAL LIFE SAVER!) Got up put everything together. Went off to coll. After coll friday rocked lah. But at night was just the usual fragging. And I figured out the heat problem for my com.

Sat I went to Pasar Seni with Bird. And we bought a kite for Benaiah since he was leaving Malaysia. Wau! Bird super suck at bargaining. But hey it was fun.

Sunday, said farewell to Amanda. Sniff will miss you Panda! Then I went to church and had lunch with the subang/klang huddle group. Came home and my parents were home. Went to Viet Kitchen in 1U with aunt and my cousin who was brought up from Johor. Good dinner. But I felt like something was wrong. I didn't manage to perform my function in the morn after all...And turns out my shoe is beyond repair...So the week ended on a bad note for me.

Sigh and I also started swearing again. I quit last year because I knew I was going to hang out with Sarah a lot more and swearing in front of her seems very wrong...

Alright alright gotta fix things before the week is over.

And I've got a blog post readied but uncompleted. Gonna be a few days before it comes up. Trying to add Malaysian flavour to my writing.

Oh also quite happy cause I managed to shift some resources last week. Difficult but sooooooooo worth it!

Downloaded The Less and Grey Holiday too! Was a super super happy week!

Supposedly when I'm pissed it feels a lot like acid spill.

Scalding and burning things everywhere. Burning up little shrubs from their miserable lives. And scalding a few unfortunate souls. But no one was disfigured luckily.

But supposedly when Xinyi gets pissed she stares you in the face you lose a bit of hair, some small critters die and insects just die in the general blast zone everywhere.

Oh yeah temperature drops by 20 too while you're feeling hot under the collar simultaneously. She's good...And I'm jealous.

Well supposedly while under this roof there are penalties for lashing out and doing anything.

So normally I ber-emo in my own room trying hard not to swear or I try really hard to read the Bible(reading it takes a lot of effort and concentration and time when I'm pissed because of the plain way I was made)

But wow. This night is really testing my patience.

I was alright till my friend dropped the bomb of false hope on me. Twice. I was already well insulated for the first blow. Stared at my foggy little crystal ball for a good part of my free time guessing things and it popped up. So I just chilled first. So when the news came I dodged backwards and smiled thriumphantly because I didn't get slapped. Then I leaned forward with a smirk on a face. Then for "wed" I had a drop of hope. Then Life the nasty guy I live with, did a backhand and splattered that smirk of mine all over the wall on the left.

First time I was well prepared lah cause I kinda expected it already. But kawan...The second time lah it was like getting slapped by the back hand of fate. I know it's not your fault and all but..."wah" is the best and all I'll say. But then again quite used to you potong-ing my steam...

Then round 2. Sis wanted to tell me mildly interesting stories but it's a lot like the stories that people tell and you go..."you didn't know that?" but I was feeling snappish. So I said "who asked?" heheh high 5 Rachel if you see this.

Sis didn't hear it though. So she told her donkey story anyway. Which is fine and all till she went..."Kington listen to my story lah. Very interesting."

By the blessing poured on me please give me the strength to handle crap. WOW NICE LAH SISTER JUST BLEW THE ENDING FOR A SHORT STORY I'M READING. AND WOW FANTASTICALLY BEFORE I FINISHED THAT SENTENCE ALL THE ENDINGS FOR THE SHORT STORIES IN THAT BOOK.

Deep breath. 1....2.....3.....4......*holds temples* *closes eyes* *scrubs face with a coarse palm*

And dad wanted me to settle his 3G/messages setting problems for his handphone. Which involved calling Maxis about 5 times tonight alone. And the whole time my dad would sarcastically say "And I thought you said you were the smart one?" everytime I had to call them again or tell him the latest turn of events. Not to mention the fact that I haven't done my homework and I should have went to sleep about an hour ago. In the words of Keong "sweet" heh.

Cleansings breaths yeah...1.....2................3........FOUR LAH.......*holds temples* *closes eyes* *pinches bridge of nose*

Oh yeah not to forget service with a smile. Like adding insult to injury weih.

But kinda yay it's working buahahaha I've got the skills and the thin hairline patience of keeping the fire 1mm from the surface to get the job done. Woot. I'm running off the 3G connection from the handphone for this.

But I guess it's just a build up. Sorry wei Sarah I'm really not angry at you seriously. Just a lil dismayed. And you know how much I really don't want to scold you or unleash any form of wrath...

And the buildup...carlosttherightwingmirrorsoIcouldn'tcutrightdrivingtocoll today some guy stole just the mirror leaving the whole ear intact but removing the mirror,late for coll(woke up sooo late lesley got up before me),no proper room to prep for coll,forgot to load a cd in the cd player,crazy jam on the way to coll,forgot to charge handphone knowing perfectly well I had a very very necessary phonecall to make that day,sis decided to get frustrating asking for my cousin's number again and again and again repeatedly and asking me if I'm sure and being too lazy to call my aunt who would for 200% without a doubt have the number,asked classmates if they wanted to shift our class on friday so we could go home at 12 and so I could go to HELP CF to see the Rainbow and my other friends there, got a no for that,had 2 seperate hours of frustrating further math...,drove home without the right mirror once again,came home wanted to play dota but sis wanted me to do crap for her, got to play dota in the end but ended up having 2 crappy games, went for gym(massive tax on willpower truthfully), saw bittergourd chicken on the table, had to help cous move stuff even though I super badly needed to deliver stuff to Kein Yew and take a bath, lost water pressure during my bath, a niggling thing that can push me to yelling point everytime I think about it and Oh I'm hungry. And oh my shoes are irrepairable.

But all that didn't matter actually. I just let bygones be bygones was fairly pleased after the water pressure came back. Was kinda happy actually.

Then you tak jadi come -_- how long lah has it been since we last talked? Was super looking forward to it and all...

But oklah things were sill pretty good today. I asked for a spotter to replace the missing mirror and Eswhy even went so far as to say she'd be willing to stay till 3 just to help me out. Wow I'm touched. Eswhy actually agreed. Xin Huei did the job in the end. Had a fairly good lunch. Found a super chun chu yuk fan shop the guy moved actually. Thanks to Edwyn for that. Good physics lesson. Xin Huei might be able to drive in the morn and afternoon back and forth while I rest if she gets the license fast enough. Managed to fight for the Sentra back tomorrow. Nice. Lifted 15 kgs using only 1 muscle. Even that surprised the trainer a lot. Mom fetched me home too. Saw the Turtle too. Mike is also being a real bud trying to get me tell the rest of the story. A fun relay of smses between me and a friend and a really really touching goodbye in a phonecall. It was so short but when I put down I just had to go "Wow!"(I don't think you know who I'm referring to but I just had to say thanks anyway really made my day halfway) Managing to catch Xin Huei in the cafeteria before class started. Finding out that I might be taking on 2 permanant passengers again finally. Finding out I might get a source of cash soon. Well needed with 4 diff birthdays coming. I've got a chance to reach full potential now. Finally talking to Sue Wei again ^^ And God still loves us.

Hopefully tomorrow is a better day. Seriously wei. Another day like this and you'd see me trying to abuse the full skill set with Keong's parang.

----------------

And everyone give a huge round of applause to Lesley for passing driving. Congratulations again! (But you still don't get to drive me.)(No way!)

Had a lot of questions about myself answered. Somehow the guy just knew all I wanted to ask. Even said it all before I asked.

-----------------------

"You are the hope so let no tears fall"

A chunk of a litany. It surfaced only recently. Sadly it didn't come with the title of it. So it's still a mystery whats the title of the whole thing. But more and more pieces are appearing. Sometimes it comes in a rush of them. Sometimes it's slow.

Whats the meaning of it?

A person once asked when was the last time I let the tears flow. Let emotion tear out of me from the eyes weeping and showing the emotion fully.

It's rare for me because of all the adjustments. Emotion isn't something that comes easy sometimes.

But to weep. It's difficult.

Not because I lack the componenets to do so.

It's because I'm not allowed that luxury. For the pieces to continue fitting I can't.

Being part of the best hopes for mankind. Akin to a shining light in the darkness. As inspiring as a cripple walking.

Having joy in the pits and tight fights of life. My life the one with the harder fights and stronger nightmares.

As long as I keep it under wraps and I can show that managing it isn't a problem...There won't be a problem.

I can keep providing the faith. The hope.

But seeing the other side of my coin only leads despair. If I can lose hope and faith. A lot of people would give up. Because it just shows even the shining example can screw up. With that every other candle help in hope would be blown out.

Keeping the all important tools and skills running at peak performance is the best way to avoid problems.

But now I'm begining to find inadequacy....But I will persevere because I'm the hope.

----------------------------

"Hey I heard thats coming. Aren't you going to help out Sarah this time?"
"I can't that little bit is out of both my control and my reach."
"Still quite amazed you managed to pull that off last year. Quite amazing."
"I do try."

So yes for once I'm finally useless in the face of a problem. Sigh. Time to go get cracking on building more stuff.

I've lost touch. Ish. All I do is just plain stare off into space.

Even driving I just stare off into space.

Back from coll. Stare, answer Eswhy's questions. Stare. Tap steering wheel to the beat of the music.

To Damansara Heights. Stare, tap wheel to the beat of the music. Stare.

To Bangsar Village. Stare, try my best to talk crap(mixed results from the sleep deprived mind) and once again tap the wheel....Stare.

The problem is ordinarily when I'm staring off into space I'm normally thinking. But nowadays it's just mindless gaping. So vegetative...*stares blankly at the screen for a few secs*

Oh yeah right. I was blogging.

After all the sleep loss I'm even gesturing more now. And the only gestures I actually made in Thailand was "how much?" and "piss off you're too expensive". Now I'm waving like a magician formulating sigils and seals in the air trying to build a wall of solid gold. *leans back and sees the randomness* *shakes head*

Crap talking is at all time low though. Sigh alright gotta go see Jorrel about whacking the dents outa my crap. Sarah isn't around to really replenish it anyway. The crap has finally lost it's substance leading to a lot of "Ok....what were you trying to tell me again anyway?" Sorry about that...

So I do a lot of out of whack things when I'm sleep deprived. Sigh. Getting in on the years eh?

So whats keeping me up?

Lots of things actually.

Going backwards. In not exactly chronological order...

Yesterday's blog post took 3 hours to write. About there lah. Cause Kurtwin kept bugging me over his personal statement causing my already sleep deprived head to lose it's train of thought. Then I'd struggle looking for my rails. Have some good peace thinking then he'd ask something or whine about how he can't seem to fill his cap. But hey been there. Can't say anything.

2 days before I was playing dota and making bets with Kurtwin and Bird. Stupid stupid stupid bet. Yer how could I agree to it. Sigh.

The day before that working for dad again.

The day before that that I was packing for coll or smth. Hm....

Oh whats keeping me up tonight? I gotta teach Kurtwin and Bird how to fill in their UCAS applications...I sooo wanna sleep badly. Yer later Lesley wake up earlier than me again. *groans* *scrubs face with a coarse palm*

Still a long way to go before those fellas finish it too.

bull says:
date u put wat ah
bull says:
king date for the alvl u put wat
Kurtwin says:
...
bull says:
king afk...

bull just sent you a nudge.

Shattered lense says:
what?
Shattered lense says:
date?
bull says:
yes date
Shattered lense says:
date I put SAM girls
bull says:
i dun wan to date u though

bull says:
woot nice one
Shattered lense says:
sex i put "not getting any"
bull says:
say getting some lah
Kurtwin says:
sex ur sis n mom will put F
Shattered lense says:
i'm honest
bull says:
well duh
Kurtwin says:
they got an F for sex
bull says:
eh dun delay pls
Kurtwin says:
@@
bull says:
u got an M so dun complain
Kurtwin says:
lol

Shattered lense says:
kurt say ic!
bull says:
uc
Shattered lense says:
crap
Shattered lense says:
dunno what to say di
Kurtwin says:
ic
bull says:
memnay
Kurtwin says:
wooops
Shattered lense says:
i wanted to put it on my blog
bull says:
memang
bull says:
...
bull says:
damn mo liu
Shattered lense says:
lets try again
Shattered lense says:
kurt say IC!
bull says:
uc
Shattered lense says:
shutup bird

Bei! BEI BEI BEI!



Oh nice song from Double Take.

A large chunk of my downloads are stagnating at the moment so it's kinda sad lah.

I can't finish my language files. And after a month it's only reached 30+ percent.

Pimsleur which I'm so greedily downloading 7.25 gigs is crawling along so slowly...When I see 10 I jump for joy till I get stuck...just like the torrent is stuck at 99 hours 99days and 99 mins to go...

Fsi is also kinda slow but it's 64.9% and 13 hours to go so it's all right.

Daywatch has constantly good speed but stagnating in queue at 20.3%.

Running with scissors stuck at 0. Too much other stuff to download for now.

Rodrigo y Gabriela also stuck at 0...

However a Secret Garden album crawled in through the gaps today. The album from 2007. Not the stuff I wanted to listen to while doing my online pysics exam.(got owned by the paper)

Sercret garden discography1.7 % I'd have to say I'm quite impressed.
White stones 3.7% And Dreamcatcher 24.4% 6kb/s 5 hours to go.

Sigh supposedly lah. Fabled myth lah. Cor Win figured out ages ago how to proxy his downloads. Including the torrents. Crazy speeds. It just ends up constantly 120kb/s....Consistently.

But when I ask he ask me to fly kite. Sigh.

I opened the painted metal box.

Only 2 people have the key to this. Primarily the other owner just stores his stuff here. Me being the other just uses it as a stop over point for stuff I'm moving to and from this place. Basically just cutting weight from my bag.

It's dark. The sad halogen tubes provide most of the light here. I'm all alone here looking at the metal box with it's orange face.

The only other sounds are crickets in the far off distance playing their monotonous songs as the air cond cooling unit drips onto the metal awning somewhere in the darkness behind me.

I fumble with my keys dropping the whole set to the floor.

I pick up the metal box's key with my thumb and forefinger. It's crazy heavy. But I just can't help but stare at the key for a moment in this almost silence wondering how different things might have been if I didn't screw up.

No point wondering anyway. I shove the key into the mini padlock and pop the box open.

I look inside. It's empty apart from the files and folders books piled high nearly to the brim of the locker. Any higher and I'd scrape my knuckles sticking my hands in.

I pull out everything and shove the contents into my bag.

A gentle breeze rushes in and caresses my face. The air is cool and moist, it had been raining.

I stare into the empty metal box and I just shake my head as I close it again.

---------------

The air is humid. And it's oh so hot. Heat was building in my thick clothes. The sunlight had me squinting.

I wasn't used to wearing them then. In such a combination. I'd rarely wear them in such a combination at all. But...Things change and force certain things to happen.

"One please." I say to the lady barely older than me behind the table.
"Alright but could you leave your name and your number it'll take awhile to wrap."

15 minutes later I'm back picking it up.

I open the box. And I place it inside the metal box gently carefully.

Before closing the door on it gently and locking it with a padlock.

------------------------

I remember opening the box. I feel my heart beat harder and stronger as I look at the contents.

It's all so foreign. Did I really produce all that?

I shake my head in disbelief. Is it my gift? Surely there's more to this than just the Right and the Left at work here. Surely there's more than that weird repeat cycle gift at work here.

I stick in a stiff folded board. Filled with yet another of my gifts.

I remember hearing "I wish you luck" as my friend handed over the paper with the draft written on it barely hours before I placed it in. She was merely shocked and had nothing more to say as she began to see the real thing buried under all these clothes sloppy hair and strangely solid expressions.

"How is it?" I ask.
"Well it's fantastic. No mistakes your English is good on it's own give yourself some credit. She's a lucky girl."

So there's 3 copies surviving in this world. I think there's 3. The draft in my drawer to remind me not to make the same stupid mistakes. 1 embedded in her mind.

And the last is carved into the hard stiff board. Somewhere from my sight. And in a place I will be denied entry to for possibly the rest of my life.

-----------------------------

I catch them peeking. Even as I hurriedly close the box.

I look at them and muster a nervous smile.

They merely nod and walk away smiling. It's all done. And it's ready.

-----------------------------

My back is supported by steel. I take great care to avoid the steel nubs that line this surface.

1 in my spine and I could be numb for the next few hours. 1 in my ribs and I might tear something.

I rest my wrists on my knees as I stare at the ceiling.

I haven't gained the love of the dark yet. So staring at the lights wasn't as painful.

I hear the click. The padlock opens.

I look away.

It's all quiet now. It's silent out there and gradually getting darker as storm clouds roll across the skies.

The air slowly thickens with an unknown tension. I don't say anything. My heartbeat itself is calm and steady.

The person opening my locker chooses to say nothing either.

A lenghty pause. Most people would choose to dramatise this as a pause of unbearable length, one too quiet, one which would chill the soul. But then reflecting. I wish the pause had never ended. I wish nothing was said. I wish it went on forever.

But someone had to say when it was time to go.

"I'm sorry....."

I close my eyes. Fatigue. Strain. Stress. Regeneration. All of that has racked my body for about a week. All the difficulty. All the hard work.

For nuts.

The person takes a seat next to me.

"I'm sorry." it comes again.
"Don't be. It was my mistake. You have nothing to be sorry for."

Silence.

"Shall we go?" I try to start up the conversation again.
"I've gotta print some stuff first so I'll call you when I'm done."
"Right. I'll go off to rest somewhere. Just let me know when you're done."

Glad to part company I go off to try and sleep. It doesn't go well. I don't get any sleep in the end.

---------------------------

He's so young. Oh how the younger ones always try so hard. Hopefully things go well for him.

Maybe that's why it's so profitable to open this booth year after year.

But he only bought one. Sadly.

He spent so long looking at them. Examining them checking every fold was right. Trying to get the neatest looking one.

He put in a lot of effort. Some people are so lucky in this world.

Sigh too bad Benjamin over there had to waste his time and screw up his order.

He was patient and polite enough anyway. He just rolled his keys continuously while waiting for me to complete wrapping it.

All he did was just stare at the trees the whole time too.

Amazing how sweet some people can be. Just amazing how some people like this can still exist in this world.

I hand him the stalk and he just smiles politely. I can see he's worn thin by unspoken stress and things.

I smile back and wish him luck.

He replies he's going to need a lot of it.

He walks off carrying the rose with great care. Who knows where he's going with it...

==============================================

Very very pleased with this piece of work actually. Could use some comments though. Lesley? Charlie? Sarah? Pui Yean? Say smth pls ^^ could use some feedback on the style.

It's strange lah just had a Huddle with the adults and I realised I'm the youngest guy. All men of about 22 onwards and a young guy of 19 in their midst. I'm barely 18 too actually! They just poured all their advice into me even as they listened to my problems. Really thankfull to them and to God.

The inspiration for this piece of work came from something Sarah said about studying. Can't remember what anymore. It's all so muddled.

Been listening to Lesley's blog a lot of late. The song that autoplays...It's just so beautifull. It just brings me back to when I was studying music. Dreaming of how I would play great songs just like that someday. Can I have it please Les? ^^

Was up till 4 talking to Bird and Kurtwin.

Ended up in a really really stupid bet which might push a lot of my skills overboard.(lets just accredit it to the ramblings of 3 of the craziest minds after finally losing in dota)

That and finding out a really really smart girl is doing the Sunway A-lvls 1 yr course.(I can hear all the coll students screaming "OH MY GOODNESS!") Sister of the smartest girl in Sunway A-lvls lah. Expected lah.

Fell asleep after talking crap for awhile cause the 2 of them decided to go in "crap circles" got an sms asking me where am I too! Creepy nearly got dragged back in to the maelstorm of crap...

Woke up saw another sms. Wah head dahm foggy had to answer. And that was waking up.
---------------------------

Another landing. The steps are grimy. I can see it in the dark. The walls smudged wtih strange black stains.

The gaze behind me rests on my shoulders.

I know his expression is empty.
Waiting to see how I handle things.

We're climbing the stairs. Easy to climb it takes not much effort.

Agreeing was harder. Much harder.

I see her moving so energetically in front of me.

Climbing the steps happily. In her pointed shoes it's a bit difficult for her.

But for the other 2 of us our shoes have rounded toes. It's not a problem.

It's dark here...The shadows and the cool air compell me, Almost daring me to go at full speed. But if I did I wouldn't be able to watch her. And I'm not allowed to pass along the responsibility.

I bob upwards on every step trying to keep the energy in check.

The other man behind me. Only 12 days older. But he knows whats going on in my head.

The stairs hurt. Climbing them. He knows it hurts me like crazy.

There's no blood dripping anywhere. But he can tell it hurts. My gait didn't change. But he knows it cuts me bad. So badly and deeply. It's got nothing to do with the damage I've had to deal with.

His eyes drift off and check my hands. Relaxed. Checks the side of my face as we turn the steps to go around another flight. Tearless. Empty cunning expression. And I catch him looking.

Another landing. Just a few more floors to go.

It gets darker from 1 or 2 dead lightbulbs. I feel the blood flow harder in my veins. Harder to control the breathing. Harder to steady myself.

He doesn't notice that at least.

Ahead of us, she doesn't notice all of this transpiring behind her.

I glance behind. He just shrugs.

We walk on. 2 floors to go now.

She's smiling. Walking up these steps quickly slightly faster than normal. Energeticly. She's really really happy.

I turn around again. The face is cold. "your choice" it seems to say.

And we take the next flight again.

Why am I here?

Because I wanted to make sure she'd be safe. But here I am sending her up these stairs so that she could see another man. Possibly her love interest. My rival.

The place was quite far. And it was in a different direction than where we were headed.

I doubt my judgement further. Was it profitable for me to agree? Was it wise?

I'm ruining myself...I'm destroying what I tried to build with her surely...

But as long as she's happy. Whatever makes her happy. Thats what I tell myself.

We reach the top of the stairs. That dark spiral.

I look behind again as I open the door. And I see her walk smiling ear to ear past me. Happy that she'll get to see the guy we walked all the way here for.

And my friend behind her just gives me a "All the best with your choice" look.

And we step into the crowd. To look for him.

Thanks for yesterday eh buds. Dahm syok.

You're just so entertaining lah my neck and face muscles are pulled from resisting laughter already. Lets do it again sometime!
--------------------------

Freak it hurts.

"Are you ok or not?"
"Yeah, peachy, excellent just need to get over the pain first."

Ok try standing straight. Try walking. It's probably just a bump to that tender bit.

No comments. Woot should be alright lah. Just walk it off.

*splat*

WHAT THE JEWISH JANGLE! SO MUCH BLOOD! All over the five foot way! FREAK ON MY SHOES TOO!

"Your leg!"

Right sure thing. Duh it's my precious leg. Whee excellent my leg nice! Woot and we're so far away from anything and everything.

"Sit down first lah!"

A lady rushes out with plaster and tissue is pulled out.

"Plaster it."
"Let me dry up the blood first." I respond.

Siong lah dahm pain firing all the nerves one shot. It's nearly too much pain to stand.

I pull the fabric back. Take a waiting to tissue mop it up.

"You've got to seal it up."

Freak I gotta press it...Apply pressure...Basic first aid technique right...

I close my eyes. Place it on the horrid mess of a bloody fountain and press hard. There'll be no more blood in that area with such pressure.

Still breathing hard a plaster is slapped on.

I spend some time limping around but eventually I'm walking around.

But by nightime my feet hurt too. I sit in the bathtub with my feet soaking in water as cold as it gets. Sadly the nerves there are half dead not hypersensetive.

I felt like dripping iodin into the water but I resisted the urge anyway. The wound is covered in iodin.

<-------------------->

"Uncle you ok anot?"
"Yeap perfectly fine! Sweet! Having a great day my niece."

She just grins uncertainly.

"Why are you laughing and telling so many jokes? You look so cham."
"Maybe he's in shock." says Mr."I'm applying/pouring dettol right into your wounds"

I know from experience grown robust men recoil from pain. And I'm getting a healthy bit of first aid there and then.

All I feel is just cold air. Wow amazing. I know the old idea was to have things so screwed up pain wouldn't be on the list of sensations.

I had already denied help getting to the office because I didn't want to embaress myself further. Bravado. Waving to my friend's sister required effort. But chuckling to myself, and to the further curiosity of what kinda freak they're bandaging, I remember her expression. Worth it.

I keep telling jokes and laughing even as they keep applying antiseptic to the numerous wounds and taping on the massive bandages.

"I don't know whats wrong with you wei..." she says shaking her head.
"Me neither." I reply.

Well at least thats it for the pain management. Fuh luckily it was perfected 2 years ago. Lets me bleed like a spigot with minimal pain.

Getting home nevertheless was hard enough.

Thanks for it. Still working too. Good enough lah to keep going. To keep doing what I do best.
---------------

Wow I need to sleep. Super sleepy. Couldn't even get this post to turn out right.

Just finished Liar Game. Now need to pass it to Jorrel. Hmmm Lesley since you watch these things do you want a copy too?

Now it's a big question. Should I finish My Boss My Hero even if Michelle said it ends weakly? Or should I just hop over to 40 litres of tears?

And a big thank you to Michelle for giving me the last episode of Liar Game...1.1GIGS WEI!

The Good.

I reconnected with Henry.(although I had to shock him in the process)(I told you Lesley I can be scary)
I discarded some fairly pointless stuff I had learnt.
Took a journey back into the past and dug up some pretty useful stuff I USED to know how to do.
Had a lot of strength pumped in.
Reconnected with a lot of old friends.
Saw Emily. As promised last last year.
Saw Lesley. As promised last year.
Saw Sarah. As unpromised in any year.
Talked to Pui Yean quite a bit.
Fragged with Janus!(super+ there. Shit wei I feed like a cheeseburger)
Learnt how to handle my outputs. (and the efficiency of my input requirements)
Went Thailand and got a lot of positive writing influences there.
Got 3 pairs of jeans from Thailand. Loving them!
Got a new pair of headphones.
Studied some other non-academic stuff.
Learnt a bit of Thai.
Watched 1408 with the slackers in Jorrel's house.
Found my purpose in life.
Found my self.
Found my faith.
Figured out how to control the freaking bleeding.
Had the famous lorong selamat char kuey teow!
Got Bird to stop worrying about how I conduct myself in most aspects.(just today)(was heavily quizzed on my course of actions and when I produced mature well thought out answers which indicated I had already thought of all these things before hand)
Finally saw the insides of Sri Cempaka.
Found a lot of chun new music. (THE ROCKET SUMMER!)

The Bad.

Laid my paternal Grandmother to eternal rest.
Pushed Sarah away for a brief moment.
Dripped away a lot of blood.
Nearly lost my faith, my self and my confidence.
Nearly lost my trust in a brother. But now I doubt my sister instead.
Did not pick up my skills in my left and my right again. (very very sad loss)
Skills learning progress was fairly stagnant. Just a few enhancements on old stuff anyway. (am I reaching the end of things?)
Lost patience.
Didn't study any academia.
Didn't do any homework.(sure gg tmr/today)
Fell sick quite a bit.
Lost in a personal fight.
Didn't get to renew passport.
Lost some of that glimmer and charm.
Didn't finish Daywatch nor the awakened mage.
Didn't clear out my hard disks.
Pissed off my parents one too many times.
Didn't see Michael.
Didn't fix things with Mar-xha.
Left behind a lot of things.
Burnt a bridge or 2.
Lost a few skills entirely.
Didn't go out with Sarah as much as expected.
Didn't go out with Lesley as much as expected.
Became a total cheeseburger in Dota.(apart from being a total nut)
Gained some negative influence in Thailand.
Restrung some finances.
Hard drive swamped with music.
Didn't touch any musical devices. Apart from my speakers.
Lost a lot of stuff from my memory. As Sarah dreadfully pointed out with a question.
Lost a bit of the driving touch. Ouch the most hard burned and forced into service driver losing the touch.

The TBD(To Be Determined) (terminology courtesy of Trisha)

The pessimist bit in me won. Beat the optimist bit in me in a contest. (basically how many times and under what conditions would hang out with Sarah, and a few other things.) So the pessimist will reign. No telling where that will lead.
Had a bit more nightmares than usual.
Moved up in the ability to predict things.(yes it can be both good and bad)
Mucked about in other people's business.
Dispensed a lot of advice to Wei Yew. (can go either way seeing how things turned out for me)
Investigated things.
Couldn't figure out a question Sarah posed in the past. Almost back to square one too.
Changed stance. Twice.
Made a few dangerous decisions.
Got my dog to stop following me around so much. (sis's doing actually haha)
Bought switchfoot concert tickets.
Didn't teach anyone to replace me again.
Spent a lot of time focusing certain skills and totally left out some.
Copied stuff.

--------------
Wow complicated. A lot of things aren't even mentioned.

Well I do this self-evaluation a lot actually. Every once in awhile. And sometimes once a week or every few days.

First time I've put it off for so long actually. But oh well the demands of the world can't wait can they.

Alright time to sleep. Lesley is telling me to anyway. Pretty sound advice seeing as I'm as dead beaten as my car today.

Feel like redoing today again. Quite a wonderful day apart from forgetting to bring my birth cert for passport renewal. But first I gotta get back into the groove. The flow.

Pointless rambling. Gotta sleep.

Snore. Ciao.

2 thumbs up ladies and gents!
2 unscannable thumbs up!

I got my IC renewed because I'm already 18. Really fast actually. But the scanner couldn't read my thumbs. And I don't think it's cause of the calloused right thumb.

Lady tried everything. From powder to cream. Nope. No go.

Finally she said. "Thumbprint tak match lah."

Hmmm...Retrospectively...When Mr Chua tried looking at our fingerprints last year...It was agreed I've got freaking scary thumbprints.

Maybe all that thumb damage changed it eh?

My mom has no thumbprints though. Creepier.
----------------------------

Side note...I'm begining to re-consider working for my dad. Because that would mean working with my sis.

And from what happened today. Doesn't seem good.

I checked out entry requirements for Bath psychology. GOODNESS GRACIOUS! 3 A's!

Well at least I can consider Australian Unis as long as it's not engineering. I'll go have a look around.

Although HELP's 30k for 3 years program seems tempting...With friends there and all...But hey it's my life I'm putting on the barb wire here.

Ok I've seen the light.

I understand the accursed thing.

I understand the purpose.

But I don't understand why does it hurt so much less that it did the last time?

Experience lah must be.

So I just bummed around all day reading the awakened mage.(those love dovey bits in the book can be quite squem worhty)

Made some massive progress finally. 200 pages in a day. Not bad lah.

Then when I finally put the book down. I figured out why and how does it figure out into the plan.

Mentally I'm staring at a huge flow chart. More like mindmap. But it just looks like names hanging in the air in a 3d ball some large, some small.

It's full of names. And below every name is written loads of details.

Sarah Tan's is detailed and complex. Sarah Jane's is outdated but detailed as well but more or less like a history lesson.

Bird's is also there. Dauntingly complex compared to everyone else.

Locations are also listed.

An insane number of names are listed here both male and female.

Trying to understand the factors of the plan is the point of this. I use it a lot just wondering about it. I just try to understand the connections. Try to figure out where it begins. Where it ends. Where things are pointed. The purposes of things.

I pull out a red marker. I start circling names and places. It's almost everything. I pull red line from each to a centralised location. I keep drawing.

I draw a large circle. Larger than any other. Almost as big as myself.

And I write GOD in it.

Below I write. "Save me." and "I serve thee."

Grief hangs in the air quietly. Silently.

I remember Sarah saying "I love the rain!" a comment that was generally met with approval.

I've always liked the rain since I was a kid. Home alone just watching it roll off my roof on a cool morning before school.

But now it hangs in te air. If only Sarah hadn't said it so much I might not have heard it roll off.

I pause the cd player.

Pretend to pour over my novel. I guess everyone thinks thats my way of managing grief. As I'm about to find out it really is in 1 month from then...

They talk about the rain. About how it had affected the humidity. 3 days straight of rain. Affected resistances. Affected the temp.

Then they talk about how they tried to fix things. Picking new chems. Even when they knew the risk.

It was all about giving her a moment of relief.

But it turned out this way.

As one of the decision makers finishes a brief summary of everything it seems everyone had stopped all they were doing.

There was no typing.

No sudden movements.

No tapping.

No page flipping from me.

Just the gentle chopping of the fan, the whrring of my cd player keeping the cd in perpetual motion.

A laugh from a kid from the other side breaks the silence.

But it hangs in the air.

Did we kill her? No one answers. Because we can't. But then again we did our best to soothe the pain.

It's easy to praise God when you're high flying and having everything going for you.

But it's a real test of faith if you can still praise Him when you're down and kicked in the guts.

I do my best to remember that. And most of the time I can.

But the troubles are just so difficult!

The wisdom in the plan is endless. But it's so easy to forget sometimes.

I'm being tested maybe?

A guy I don't know even says I'm so different from when I last saw him. Have I fallen from grace again? Or have I just changed my stance?

But I won't give in. I will re-focus my goals. I will re-tune my songs and instruments. I will buckle down and fight till my nuckles have no flesh from my efforts.

I will be tested. And it's time to prove my mettle. Prove that I can fulfill what is expected of me.

-------------------------

Sorry Sarah if I've been a bit cranky lately. Sorry if I've been a bit spiky. I'll try to lock back onto course. Your friend should be alright soon.

I need time to myself to think. To re-sight. Recuperate from my work. Rearm the precious gifts.

I'm going back into isolation for awhile.

'I have found David son of Jesse a man after my own heart."

I remember it well.

I have no idea why.

The same way I have no idea my brain pans through a thousand facts during a conversation but can't seem to remember even my own birthday sometimes.

It's dark in the sky. And we're walking towards the yellow and red lights.

He knows I'm hurtning like mad. But I'm laughing and it doesn't even sound bitter.

He's never ever going to be able to tell what goes on in me at this rate.

"I think I'm beyond the asking God 'Why?' at the moment."

"When I was a younger I used to blame God."

"No I don't mean that I'm blaming God. I'm asking God why do I have to go through this. I'm asking what is the purpose of putting me through this. What is the real point letting me suffer."

"It's alright to question God. Even David questioned God."

"I'm just really asking how does it fit into the next part of the plan. Somehow when I think about it there's been a reason for every thing I've been through so far in my life. But then again asking right now I get no answer. Maybe not telling me it's the way to get the effect intended. Then again it's up to Him to tell and me to wonder."

What is it in the PLAN!? I WANT TO KNOW! WHY DOES IT HAVE TO INVOLVE SUFFERING!?

The end justifies the means? I don't agree with that. Surely our God can't be so cruel to put me through this before I've even reached adulthood.

I wanted to shout into the skies "Is this fair?" "F*** the effort" "Must it always be done this way?"

And then he stayed suddenly.

I wanted him to leave.

I just wanted to not move.

Stare at the grain of the table.

Hear the crickets chirp their monotonous song.

Close my eyes and just float around on the noise.

As we talked I washed my hands with tea.

My nail just goes in tight circles around the centre of the table.

I don't want to think about it.

But as long as I'm sitting at this table I'm forced to consider things.

Soon he leaves. And it's just the 2 of us.

He says he wants to call someone. So I tell him to use my phone, it's postpaid.

He dials.

The person doesn't pick.

He uses his phone.

The person picks.

I move my chair over.

And all is silent apart from her saying hello and the chirping of a sea of crickets.

I find myself back in square one.

I'm back to hearing her voice again. Even if it's distanced.

"Kington says Hi too." he relays to her.

And I shift my chair away.

I wish I could re-enter my corruption status. The thing I left behind to help Sarah, the thing I left behind to help Peggy, the thing I left behind to help those who needed it most.

I feel it rising to the surface. I want to just grab it and fully utilise it right off.

I look at this guy across the table. I think of the guy who just left. I think of the people who I sacrificed and buried this stuff for.

They'll never even see or understand how I got it.

It would be so easy to just burn it all again and go back to scratch. Anything just to avoid the bleeding.

And then I realise we're both bleeding.

"It's a service to God." and I swallow it. I let the pain tear at me. If I take it on, I won't be able to feel the pain but I'd lose a lot of things.

I remember her voice. Shouting my name when she saw me the first time in months.

I wronged her. And it's unforgiveable. It's been so long. She won't even talk to me proper. Is she afraid I'd bare my fangs again? Ever since her and Lay Shu I tore it all out. Even if it was ragged. How it had to bleed. How it had to destroy a lot of what I was. I couldn't let it loose again.

"Sleep well." the conversation ends.

It can't be fair. I don't see how it's fair. The trade isn't fair. It's just not right.

But you don't always get a fair deal everytime. And surely there's something more.

I can't give up yet. I've still got things to do. Even if I bleed like a spigot this time.

Freshly inspired. From old events mixed with current events and new events. Stuff I see and stuff I guess. No explanation required and none given anyway. And thanks Henry for the support.
--------------------------

'Alright then, that's that. You'll be alright from here. If there's anything just call alright?' He says dusting his hands.

'Thanks for the help kay? I would never have gotten anything done without you.' She reciprocates. 'I'll make it up to you when I can.'

'Don't mention it. And don't bother lah it was a fun piece of work for me too.' He says while donning a golden mask which has no expression. A pneumatic hiss sounds when he locks it on completely.

'Hey...' she waves a hand at waist level to catch it in his vision.

'Yeah?' he does up his collar and dons his gloves as words green flicker across his vision in a HUD fashion.

Freedom
Acute sensory
Control device
External connection

FACE ONLINE

Body armor pressure leak. Inspect at camp.

GEARS running at 80% capacity.

Vital signs are stable. Bleeding detected. Check upon return to camp.

Battery 19 hours remaining.

The rest of the readout is just a report of his missing hardware and used up supplies. He already knows anyway how much he's spent and replaces the spent items from a case resting on the white linen sheets of this fancy room.

'How are things with you and her?'

He pauses for less than a second and pulls out a knife from the case with excessive fervor. Barely noticeable the hopes. And loads it into his jacket. But yet he doesn't turn around and keeps loading. As if to hide any emotion that may show on his face. But the mask is on anyway.

'I guess it's not good?'

'I'm just a friend.' comes his reply.

'You know...There are other women who can't stop thinking about you...You're just such a great guy. She doesn't know what she's missing out on.'

'There's nothing between us.'

'You're just always so kind and helpful not to mention you're fairly good looking inheriting that long line of genetics. Smart, resourceful and such a gentleman.'

She nods in the direction of the cases laid out on his bed.

'Hahaha I just enjoy doing it you know?'

'And you're humble too.'

Damn her. Why does she have to know? Why does she have to ask?...

'I've seen you doing stuff for her. Constantly improving and yanking more out of yourself to lay on the table. She's already received such rare stuff from you. All the kindness you don't share.'

'She's just a good friend. You could call her a best friend if you will.'

'C'mon don't try to lie. I'm just like you, a living, breathing lie detector. But then again everything is about as obvious as the Sun in the sky on a clear day.'

'I'm not lying. I just told you we're friends.' He pulls out his guns and dunks the cartridges in another case. He replaces the discarded cartridges with new ones from the new case.

'Condition report.' he whispers it out. And he reads the conditions of his guns from the mask HUD again.

'I've seen the way you look at her. With such a longing look at her in your eyes. You're also always so happy with her.'

He touches the mask with his right hand adjusting it slightly.

'Don't you hear me? I'll make this blunt. And straight forward because I can't keep you here all night.' She folds her arms across her chest.

'You're wasting your ****ing time. If she's not interested you should just pursue other avenues. There's so many choices. So many of them waiting for you to just accept their dinner invitations.'

He turns to gaze at her. But it's impossible to tell his expression. Because he's got the mask on. But then again his body language voices a reply with a shrug.

She walks nearer to him.

'Don't you see?'

And she's a few feet away now. She stops.

'I can tell you she's not interested. And she's also hinting otherwise. You've just got no hope.'

'I didn't ask for an opinion Dr Freud. So stop giving me a psychoanalytical examination of her personality and her choices.' He closes a case. And clamps it shut with 2 soft clinical clicks.

'Please I don't want to see you hurt yourself anymore...I just want to see you happy again...I know your heart is bleeding most of all...Just let go. Please and look around you...' her voice is almost pleading.

He gathers his cases and bags in silence.

'You're just under appreciated. Please just try someone else for a change...You never know who's waiting for you out there...Or they may be right by your side waiting for you to give them a chance.' He raises a hand. But she ignores it.

'Please...Just don't be so stupid to waste it all...Please...She's not worth it. She's a bitch for reeling you in like a fish.' She reaches out and touches his arm with her fingertips...

He whips around and grabs her by the throat and lifts her cleanly off the ground and brings her to the wall in a choke grab and slams her against the wall. With her feet dangling above the ground. He flexes his shoulders and he gains a bit of height as she is lifted further off the ground.

His right hand is brought up between her face and his as he leans in. A curved knife extends from the back of his hand from under the sleeve in a slow deliberate fashion as he brings it closer to her face. He's so near to her all she can see his mask and a little bit of the room out of the corners of her eyes. It makes the room a lot darker than it already is. He's not shaking with rage. He doesn't seem to have lost control. But she knows inside he's boiling with emotion, it just doesn't show. And she knows it means he's nearly complete. Based on what she knows...

She looks at the mask. It's got red cracks all over it now. The red cracks seem like solid lines. Neon red against the pale gold of the mask. In the darkness it glows brightly. But the mask was plain earlier...

'LET BE!' He shouts.

'If I choose her LET BE! It is my choice to make foolish or not! Even if I am a tactical expert if I screw up it's my choice to screw up if I want to or not!'

She grabs his left hand raising herself off it to avoid choking. She's strong but not strong enough to get out of his grip. If she decides to attack him...She figures she'd just be dead before he even gets a scratch.

'If I love her, let me be! It's her choice to make on which guy she wants to choose! I don't ask God why didn't she choose me! I ask God what does heartbreak hold for me that He'd let me experience it! I'm ready to accept it! All for her happiness! Even if the guy she loves doesn't love her back...I'd be there to mop up her tears and wish her well...I'd just hang around hoping that someday she'll notice me...or till I move on...But I love her with every bit of me and I don't think I'll ever let go...'

He loses a bit of height as the energy shifts and she manages to tiptoe.

'I just want to be by her side than not be with her at all.'

The edge of his mask around the chin is dripping.

He looks at her without fury and notices for the first time in previous moments since he started shouting, she's crying and her face is crestfallen.

He lowers her to the ground. And she slumps to the floor and just cries pulling her knees to her chest. She rests her forehead on her knees to hide her face. Her long hair forming a side curtain.

Her gentle sobs are the only things to be heard in the room. It begins to rain outside.

He takes quick steps with pronounced agility across the room to grab a tissue box and hands it to her.

She just nods and grabs a few to wipe her face without looking up.

He sits on the floor to her left right beside her. The blade on his right hand is fully retracted.

'Your mask is busted.' She says smiling at him weakly with red eyes. With those familiar eyes which seemed to be able to laugh on their own. Today it seems like they're laughing a bitter laugh. 'Your chin is leaking.'

'I'm sorry...I shouldn't have gotten mad at you. You mean a lot to me and I shouldn't have lashed out at you. You were speaking the truth after all.'

She rests her head against the wall, closes her eyes and a tear flows out. She dabs it. 'If my men could see me now they'd lose all respect for me. Hahahaha.'

'It's alright. They won't hear of it.' He speaks softly now in a coaxing tone.

'Thank you again.' and she dozes off from the lack of oxygen due to him choking her. Her head slowly tilts and rests itself on his right shoulder.

He pushes her head up gently and carries her to his bed. And tucks her in.

He decides on a spot directly across from a window.

His chin begins to drip again.

2 claps and the lights in the room go off.

He yanks off the mask. There is no malfunction. He throws the mask onto the carpeted floor.

He massages his eyes and gives his face a quick wipe to take off anything there might have been. He takes a deep breath.

He doesn't move from his spot and does nothing but wait for the Sun to rise.

The words "Some people just don't know what they've got." drifts across her mind lightly as she sleeps.
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Whew wow. Finally I write something I'm pleased with. Past few storys I've told I just sorta dissapointed myself. However I'm satisfied with this. Although I'm rather sleepy now and some editing needs to be made. Lazy lah. Dahm tired di. Although I'm rather dissapointed with how I fit the title in. Get the story? If you don't never mind lah. I'm still learning. Reading awakened mage at the moment see if you can spot the influence. Apart from the very apparent one. Still haven't reached the 200th page sadly.

Found an album of ambient music used for movies. Having a great time! Don't think I'm going thailand. Yay!